In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:1-5
Too often, I think, we see the “darkness” as the world around us – wars, greed, poverty, world leaders, etc etc and we pray that “they” will change. Yes those things are darkness things. But I think too often we forget the darkness within each one of us, the darkness that makes us fearful, anxious, worrying, not able to give freely, not able to fully lean on God and trust them, that makes us always need answers rather than to live in the mystery.
For me this video from Instagram says much clearer what we can be like when we let the darkness take over and also how we can be. [Do try to watch it all because it helps make this post make better sense if you watch all of it]
So are we willing to do the work, to let Jesus, who is the light of the world, shine into our own dark places? Are we willing to surrender our dark places to a God we cannot see, often cannot understand, and who sometimes seems to do things we rather they didn’t do?
But if we are willing to do that via whatever means that change the thoughts that are so deeply imprinted in our minds then we can be like the guy on the video – at peace and appreciating what is around us.
Looking across Red Wharf Bay May 2025 Photographed by myself
What do I miss since no longer being able to drive? It is the above that I miss most of all. I miss being able to drive to where I want to go on my own when I want. Actually it is that “being able to do what I want when I want” that I am finding hardest.
I’ve always struggled with being boxed in and needing the space to do what I want when I want. That is probably why I didn’t settle in office type jobs but went for hospitality or youth work because, even if the hours were set, what went on was so random. There is something for me about being tied in that makes me panic.
But during my QEC sessions and spending time journaling I’ve learned to work these issues through. Even with the not-being-able-to-drive thing I’m working out my own freedom with it. But then something happened and I realised how easily I [and probably you] can fall back into those old pathways, those known ways of being even if they didn’t fit back then and don’t fit now.
We’ve got a new vicar at our church. He called a meeting last week where he set out his vision for the church. There were lots of opportunities to volunteer for things and at the meeting I was really super enthusiastic and was frustrated that there were no sign up sheets. But then when I was on the bus I was really really tired, like exhausted tired. Then when I got to the beach and was pottering along with my dog enjoying the sea and that freedom I felt like I didn’t want to do anything and was moving into being cross. Yes even though one of the vicar’s main points was “don’t feel like you have to do anything” I was still cross at feeling like I “had to” do these things I was good at.
But this is where things have changed, where all that healing has come to pass. Or as an old YWAM leader once said – I’m learning to walk the new green pathways.
Somewhere in Scotland. May 2022. Photographed by myself
What he meant by this is that whenever we do something we create a known way of going and we stick to that whether it is right or wrong, helpful to us or not. When we get into healing we start to see how wrong those paths are for us, how they are not beneficial to us but we can only make the new paths by walking them. Too often, even when we’ve had healing of any kind we think it hasn’t worked because we are still doing the same old same old. Still walking those same old paths. We need to start walking across a new grass filled field and make new paths. We need to walk new ways. We need to mark out new pathways that fit with who we really are rather than who we think we should be. And we can only do that by walking them.
That first me after the meeting was the old “look at me and like me” me but I’ve changed and am now more willing to say “yes I could do that but I need time to write, to read, to walk alone [even if that is more complicated and needs more thinking about – and thus more time] and also to bump into friends and other random people to chat with as I feel God leads me. I can now be honest with myself and say I must be careful not to let myself take on too much as I’ll feel frustrated by it.
For each of us our new pathways are different, which is what can make it hard to walk them. We get so used to following the herd, of doing what makes others happy, of fitting in so we don’t have to think, that we often just following along. But then of course we either get tired, get resentful, get sickness and illnesses, get angry, and also don’t fulfil are full potential, are full who our Creator truly made us to.
I know The Creator of the Universe loves me just as I am and I believe my role in life is to know that fully and to share that fully. But I am beginning to realise that I can’t do that by being busy, by getting tired and resentful, etc. So I need to walk my new pathways – those I can choose and those, like with the driving, that have been foisted upon me – and trust what is really out there for me
Renly enjoying a “new path” April 2023 Photographed by myself
Interesting coincidence. This was the reading from Henri Nouwen on the day I wrote this blog piece.
Discerning God’s Will
Small, seemingly insignificant events, ideas, and life circumstances can become occasions to discern God’s will and calling in your life. Both inner and outer events and circumstances can be read and interpreted as signposts leading to a deeper understanding of the way the Spirit of God is working in our daily lives…. We have the freedom and responsibility to look at our lives with the eyes of faith and a heart of trust, believing that God cares and is active in our lives. https://henrinouwen.org/meditation/ 1st October 2025
I was walking the dog yesterday and thinking over the post I’d just written and my gifts – and how content I was with my gifts now. Note “now”. I had many years when I wasn’t content with them and wanted something “better”. Like many of us I’d worked out a hierarchy of gifts and giftings, of things I should be doing, things that were godly and things that weren’t, things that were worthy and things that were a bit trivial.
I wonder how many of us, or is it just me, have amazing gifts and talents but are not using them because we are struggling to manifest some gift that just isn’t in us whether to please parents, or to be thought highly of, or because we think “just” smiling at someone isn’t really using our gifts.
Having done work in schools and with young people I see how they rate and value so much. I’ve done amazing writing projects with teens who were in lower sets and who saw themselves as “thick” to quote one teen. Ok so they weren’t grade A students but they had so many other gifts and talents.
Too often, I think, we rate gifts on how much we earn using them, how much other people give us credit for them, how much praise we get for them from those who are significant to us. When actually we should be looking at ourselves, be honest with what we love – because that is generally where our gifts lie and where they will blossom best. I don’t think a gift will flourish is we are trying to do it within something we don’t love.
I think, again, it comes back to that whole freedom thing. We can be fully free if we are using the gifts we were given, not the gifts we think we should have and that we know we are loved just as we are and don’t need to change to please others.
This I think is true freedom, where true peace and joy come from, and where we are without fear to fully walk the gifts we have and not try to be someone else. If we look back at The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe each of the children had different gifts and each had to use them to the full for the White Witch to be defeated.
Father Christmas gives the Pevensie children gifts which he says are gifts of “joy and truth” – which is interesting as they are weapons but I’m not going down that one. Though after reading Richard Rohr’s latest about how direct non-violent action is about
redistribut[ing] the tension that is already there and puts it back where it belongs—at the source.
maybe swords and arrows are a good representation of joy and truth but also of hope, peace and freedom?
But these gifts need to be used. Peter couldn’t kill the wolf if he kept his sword in his scabbard. Lucy couldn’t heal unless she used drops of her potion. In Prince Capsian the children couldn’t have come back if the horn had not been blown.
I believe all of us have been given gifts to make this world a freer, more peaceful, more joyful, safer place and yet too often there is the cry of “why don’t they do something” when it could be us.
Ok so I’m not going to be Prime Minister or anything major in business, in technology, on leadership worldwide, but I can via using my gifts of encouragement, of writing, of being able to chat to people, change one person at a time, who would then go on to change someone else and so on and so forth.
It is said there are only six degrees of separation between one person and the next – ie that each of us are only six people away from connecting with each other. And some of us are even closer. My next-door neighbour was telling me how when she was visiting a new friend she looked at her wedding photo and saw one of her close friends on that photo. Turns out my neighbour’s friend had been close to her new friend when her new friend got married.
So think this through – this means that each of us are six people or less, away from someone of influence. So if we are kind and helpful to the person in the park, they can take that kindness and encouragement to the next person in their sphere and so on. Very much the change the world one starfish at a time [this is an interesting read because it talks of the origins of this story too!]
So today I pledge to go out and use my gifts of chat, of encouragement and of words to help those in my sphere to know freedom from fear, know hope, know peace, know joy and trust. And from there to be able to fully live their lives as they are called to do so they can use their gifts for joy, trust, hope, peace and freedom.
On the last day I drove my car [even though I didn’t at that time know it was the last day] I went to see a matinee of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. It is story I’ve got a lot of affinity with because I read it many times to my children when they were little and then played Mrs Beaver in a Bath City Church version twelve years ago.
The musical is great, though challenging at the beginning because the Pevensie children are all played by actors with dark skins which got me thinking about how that could have been possible. We’ve all just assumed they were white. Although it does say Lucy has fair hair so …. But it is good to be challenged to rethink what we’ve just taken for granted.
From the musical came a few questions I’ve been pondering. One of which relates back to the Unite marches and the division that could be seen there.
There is a point in it that they talk of Freedom from the White Witch. The White Witch is seen as bad because she makes it “winter but never Christmas”. But interestingly she has a large following who don’t seem to be following her through fear but for other reasons we never get to know.
I wonder, if we really talked to those people on the marches, instead of just presuming we know what they think, but get allowed to look through their Truth window what we would really see.
Over the weekend we chatted with some lovely friends and we got on to the empowered/powerless talk and the “why don’t they just get a job?”. We are all educated, all well read, all reasonably confident. We’ve all been willing to get on and do and we see our kids getting on and doing. Theirs are 10 years younger but still you can see how they deal with life. My daughter is going through a tough time at the moment but she is proactive and walking through it. They, and we, are all empowered people. We would all probably unite behind someone who would give everyone their freedom, support all, bring everyone “up” in the world.
Yet I look at a friend’s family who are addicts, keep getting in trouble with the Police, keep waiting for someone to help them up but are not able to do it themselves. They are, for whatever reason, powerless. I could see them uniting around someone who would tell them they are in the situation they are in because it is someone else’s fault.
But then on Sunday I went back to church for the first time in ages [I have popped in and out but this felt like a coming back] and during a very interesting sermon one of the things that struck me was, firstly the whole thing of knowing Jesus, but more importantly than that it was knowing that we were loved and accepted just as we are. And we need to know that deep deep in ourselves before we take it out to others. This, I believe, is where true empowerment comes from. Yes many are blessed/lucky to have it within themselves and to know, whether through understanding parents, friends, or healing, that they are accepted powerful human beings. But I think, even those who lead and look powerful are deep inside hurting and are not really and truly free.
But how do we know we are loved? I think too often the Church sees love as the congregation doing things, not of being and being accepted but of doing things for the Church and for God. But I think we need to, as Christine Sine said Slow Down a bit and see the wonder, the wonder not just around us but within us. Each of us are amazingly created people if we only believe that, if we are only bold enough to let others see our Truth window, for us ourselves to see our own Truth window.
Here’s a poem for Christine that talks of slowing down, of seeing the wonder. And as she says it is seeing the pain and suffering as well as the breathtaking beauty.
Walking in the fastest pace for noticing Slow down, Walking is the fastest pace, For noticing, For paying attention, To the pain of our suffering world And the breathtaking beauty Of its wonder. Slow down, Look, listen, touch, Anchor yourself to the earth. Absorb the input of your senses, The details that speak Of your aliveness, In a world that seems consumed By death. Slow down, Hold onto the sacrifices Of love and compassion, Be generous, Embrace diversity. Sit in awe and wonder Of the One Who is making all things new.
So how do we unite for Freedom? I think, we need to know we are loved and accepted for who we are not what we do, and need to slow down, see the wonder within and without, and work out what Freedom really means to us.
This dog always has faith that I will be there for him. Photographed by myself June 2024
Of course our Upper Room group gathering was awesome with 5, then an unexpected arrival of one who said she might not make it. We talked of all sorts but two things remained with me. One is around thanking/gratitude, which I will try to do tomorrow, and the other was the verse from James
…. faith without works is dead
James 2:26
This came from a discussion about doing and what should we be doing and can we say No and the whole “yoke of slavery” verse that I was chewing over. If we take James 2:26 literally then if we aren’t doing and working then we don’t have faith, surely?
But how does that fit into the verses about resting in God? What is this verse really means “faith without outworkings is dead” – and those outworkings being trusting in God for all things and not having to do everything for everyone ourselves?
What if it is about showing we have faith by not worrying, not getting anxious, not fearing anything, knowing and showing we are loved unconditionally, being open and honest without fear, walking in freedom as I’ve mentioned in previous posts? What if this verse on faith has nothing to do with what we do but has all to do with how we are inside? All to do with the energies we give out to others?
If I truly have faith then I will do and not do what I believe God has for me to do and not do.
God is amazing because I’ve been pondering this post for a couple of days and it seemed to get into a bit of a rant about people doing too much and not resting, etc so which I could feel in my heart was not right. So this morning whilst I was walking the dog I asked God how they wanted this post to go and God reminded me of this song by Bananarama and Fun Boy Three song says “It Ain’t What You Do It’s The Way That You Do It! with that lovely line “and that’s what gets results”
I’ve just listen to the song and it has brought a tear to my eye. It is all about how the heart is and how we need to know the whys of why we do things. If we go in with the right energy, the right heart attitude, leaving our issues, our motives, our needs behind then we can truly do what God wants. Then we are free from that yoke of slavery but if we do good deeds with the wrong motives, with the wrong heart, with the hope that it meets our needs then we won’t get the God results, or as Isaiah says somewhere “our deeds will be like filthy rags“
So it is not about whether you’re busy or resting or saying yes or saying no but it is the way that you do it that will get the results God wants. If our hearts are right then people will look at us and say “wow! whatever they have I want because they know the why of what they are doing”. Then we will be free from that yoke of slavery and able to worship God in Spirit and in Truth!
It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it And that’s what gets results
It ain’t what you do it’s the time that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the time that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the time that you do it And that’s what gets results
You can try hard (aah-ahh-ah) Don’t mean a thing (aah-ahh-ah) Take it easy (aah-ahh-ah) And then your jive will swing (aah-ahh-ah)
It ain’t what you do it’s the place that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the place that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the place that you do it And that’s what gets results
I thought I was smart but I soon found out I didn’t know what life was all about But then I learnt, I must confess That life is like a game of chess
It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the time that you do it It ain’t what you do it’s the place that you do it And that’s what gets results
We’ve got our Upper Room house group tonight and I’ve been pondering what I’d like to share when this verse came to me. So as I walked the dog this morning I got to pondering about what that “yoke of slavery” really was.
Whilst away I’ve see a lot of people who are trapped, many of whom are Christians, trapped by many things; by holding on to hurts and hates from many years ago and having to regurgitate them; trapped by issues in their upbringing which makes them repeatedly behave in a certain way and where their response is to say “it must be my/our upbringing” even though actually they don’t like those characteristics both in themselves and in others; trapped by diagnoses of mental health or behavioral ways again with this “this is just what I’m like”. When challenged on all these things from the regurgitating hurts to the characteristics, etc the response can be quite aggressive and almost a “so you don’t love and accept me as I am”.
Now I believe totally that God loves us unconditionally just as we are [and from that we are to love others unconditionally] but I also think God wants us to be freed from the “yoke of slavery” that is the often the “this is just what I am, I can’t help it” especially if it holds us back from being content with ourselves and with our lives – good, not so good, bad and downright horrible.
I believe to be in the freedom that is talked about here is NOT determined by circumstance, situation, or survival [which I think is a lot of what brings on these “I can’t help it” responses]. I believe this freedom comes from showing ourselves totally to God and to ourselves as we are, warts, traumas and all, and allowing God to set us free in whatever way they see best; counseling, QEC, therapy, Alcoholics Anonymous type group, or just that touch of God without any human intervention.
As with the joy, peace and love, I believe Freedom is a gift from God that is set before us waiting for us to take hold of. This doesn’t mean we will always be safe from falling back into that slavery of comparing, of judging, of fear, of feeling inadequate unless …, but it gives us a rock, a safe place, to crawl back on to, a place to remember that we are not bound by the slavery of being pitched by the waves of thoughts and feelings and situations. But we are totally free.
I had a few times over the past week where I could feel myself sliding back into old patterns of behaviour which came from fear, from survival, from old habits, but I either reached to God or asked others to pray from me and that put me back on that rock of freedom away from those “yokes of slavery” that would have dragged me back into old patterns of behaviour which were not wholesome either to myself or to those I was with.
Even today I had to stand on this rock because instead of the regular 10-12 people coming to our Upper Room evening there are only 6, 2 of which are myself and my husband! I heard the “old me”, the “enslaved me” saying things about how it wasn’t worth preparing for, how we ought to have invited more people to allow for there always to be a “crowd” coming, and fear of how it might not work out. Because I had already had to deal with these thoughts in regard to my writing groups – where I used to cancel if only 2 people were coming but now happily run them even if only 1 person is there, so long as that one person is happy about it – I was able to bonk these thoughts on the head very quickly. Or as the Bible says “take these thoughts captive”, which seemed to release this blog and so bless many more than those who will turn up tonight.
Dog on a train to Cardiff as always giving me all control – photographed by myself July 2024
I said I was going to come back from Cardiff and start on a series around the Aramaic version of the Lord’s Prayer but …. that was me making a plan and trying to be in control. Nothing is coming and if I wrote it would be dull without life. So I’m not doing it.
This, and a recent incident, got me thinking about control – controlling others, controlling outcomes, keeping control of ourselves.
Whenever I think of control the Gossip’s Standing in the way of Control song slides through my mind. Lots of crashing guitars, angsty singing over mega meaningful lyrics.
But what does standing in the way of control look like in my life?
Well, I had a recent incident where I had come up with a plan to make everyone happy on a family weekend then one part of the team refused to submit to my plan. Yes that’s now how I see it. They would not submit and say what a great plan it was. I know them well enough that I could have used all those old techniques to manipulate and guilt trip them into my way of control. Instead, because I am walking through this healing journey, which includes letting go of controlling situations and controlling others and stopping letting old patterns and ways control me, I had to accept this person’s decision, lovingly release my plan, and actual stand in the way of my control.
Ok so it wasn’t easy and I had to a lot of realigning and regulating my autonomic nervous system so all the adrenaline was not pushing me to my usual defensive “safe” positions. Of course the old patterns did try to peek out but I have let go of so much through QEC and talking with God that I knew they had been beaten and were just those old pathways not the new green pathways I was now free to walk.
If I am a whole person, loved unconditionally by God/The Universe, and can make my own decisions by listening to my heart, then I have to trust that others can also make their own decisions whether I like them or not.
Interestingly even though there is a little sadness in my heart I feel at total peace about the coming event. There is no angst within me at all. And, from what I remember, when I have had a tightly controlled plan for a family type event I have felt tense because I then need to coordinate it all. Letting go of control means that I can now just be and let all those I love who will be there just be themselves around me.
I have stood in the way of my own control and it is good. It is freedom. Perhaps it is also another thing to add to the True Freedom post 🙂
Man has all too quickly reclaimed the garden, the natural chaos is trimmed back. It’s neat, it’s tidy. It’s now very sellable. But to me it has now lost its magic.
His neighbour’s house was being tidied up after the neighbour had died to make it sellable because no one really wants a wildlife garden, even though we talk about making our gardens wildlife friendly we do more often than not mean it in a domesticated way.
It reminded me of an interpretation of the story of the Selkie I’d just read. The woman wants this wild man she had met on the beach for her own and so hides the selkie’s skin which tames him. She then isn’t so keen on him once he is tamed.
It also made me think of the children I worked with in June who really enjoyed their creative writing session once they got their heads round the idea that I didn’t need neat and tidy but wanted something wild and creative.
How often do we spend ages tidying ourselves up, making ourselves presentable, sorting out our natural chaos so we are liked by the world? Because that was what was happening with this house here, with the woman and the Selkie, with the children and their story telling; all were making it presentable to the world.
Too often we get taught as children to “pipe down”, to “stop messing about”, to “behave ourselves”. And so we learn that being wild is not really acceptable. So we try to make ourselves “sellable” and in doing so we lose the magic – the magic of ourselves, the magic of how we see the world, the magic of just being alive.
Gary goes on to say
Some called it overgrown, most called it wonderful. To me it was like a magical corner from a chapter in The Secret Garden. A place that made me smile.
So why don’t we stop trying to tidy ourselves up for a world, enter that place of Freedom, and allow our natural chaos, our wild, magical selves out. And maybe create a smile for other people as they enjoy us being our true selves.
I keep writing and rewriting this post, which is why it has taken a long time. Sometimes posts just fly out of me and other times they struggle. One of the things is that at times I think about who I’m writing to and then almost contain the words that I don’t think would fit that person, which seems a very interesting revelation to myself when I am wanting to write a post about being really free.
So yesterday I got myself a can of Dr Pepper and sat in a cafe looking out the window with pen in hand and waited to see what happened. And here are my thoughts
True freedom is about going with flow and not worry about what other people think.
True freedom is not about achieving or ambition or even having stuff.
True freedom is about being content in your own skin and knowing that what you’ve done is what you’ve done.
True freedom is not about being a success or about succeeding in a world that is always changing its boundaries, goal posts and rules of the race.
True freedom is about not caring what the race is or what the imposed boundaries are.
True freedom is not caring about what other people think so they will love you.
True freedom is not caring about who takes the credit for the success that happen with or around you.
Not caring is not the same as not loving especially if the love comes with strings attached.
True freedom is
Finally able to
Receive
Everything
Envy-free
Devoid of the ties
Of other people’s [and your own]
Motives and expectations
And, I believe, True Freedom can only be obtained when one loves oneself unconditionally and when one knows one is loved unconditionally – especially when one knows that unconditional love comes from the Creator of the Universe/The Universe. But I also think one will struggle to receive that love unless one loves oneself unconditionally and stops comparing oneself to others.
Aspirational Adventures 