Tag: trust

Categories
Encounter forgiveness

Hagar

For me the beach alone early in the morning is a great place for me to encounter God.

The Bible version of the story of Hagar can be found in Genesis 16

At our last youth group we were looking at the names of God and by mistake I picked out the verses where Hagar runs away from Sarah but meets with God in a big way. She is the first person to say “God sees me” [Gen 16:13] Amazing.

Lots of this story we gloss over but it was horrendous and where I struggle to get my head round Abraham can be one of the founders of the Jewish, and subsequently Christian faith. Hagar was a slave. We don’t know her nationality so she could have been trafficked, stolen from her family, sold by her family. She has no past in the Bible. But she was there to be used to her mistress, Sarah. Hagar is probably very young, and probably a virgin. As we know in the story Sarah and Abraham couldn’t have any children so Sarah “gives” her maidservant to Abraham to have a child with. That is the line that is used. Do we ever think about it too much? Abraham had sex with Hagar, whether she wanted it or not. He raped her. I suspect he raped her more than once just to make sure she was pregnant. Hagar is loses her virginity to serve her owners. It is very similar to what went on in the slave plantations where the master would have sex with his slaves. Funny how we don’t often put this story in that context.

Anyway Hagar gives Sarah what she wanted and Sarah is angry that Hagar has a child and also we get the feeling that Abraham is fond of the child and possibly of this nubile young woman he has raped. Sarah is abusive to her maidservant, the mother of the child that would be classed as Sarah’s. In the end Hagar behaves like a lot of young girls I know would do, she runs away. And it says she leaves her baby some distance away to die. I wonder if she liked the boy? Can one love a child of rape? Some can. Some can’t. I am suspecting she would have been grateful if Ishmael had died. Maybe she believed that if he was no longer about she could get on with her life, forget she’d had a child. Thankfully God knew that she would always love that baby and it would always be apart of her. A baby once conceived is part of a woman forever whether it lives or dies, miscarries or is terminated, very few women every forget that baby.

So there is Hagar weeping under a tree hoping that her baby dies and she can then run away somewhere. And God appears. He reassures her. He shows unconditionally love. But here is what I find the most amazing – God tells Hagar to go back to her abusers. I know my reaction would have been to say “really! Like I love all the things you’ve said about my boy. I claim them. But to go back. I don’t think so”.

What struck me as I was doing a potted telling of this story to my youth group was that Hagar must have had to forgive Sarah and Abraham before she went back. Otherwise she would have gone back all full of anger and hate and resentment and that energy would have caused issues with her relationship with Sarah and Abraham. Hagar had to full forgive them. Then Ishmael could be a full son, could be fully loved, and could gain all that God has promised.

But I think I know how Hagar was able to forgive. Because she had had an encounter with God. Because she knew God loved her unconditionally. God loved her as a slave, a victim of rape, of abuse, of displacement. God saw her for all she really was and loved her unconditionally. I wonder if we can only fully forgive others once we know God fully sees us and all we are. God fully loves us and all we are.

Perhaps if each of us realised we were fully seen, fully loved by the Creator of the Universe then we would be able to fully see and fully love others and not be afraid of what they might do, say, take, react?

Categories
Contentment Trust God

It Ain’t What You Think It’s the Way That You Think it

[misquote from Bananarama & Fun Boy Three’s It Ain’t What You Do, It’s The Way That You Do It]

Sunrise over Conwy beach photographed by myself

I haven’t had time to post for a while. I’m also still working on some thoughts to add to series I was starting following on from my friend’s visit. So far I’ve got Hope and Free Will and a drafted post looking at Why Do We Allow Suffering? but I’ve not had time to fully get my thoughts in order as this week has been really busy. In fact last week was busy too.

But this got me thinking about how we look at things. I can be really grumpy that I didn’t get a day off last week and worked more hours than I was rotated in for and that this week has gone the same, or I can accept that this is just the way things are at this moment in time. I can look at my diary and see that there isn’t much down time and feel grouchy about that or I can enjoy each day as it comes and feel grateful for the spaces I do have. Not a false push through sort of gratitude where we try to be grateful for things but a deep into my heart gratitude that I don’t just mean with my head and my will but that I can feel through my whole body.

Now I see these feelings flip flop throughout the day. So I have moments when I feel that true deep gratitude and then I feel lighter, the children I’m working with are easier to deal with. But then being human I can then feel just fed up that I’m still at work and wish these children would go home, feel my legs and eyes aching, and then, guess what? The children pick up that energy and are harder to be with. It is my energy that changes not just my own body but those around me.

I don’t want to just be working towards the coming fortnight when I shall be on holiday but want to enjoy each day as it is. So to add to those lines

It ain’t what you feel, it’s the way that you feel it

It ain’t what you think, it’s the way that you think it

It ain’t what you say, it’s the way that you say it

It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do.

Thank you to – Bananarama and Fun Boy Three

I know I won’t get this right every time but I will try. So today, even though I am doing twice as many hours at work and can’t have time write as much as I’d like, enjoy my dog, etc, etc I will be grateful for this day, this week, this time God has given me and enjoy it to the full rather than wishing it was something else and I was doing something else.

Because “This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it” Psalm 118:24 rather than bemoaning what we don’t have.

Categories
free will Mystery

Free Will

“I’m just looking, Mum” – my dog on the beach 6th September 2023 Photographed by myself

[This is the second of some blogs following on from discussions with a friend who stayed with us over the last weekend. She is exploring her faith and asking those “awkward” questions]

One of those things that comes up in those discussions about God is free will. As in “these things happen because God gave us free will” . But sometimes one does ask why!

I work at a local after-school club and yesterday was really struck by the meaning of “free-will”. It was the first day back and I wanted to give the children ownership of their after-school club so I came up with some great ideas. Did they want to do them? No! All they wanted to do was play hide and seek in the confide space of the after-school club room [a converted double garage] with very limited hiding spaces. All worked very well until they started to fight about who could hide where, who was actually counting, etc, etc. as I put away all my games I’d got out for them.

But it made me think of God and how in the Creation myth God gives humankind this beautiful garden but humankind goes “no I want to find out about good and evil”. Then later on God gives some suggestion on how to live a long, peaceful life – take the 7th day as a full on rest day, take the 7th year as a full on rest year, trust that you will always have enough, believe God will supply in the right timing.

So mankind thinks that really that 7th day is to do some extra-curricular things [sports, church, shopping, etc]. Of course you can’t really not do anything for a whole year because then you’d starve/not have enough so humankind does not give the land a rest or themselves. And then we come down to the “enough”. Humankind then decides they don’t have enough land, enough food, enough, possessions, etc and so some take more than they need. In fact most of us have more than we need or will ever use but we think we’re ok because we can point to others that have even more again. But there are so many in the world who do not have enough. And that’s not God’s fault. That is our greed, fear, and not trusting God.

So like the children in my after-school club who did have amazing things they could be doing, we reject the good because we think we know best and then we fight with each other when things don’t work out. And of course with my friend in her explorations we blame God for all that. Doh!

Categories
not in a box questioning

A Questioning Faith

Taken from https://www.space.com/james-webb-space-telescope-question-mark-galaxy-photo on 27th August 2023

In The Colour Green I was saying how I was remembering my early days of being a Christian, 30+ years ago, and how I have always had a questioning faith. I thought this photo from the James Webb space telescope was a good opening.

Actually space is a great place to go for a questioning faith. As is the deep ocean. Both are full of mysteries we cannot fathom. Much like the colour green and all its different hues.

It makes me wonder why people have tried so hard over the centuries to put Christianity, and even many other faiths, into a closed container. Where is the mystery in that?

If God can fit into a box I am capable of making then I’m not interested. I want to lean on, worship, and trust, a being that is beyond my understanding, that is mysterious, unfathomable, uncontainable. This means I have to look at what I know about God and find out more. Each time God fits into a box I want more and more and more.

I think its why I do love being by the sea or up a small mountain [climbing a big mountain is a bit beyond me!!] because it is always changing, always showing me something I haven’t seen before – if I choose to look.

I find church tries to contain God, tries to make God a him, a being we can tell people and a tangible way. I think that’s why I struggle to go. With the youth group I co-run I am always trying to get them to push their boundaries and understanding, always to question what they think they know.

One of my big hopes, as I explore all these different online people looking at “deconstructing their faith”, is that they don’t then just find a different box to put God in. But instead let God loose so when people ask us why we follow God we don’t give some glib answer that we feel we ought to say, but, as I said to a friend recently – I don’t know why things I don’t like happen, bad things, deaths, suicides, wars, sickness, but I do know that through it all I can lean on God who loves me unconditionally. They might not stop these things from happening to and around me but they are there to hold me, to love me, and for me to rail at. And bit by bit I am learning to trust and be and just stay at peace when the storms do crash around me.

Though as we know from my post from 13th August I would prefer these storms to happen on dry land and NOT when I am in a boat!!!

I’d like to finish with a Chris Tomlinson song that sums up God for me and why I hang in there.

Categories
Perfect day Philippians 4:8

Perfect Day

Photos taken at Newborough Beach and Plas Newydd August 2023 by myself

What is your perfect day?

Well I would have said on Thursday that that was my perfect day – beach, icecream, no agenda. But then on Friday I got my sheets dried in the sunshine; perfect day. Then Saturday a great morning workshop followed by a great movie in the evening. But then Sunday we had a lovely walk on a new bit of coastal path. New for us at least. All great. All with a bit of perfect but also probably a bit of not so perfect.

I got to wondering if a perfect day is actually a state of mind. Since starting part time paid work have I started to see that as a chore and the other things as nearer to perfect? I wonder how things would change at work if I started to pick out the perfect things there.

In the Bible it says

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

I wonder how often I, and maybe you too, put certain things into the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable box and some into the not lovely, not right, not pure, not admirable box when actually it is a judgement call. Yes not all things are pure, true, noble, right, lovely admirable, but actually the paid work I do is all those things but it can be seen as a chore. And going off for a walk, getting sun-dried sheets, having no agenda, etc because they are more enjoyable can fit the Phil 4:8 criteria.

I am not saying we go all pollyannaish and think everything is awesome and I do think we need to stop following a lot of the things on the media, but I do think we need to start looking at the lovely within our ordinary lives, within our work lives, within our relationships, within our hard slog of things.

For me the first full paragraph is a list of things that help to settle me and ground me. For me that’s what makes them perfect. But my QEC counselor says that in every situation we should keep our Autonomic Nervous System in balance and regulation – which involves remembering to do that, breathing slowly, of being grateful and forgiving ourselves and others. This doesn’t make the difficult situation at work go away but it does ground us to be able to deal with it effectively and calmly.

So even though I have loved the last few days with their fill of perfect things in them tomorrow when I do my shift at work I will try to look to those things that are good, true, noble, pure, admirable, noble, etc and keep my ANS in balance and regulation, remember that I am human, that those I work with and live with are human and forgive. Maybe then my perfect day will be every day of the week no matter what goes on in it???

Categories
faith Jesus

Jesus Walks On Water

Storm hits the beach – Dec 2021 – photographed by myself

Today the Bible reading in many churches is Matthew 14: 22-33 where Jesus walks on the water. This post is inspired by Lily Lewin’s Freerange Friday post on Godspacelight.com called Walking On Water

Lily’s Freerange Friday posts more often than not encourage imagining oneself there. So whilst I was out walking the dog today I thought about how I would have felt if I was one of Jesus’ disciples on that boat.

Remember not all of them were seamen. We always think of the fishermen and the “go and be fishers of men” line but we do forget that two thirds of the core group were not fishermen.

Now it is as standing joke in my family that I don’t like being too close to the water. These are just two of the many tales I could share! When I was 17 my first proper boyfriend took me for a romantic punt on the River Avon. We did the whole dressing up, had the picnic, we even got the tranquil sunny weather. I was in the boat for less than 5 minutes and I was screaming “take me back. I hate this“. End of romantic day out! One holiday my husband really wanted to go to see the puffins off the Northumbria coast. Out and back and round was a total of an hour on the boat. He’d check it was dog friendly so it was no excuse. Well I was terrified and I’m sure the man driving the boat deliberately hit the waves so we bounced more than we had to. I do have to say that it was worth while though. Puffins are awesome! But I was nearly crying and holding anyone who was close enough the whole way out and back.

So there I am one of Jesus’ disciples. We’ve had a busy day of healing and feeding and crowd control and just need a break. Jesus tells us all to get on the boat. Now I know weather if not the water and can see clouds gathering. So I suggest to Jesus that I’ll just stay behind with him. He’s already said he’s going to pray. I say that I’ll leave him be, explain that like him I need some time out. I need to introvert for a bit. I don’t think it would be good for my mental health to be on a boat with the others. It won’t help me refocus, get grounded. Also the place needs a bit of a tidy up and I’m more than happy to do that. But no Jesus insists and well … he is the rabbi and I am honoured to have been chosen by him so I reluctantly agree.

Well we all know what happens next. The sea starts to swell. The boat starts to rock. It is scary for the sailors, the fishermen. Imagine what it is like for those of us who don’t sail and are terrified of being “too close to the water”. I know I would be so cross this Jesus. This was his idea. He didn’t even come and here I am terrified. Even on that little boat to see the puffins I was sure I was going to die. So I’m imaging being on a smallish fishing boat in the big lake, big enough to be called a sea. And Jesus sent me there.

Along he comes. The storm calms. Peter does his bit of walking on the water. And so all is fine and dandy? Not for me. I’m cross with Jesus for showing up after I’m scared and have made a bit of a fool of myself. Also I don’t get out the boat because I know if I realised I could walk on water I would have just kept on walking back to the shore and not looked back.

This got me thinking – how often have any of us felt like God/Jesus has sent us somewhere and we don’t think they are coming with us. We cannot see or feel a physical presence. How do we feel? Also, and this maybe just me, do we do something stupid because we feel scared and alone and then Jesus comes to us after we’ve done the stupid thing? Are there times when we’ve felt like we’ve stepped out and even Jesus isn’t watching our backs/taking care of the storm around us? Have we ever felt like just getting out and walking away even when Jesus turns up?

I do wonder if too often we’ve allowed this story to be filled with passive characters and not allowed the disciples to be three dimensional, have not allowed them to be fully human. I wonder too if we’ve not let ourselves fully feel how we would have been in this situation. Ok so we know the end of that part of the story – the resurrection, God’s omnipresence, the infilling of the Holy Spirit – so we can react differently. But too often we don’t know the end of our stories or even what is happening in the next part.

I think it is ok to be scared, to be angry with God, to want to walk out and not come back. All those are real emotions. The brave thing is to stay; to stay with God, to forgive Jesus, to learn and grow in faith.

The question isn’t would we have stayed in the boat like the majority of the disciples or got out like Peter, I think the question is would we have obeyed Jesus and got in the boat in the first place even if we were terrified of boats and could see a storm coming?

Categories
forgiveness magic

The Magic Of Forgiveness

Even though this is a beautiful landscape, when one reads the tales of a large part of not just North Wales, the UK, but the whole world, there are stories of fighting which come about due to lack of forgiveness.

I have written a few posts about forgiveness on and off, especially connected around my explorations of The Lord’s Prayer, but one thing that struck me recently is “the magic of forgiveness.”

What do I mean by that?

Well we get taught a lot about how forgiveness is important as it stops us having to hold on to the other person’s wrongs, how it helps us to see clearly, but I have noticed too that it clears the air.

Often those we have to forgive most of all are those who are closest to us – partners, children, parents, other family members, close friends – because they touch our buttons most often. But what I’ve noticed is if I can feel myself getting wound up by someone, whether friend or family, if I go straight into forgiveness mode then the atmosphere lightens, generally we can chat openly about what needs to be talked about, and even if we still disagree we are together in a lighter place. If on the other hand if I decide that I am angry with that person, that they don’t deserve to have my forgiveness then actually I finish up being grouchy, the atmosphere is heavy and the other person is more obnoxious, angry, and in fighting mode.

An example is of a job I acquired as if by magic. Things were taking a while to come together and it looked, to me, as though people were deliberately trying to curtail it so I was niggled by them. Then I believe God spoke to me and told me I was being pedantic and needed to forgive. So I did. Well an amazing thing happened. Within in a day or so I got an email which basically told me the job was mine. Magic! All those barriers that they had been saying needed to be dealt with suddenly vanished. I do now believe it was me standing in the way and once I got down of my high horse and forgave then God could move things along.

So when I feel myself not wanting to forgive I just ask myself if I want to see Forgiveness work its magic. And if I’m honest there are some days when I think “yes I do” and other days when I think “no I can’t be bothered.” But hopefully as I grow more in trusting the Creator of the Universe with things rather than thinking I know best I will be able to work more of that Forgiveness Magic.

Categories
Four Horsemen Reveal Work With

The Four Horsemen

A nice piece of Medieval art work. I wish the Openverse [which is where I got the picture from using the “openverse” button on WordPress] would give a reference!!

Anyway why the Four Horsemen on this pleasant Monday morning? Well it comes about because on Saturday night we watched Now You See Me 2 on Netflix. A nice bit of easy listening with good morals, a bit of fighting but no horrid stuff and no sex. Yes there are only two female actors in the whole main cast, only three ethnic characters in the main cast, and other issues but that aside I found it a good easy Saturday evening watch.

But what struck me is the four key characters are known as The Four Horsemen – and automatically I’m thinking “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” from the Bible – the white horse often interpreted as Pestilence carrying a bow, the red horse of War carrying a sword, the black horse of Famine carrying scales, and the pale horse which is Death. One of the interesting things that the leader of these Horsemen in Now You See Me says as they are performing their final tricks of the film – [paraphrased] “We are the four horsemen. Our job is to reveal what is“

That really struck me. Often it is interpreted that the biblical horsemen are sent as a punishment, a judgement but what if they are there to reveal what is, to reveal what is really in our hearts. There are multiple interpretations even in the short piece from Wikipedia that I’ve shared. So I might be as “right” as anyone else.

We live in a time when we see the horrors of pollution, over mining of our plants resources, mass scale farming with its pesticides and fertilizers, plastics filling our oceans, climate change. There are wars and the mass migration of people groups caught in the horrors of war which are then rejected from the countries they run to. Again there is the migration of people due of famines which have come about because of over farming, climate change and wars. The scales are very much tilted towards those with money and not to a fair shared world. All of this leads to death. There are many colours that death can be but I like pale best because it is insipid and can fade into the background. But as well as those who die in wars, from famines, from trying to cross to safer countries, there are those who feel so hopeless they take their own lives, who die of cancers because of the lifestyles now led, who get killed by cars, planes, etc. Death is all around and much of it is violent and unnecessary.

Ok so The Four Horsemen in Now You See Me were not just about revealing corruption and bring things into the open but were about putting things right. So we can sit and bemoan the state of the world. And if you come across any group of people in the pub, on a dog walk, in a cafe, at home with friends, etc they/we are bemoaning the state of the world. Bit by bit it is revealed to us. But we need to do more than moan.

A while ago I wrote about how the world is caught up in logic and not listening to the heart, the deep heart. [Check out this post but also search “logic” on my blog page to get other posts that all roll together] And I think that is where the problem lies. Logic causes us to panic, to become overly anxious but kicks in the “freeze” mode of our automatic nervous system. So we don’t act. We get increased mental health and learning difficulties because we are focusing on logically trying to sort the situations and so our anxieties levels are running on an all time high and then we are logically trying to get them turned off!!

So how do I listen to what I hear these four horsemen reveal in my quiet little North Wales seaside town and know where I fit into the picture of not only revealing but of changing?

Firstly I can breath, ANS regularly, and keep my energy levels calm so that when I go out into the world I take a pool of calm with me.

Secondly I can pray. Not telling God what to do but by quietly listening to what God is saying. Quietly really hear in my heart not what I want the answers to be but what God, the Creator of this Universe, really wants in these situations. Some of what I hear won’t make sense to my logical brain but I have to trust the Creator that they know what they are on about.

Thirdly I can do those things that will help; turn off lights, think sustainably, buy ethically, be kind and generous to others, love my neighbour as I would like to be loved, believe I have everything for my daily needs, forgive and know that I am forgiven, not put things into judgemental good/bad boxes, etc. [ I say “etc” because I know there are so many other things that are relevant for each of you reading this. For some it is to write what they are called to write, to paint what they are called to paint, to work at the jobs they are called to work out. And sooooooo much more]

I just want to share this YouTube video from The Grays Haven Music called REST. God’s work is done and we just need to Rest, to know our part and to trust in them. I don’t in anyway think this means do nothing but, I think, it does mean don’t fuss, don’t worry, trust and listen to what your part is in the already done work of God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.

Categories
Listening Still

Relearning!

made by https://www.sethceramics.co.uk/

I’m sure I’m not the only human being who is a bit thick at times. Yes I talk about listening with my heart but as it says somewhere in the bible “The heart is fickle” or something like that. Well I’m not sure about you but my heart can get lost in its own stuff at times and it takes a few things to nudge it out again. And the nudges came in shed loads over the weekend.

As you know I’ve got this part time job 4 afternoons a week. It is great. It is right. It also helps that the rotas are not confirmed until the Friday of the previous week so I cannot get into planning because I don’t know when I’ll get that day off. The last couple of weeks it has been a Wednesday but the couple of weeks previous it was a Friday and who knows what for next week. So I have to be patient and wait.

I said to someone when I got this job that it was good because it meant I would have to say No to things but instead I have been filling up those mornings with things. Made all the more sneaky in that they are great things, all of which felt right. But what all these great things did was not only did they stopped me writing they also stopped me from pondering, from thinking, from knowing how I felt.

I managed to justify it all by saying to myself that these were the right things to do. In fact a couple of them were things I had been hoping to do for years. Why is it sometimes those things you had set your heart on are not what you should be doing? At least not at this moment in time because they get in the way of the bigger thing.

The bigger thing in my writing. Not just these blogs but the other projects that need peculating time. But not just that. I have also learned that I need, like we all do really, to have time to feel my feelings and to really know my heart.

It is always interesting how taking time out to know ourselves and be the best version of ourselves is so overlooked!

So on Saturday I’m at a writing workshop and am saying to one of the group that I haven’t written much and she almost gives me reassurance that this is ok because we are all busy. My heart jumped. Busy is a key word and so I tucked it away.

Then on Sunday we went to a ceramics show. Firstly I chatted to a woman who now makes huge slab bird baths and she told me her story; of how she had once been a renowned collectable potter but had felt a call to something else and she’d had to spend time pondering until she found out how all her things connected. Again I felt that heart bump and had to stop and write down the key things that she said

Follow your interests. It is your interests that will take you where you should go. But take time out to find what they really are. It is about being brave enough to take time out.

Then I came across a lady who made the Caretaker bird in the photograph. Some of the info about these birds says how they came out in lockdown but now have disappeared. This bird is about resting, being, drinking tea, listening. I could not leave it behind. I was going to keep it in my study but it now sits on the hall table so I see it as I come and go. And it reminds me to take things slower, to listen, to drink tea, to be rather than do, to have time to look around, to not have to fill my day, my diary, with stuff.

I sat on the grass, wrote a bit on the backs of the business cards I’d picked up and listened to God/The Universe as my husband continued round talking to potters. I realised again I had filled my time so I did not have to listen to my emotions. They had been telling me for a while to give up a voluntary position but I had been ignoring it because I really wanted to do this. But I had to listen when I was getting bombarded on all sides to slow down.

So I cancelled something that only took up 2 mornings of my week but actually took up a lot of my headspace. Once I had made that decision emotions around a family thing came flooding in. All I could say was it was like slit being disturb on the river bed. Now if I hadn’t stopped this thing I think the slit would have stayed put. I think that’s why we keep busy. To stop the slit being disturbed. But the silt isn’t good. It stops the river of me from flowing freely.

So I’ve put in place some QEC time and also been able to spend the last 2 mornings pondering and being. I have felt such peace and not having to fit things in around other stuff. Pondering isn’t something you can fit in anyway. Neither is listening to your heart.

Yes we do all have things we have to do but too often we fill our days up with things we think we ought to do – to look good, to be busy, to feel we belong, etc. Stopping does hurt for a bit but it is better to know and to feel truly than to keep blundering through and taking one’s unhealed bits forward into something new.

I know I’ll falter at this. I know I’ll fill time up again. But I am hoping Beaty, the Caretaker bird on my hall table will keep reminding me of my true purpose.

Categories
regret whole

It’s Not You It’s Me!

Reminded me of a bridge a didn’t cross! Isle of Bute May 2023 photographed by me

After writing Saturday’s post I was reminded of something I regretted. Something I did not take on board as a lifestyle and I wondered why.

Over the course of my Christian life I have done various Christian healing courses – Freedom in Christ, Sozo to name but two. Yet when I started with QEC I was dismissive of these. I must say I just thought it was because QEC was a better fit for me, and at times was maybe a better tool. But I realised recently it was me.

I was expecting someone to “fix me”, to do the work for me, to be my ‘parent’ in all this. Even when I started QEC I wanted my practitioner to be that person I could turn to, be my ‘best friend’, be the one to remind me of what I had to do and when things went wrong I could go to her and she would sort things.

The longer I’ve been doing QEC [4 years now] the more I’ve realised that in fact it is about me not about my practitioner. This whole QEC stuff will not become a lifestyle unless I take the responsibility – not my QEC practitioner, not the Freedom in Christ book or group leader, not the Sozo facilitator, not the person who prays with me, not my church leader, not my husband, not my friends, etc, etc. In fact not even God/The Universe.

All this came about from something that was triggered the other day from something on Facebook of all places. It has made me realise how the things I did with the other healing type ministries were stepping stones to where I am now and I am grateful for that. And grateful for the style of those healing ministries. But also I realised that QEC and ANSing have been working for me because I do not expect someone else to take responsibility for me. I have. somewhere along the line, let go of needing to be a part of something, to be something special in the group, expect someone to care about what I am doing.

I looked back just now on the emails I have saved from when I started QEC and I was having to message in between sessions to say how I was doing. I do now WhatsApp my practitioner but there isn’t quite that “need” now.

So I now realise that I did not get the full benefit from those other forms of healing, not because they weren’t as good, but because I was not as ready to be solid, safe human being and know that working together with God/The Universe and the tools from these healing type things I could stand on my own.

That isn’t in an independent “I don’t need anyone” individualistic way. But in an “I am a whole person and these are things that are helping me become more whole and solid myself”