This morning there was a sunrise very much like this over my park as I was walking the dogs this morning. What struck me was that all of us said “wow look at the sunrise” and no one said “look at the darkness”. We were all focused on the light.
I think this is what Jesus wants for us all. Not for us to focus on the darkness within us or within our world but he wants us to focus on his light shining and chasing away the darkness.
One of the things my QEC practitioner suggests is to not try and analyse why we feel a certain way – as in not try to look at where it comes from – and to not blame self or others or our past or our memories or whatever, but to change the now. Basically to look at the light of where we are now, to put in those new beliefs and to move on changed and healed.
I think Jesus, Light of the World, wants us to focus on their light, on the new creation we are growing into, and to let go of the darkness; our fears, anxieties, our not “enoughs”, our shoulds and oughts. Basically to let go of guilt and shame and to walk in the freedom and healing that light brings.
As we all know from dog walking as the sun comes up it is much easier to see not only who else is in the park but also to pick up dog poo when it gets lighter. We focus on the light and things are easier.
So even though the days are getting shorter I am going to do my best to focus on the 8 or less hours of daylight we’re getting but also focus on the light that is Jesus even in the dark.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:1-5
Too often, I think, we see the “darkness” as the world around us – wars, greed, poverty, world leaders, etc etc and we pray that “they” will change. Yes those things are darkness things. But I think too often we forget the darkness within each one of us, the darkness that makes us fearful, anxious, worrying, not able to give freely, not able to fully lean on God and trust them, that makes us always need answers rather than to live in the mystery.
For me this video from Instagram says much clearer what we can be like when we let the darkness take over and also how we can be. [Do try to watch it all because it helps make this post make better sense if you watch all of it]
So are we willing to do the work, to let Jesus, who is the light of the world, shine into our own dark places? Are we willing to surrender our dark places to a God we cannot see, often cannot understand, and who sometimes seems to do things we rather they didn’t do?
But if we are willing to do that via whatever means that change the thoughts that are so deeply imprinted in our minds then we can be like the guy on the video – at peace and appreciating what is around us.
“Bestill, andknow that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10
This was a verse that was given to me on a bookmark over 30 years ago when I first met with God and I’ve been pondering it every since.
What struck me in church on Sunday was – this is not a moment in our day when we take a “mindfulness moment” but it is a lifestyle. The whole of our life and our existence should be still, calm, at peace, knowing that God has it all covered and that our whole role in the whole salvation of all the peoples of the world is just to be still and to know that God is God. But I think too often we see this as a moment not a whole.
So we take a moment to be still and then we go back to worrying, doing it in our own strength, stressing, when we can just still our whole minds and bodies and believe
This isn’t easy but, from what I’ve learned from QEC and being able to bring my autonomic nervous system into line regularly then it is possible to keep “resetting” and returning to that still and trusting place whenever we notice we’re not there 🙂
On the last day I drove my car [even though I didn’t at that time know it was the last day] I went to see a matinee of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. It is story I’ve got a lot of affinity with because I read it many times to my children when they were little and then played Mrs Beaver in a Bath City Church version twelve years ago.
The musical is great, though challenging at the beginning because the Pevensie children are all played by actors with dark skins which got me thinking about how that could have been possible. We’ve all just assumed they were white. Although it does say Lucy has fair hair so …. But it is good to be challenged to rethink what we’ve just taken for granted.
From the musical came a few questions I’ve been pondering. One of which relates back to the Unite marches and the division that could be seen there.
There is a point in it that they talk of Freedom from the White Witch. The White Witch is seen as bad because she makes it “winter but never Christmas”. But interestingly she has a large following who don’t seem to be following her through fear but for other reasons we never get to know.
I wonder, if we really talked to those people on the marches, instead of just presuming we know what they think, but get allowed to look through their Truth window what we would really see.
Over the weekend we chatted with some lovely friends and we got on to the empowered/powerless talk and the “why don’t they just get a job?”. We are all educated, all well read, all reasonably confident. We’ve all been willing to get on and do and we see our kids getting on and doing. Theirs are 10 years younger but still you can see how they deal with life. My daughter is going through a tough time at the moment but she is proactive and walking through it. They, and we, are all empowered people. We would all probably unite behind someone who would give everyone their freedom, support all, bring everyone “up” in the world.
Yet I look at a friend’s family who are addicts, keep getting in trouble with the Police, keep waiting for someone to help them up but are not able to do it themselves. They are, for whatever reason, powerless. I could see them uniting around someone who would tell them they are in the situation they are in because it is someone else’s fault.
But then on Sunday I went back to church for the first time in ages [I have popped in and out but this felt like a coming back] and during a very interesting sermon one of the things that struck me was, firstly the whole thing of knowing Jesus, but more importantly than that it was knowing that we were loved and accepted just as we are. And we need to know that deep deep in ourselves before we take it out to others. This, I believe, is where true empowerment comes from. Yes many are blessed/lucky to have it within themselves and to know, whether through understanding parents, friends, or healing, that they are accepted powerful human beings. But I think, even those who lead and look powerful are deep inside hurting and are not really and truly free.
But how do we know we are loved? I think too often the Church sees love as the congregation doing things, not of being and being accepted but of doing things for the Church and for God. But I think we need to, as Christine Sine said Slow Down a bit and see the wonder, the wonder not just around us but within us. Each of us are amazingly created people if we only believe that, if we are only bold enough to let others see our Truth window, for us ourselves to see our own Truth window.
Here’s a poem for Christine that talks of slowing down, of seeing the wonder. And as she says it is seeing the pain and suffering as well as the breathtaking beauty.
Walking in the fastest pace for noticing Slow down, Walking is the fastest pace, For noticing, For paying attention, To the pain of our suffering world And the breathtaking beauty Of its wonder. Slow down, Look, listen, touch, Anchor yourself to the earth. Absorb the input of your senses, The details that speak Of your aliveness, In a world that seems consumed By death. Slow down, Hold onto the sacrifices Of love and compassion, Be generous, Embrace diversity. Sit in awe and wonder Of the One Who is making all things new.
So how do we unite for Freedom? I think, we need to know we are loved and accepted for who we are not what we do, and need to slow down, see the wonder within and without, and work out what Freedom really means to us.
So as I told you in my last post I’d been told that I’d been told not to drive. Today I got confirmation that my driving days are over. Thanking God that I had lens replacement surgery 13 years ago and so my vision forward is fine and I can still read and write. But now it is official that I can’t drive again. I’ve been thrown a curve ball
I must admit I never knew the baseball term, curve ball, but the other definition is correct. Though really it doesn’t feel difficult to deal with . It just feels something to deal with that is unexpected. Yes it does change my whole situation and make life very different. I will no longer be able to get in the car first thing in the morning and go to a deserted beach. But I do have a friend who used to be a bus driver who is going to help navigate getting to far flung places. The other day I did get the bus to the beach and realised what an advantage there is. I could get off the beach at one place. Walk for a couple of miles and then get on a different bus further a long the beach. I didn’t have to go back to where I’d started and get my car.
I love this quote from Jon Stewart ….
‘the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life,
I think too often we expect to be able to choose that core curriculum, make those decisions on what we want our life to be. In many self-help books we are told this is what we should do – set goals, make place, know where we want to go or we won’t get there. And ok yes there is some truth in that but I think we always need to be ready for when life takes us off that core curriculum, when an elective is chucked in front of us, when we have to dodge or catch that curve ball. But too often when those things get thrown at us we react badly because it is not what we wanted, not what we think we deserve, not what we think should happen in our lives that we are struggling to control.
So not being able to drive was not my plan for my life at this moment in time, but then, as I explore writing my memoir tales, a lot happened in my life that, even though I let happen, even orchestrated, it wasn’t really what I wanted. The awesome thing now is that I can lean into God, trust God let me know and full believe that they know their plans for me which is to give me a future and a hope – and that hope only comes, I believe, through my trust in them.
At this junction I can choose whether to have hope or whether to be in despair. I choose hope.
A friend of mine was telling me how she wasn’t happy about the concept of Gay Pride. She said it wasn’t because she was anti gay but it was the word “pride” and the biblical “pride comes before a fall” [Proverbs 6:18] and of pride being one of the seven deadly sins. It got me thinking about the word and different meanings of pride especially as when I run writing groups with adults or children I encourage them to be proud of their work; to have pride in what they do. Then later on that same day someone was bemoaning trying to get a settlement with their estranged husband and said “typical male pride”.
I think the Proverbs verse means don’t think too highly of yourself; don’t be prideful. But that Gay pride is to know your own worth and respect yourself. Very different meanings to the same word.
This is one of the problems with the English language I think. Too often there is only one word but many meanings. It is also where things get mixed up when looking at the Bible, a book that was written in at least three very different languages and then translated into many others. Too often the translation comes via Latin which is too often limited in its wording – eg the word we use as Love as many different forms in the Hebrew and at least six in Greek, all with different connotations. A bit like the Eskimos having many words for snow and the Welsh have at least 26 words for rain.
So I agree that none of us should think we are any better than anyone else, prideful, but I think that we should all be content with who we are, be proud of our achievements, be proud when we see those we love and care for doing well. It isn’t this sort of pride that comes before a fall but the sort of pride that stops us asking for help, stops us helping others, stops us realising that we have faults too. The pride we need to live and walking is a humble pride of knowing our strengths and our weaknesses, knowing our wants and needs, and be open and caring to ourselves and each other. True pride [not pridefulness] means we can truly love ourselves and so truly love our neighbour because we know what we can and cannot do.
This is John the Baptist in full rant by the Jordan river.
Something happened last night that made me read this verse this morning in a different light. So I’ve always seen this verse to be about doing good things, about not breaking the 10 commandments and much more. I’ve thought it meant doing good deeds, of helping the poor, of being cheerful, etc, etc. But last night I was grappling with being put in a position I’m not comfortable with.
This is the uncomfortable position – I came up with an idea about a family event with music and food at a local park. I’ve since realised that I am being expected to coordinate and organise everything and last night that sent me into a tailspin and I was awake from about 3am. I am a visionary and an encourager but I am not great at going into places and asking people to do things. Ask me to get people together so they can do an event [which is what I do with the local areas different Messy Church leaders] and I’m great. But then someone else has to sort out the how, what, when, where, etc.
I did pray and what came to my head was to ask people to pray for someone to help me and to be open about my vulnerability. I sent the request to a group of ladies I’ve only just connected with, as well as to close friends.
Then this morning I read this verse.
I am sure I am not the only person who struggles to ask people to help.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who tries to push through when I’m not comfortable doing so.
I’m sure I’m not the only who doesn’t like to say “I can do this but cannot this”.
But if I am a new creation, if the Son of The Creator God has truly set me free, if I am truly repentant of my old life, then I should be able to be vulnerable, should be able to say “I can’t do that” and should be able to ask for help.
To me this is “producing fruit in keeping with repentance” or showing that I have given up my “sin” of self-reliance.
A friend mention about being a leaf and not tree [I’ve got a poem coming together around this] and I think this is part of repenting of being self-reliant, of producing the fruit of connectivity and community. It is repenting of “going it alone” and producing fruit of “needing others even if they hurt at times.”
After reading this verse this morning after my sleepless but revelatory night I am now going to have a ponder what other areas in my life I “miss God’s mark” and where I need to “turn around” and see what fruit is really there.
There’s more to producing the fruit of repentance than just going good things.
first snowdrops. Early Feb 2025. Photographed by myself
I’ve had the above question buzzing round in my head since a post came up on Facebook from someone I admire who slipped in about her parents being stressy, angry, not wanting to heal of their trauma, but also of how she was “dragged” to church every Sunday. And I was like “how can I show her that Christians are different?” And I’m not sure that I can because every thing that I’m told Christians should be – kind, generous, supporting others, at peace, filled with joy, sure of their direction and decisions, know they are totally loved, know they are fully forgive, fully forgive others, etc – I see in those who are not Christians and often’ don’t see if Christians.
This isn’t a crisis of faith but I think that is because I had the most amazing conversion experience where I was totally swamped by God’s love for me even when I was a total mess and didn’t even like myself. There have been many times over this 33 year journey where I’ve not stayed under that safe motherly wing of God’s love, of where I’ve not given God all my sh*t to deal with, where I’ve been afraid, angry, totally out of order, but always known deep down that I was loved.
So what is my issue?
Well I think what I want is so that people like this person on FB, others that I know, will be able to see the difference in those who profess to being Christians but I don’t think that will happen.
Like I say it has been 33 years since I had that first amazing God encounter and I’ve been lucky enough to have others since but I’ve been on this Following Jesus journey for over half my life, have loads of Christian friends of all different persuasions. I think I’ve “got used to it”. It is now my norm and I often forget where I was beforehand. Perhaps I also want to see a bigger difference in my life???
I think I have to go back to why I became a follower of Jesus and it wasn’t because of any person but was because of meeting with God in a way that worked for me. I know others who it has happened to differently. Just last weekend one of our Upper Room ladies said she’d taken a woman to church who had gone up to make Jesus her Lord and Saviour at that church meeting. The Upper Room lady is amazing but also she was faithful to take this woman to church at the right time.
And the more I ponder this the more I think that there is nothing noticeably different about being a Christian – even the “having Jesus to talk to/to know how to follow” is a bit tenuous at times and I know others, including the FB person who started my line of thought, who would say they listen to their heart or to the Universe for guidance, for peace, for healing, etc.
But what I do think is that we need to be faithful to God’s leading and be willing to do things to help put people in the way of God. It is actually quite egotistical to think we have to “lead people to Christ” even though that is how a lot of us were brought up in evangelist/charismatic traditions.
In these traditions, a lot of the time there is either openly or subversively that idea that we have to be different to draw people to Jesus. I think that’s why there can be so many “don’t” rules, because there is that underlying idea that it is our responsibility whether people want to follow Jesus or not.
Jesus told his followers to heal, to cast out demons, to share the good news [though that can be vague at times] and to make disciples. We should be making disciples not converts too. We should be putting in the hours to help people heal from their traumas as well as their physical issues, helping people work out their journey with God, walking with people as they stumble, even calling them out when they do and say and act a certain way, and be willing to be challenged ourselves.
So as I’ve pondered it, as I’ve wound up my lovely Christian friends by throwing this into as many conversations as I can, and now as I write it, I believe we need to get out of the way and let God in.
So how will I respond to my FB friend? I won’t. I won’t try to argue God’s case for them. I will step out of the way. I will keep on praying and keep on hoping that one day God gets them to turn and face God’s way. Also I will live out the good news of God as best I can, will continue on my own healing journey with God, will be willing to disciple others, and be the fallible human being I am.
I wasn’t going to do an end of year post but then came across this poem that was shared by Feasts and Fables because it sums up my year and not just this year. And also to share my response to it.
Responding to poems is something we do in the journaling group I attend once a month and it is a great way to get into those subconscious alpha waves
So here first is Brian Bilston’s “This is the year that was not the year”
This was the year that was not the year
This was the year that was not the year I repaired the bathroom tap and emptied out the kitchen drawer of a lifetime’s worth of crap.
This was the year that was not the year in which I launched a new career. A West End hit eluded me as did Time Person of the Year.
This was the year that was not the year I became a household name. Action figures were not sold of me. I wasn’t made a dame.
This was the year that was not the year I spent less time on my phone. Nights of passion did not happen in boutique hotels in Rome.
This was the year that was the year I didn’t get that much done – much the same as the year before, much like the one to come.
(Brian Bilston)
And this is my response
This was the year that was not the year
I cleaned and sealed the tiles in the hall
decided what colours to paint said hall
and revamped the kitchen
This was the year that was not the year
I made a plan for the garden
removed the crap from the pots
and remembered to weed regularly
This was the year that was not the year
I cleared out the old paint tins under the stairs
took them and other detritus to the tip
and planned in the downstairs toilet
This was the year that was not the year
I chatted with some kitchen fitters
finally got rid of the dark and blistering work surfaces
and brightened up the kitchen.
This was the year that was not the year
I read more and played less on my phone
finally learned to crochet and paint
and became a household name.
This was the year that was the year
I learned to be content with myself
got motivated on my Substack account
and let myself off the hook
This was the year that was the year
I made some new friendships
did a ten week series with Write Club
and wrote the first draft of my memoirs
This was the year that was the year
that I shared some good pieces – poems and stories
self-published a book on Psalm 23
and am practising gratitude as a way of life
I’ve loved the way this poem evolved. It refused to let me finish without those three positive verses at the end. I do find writing is how explore what I’m thinking, like many well-known writers also say.
These posts are free but you are welcome to Buy Me A Coffee or similar
Blessings and peace to you all as we transition smoothly into 2025
It’s been a while since I’ve posted . Not because I haven’t had posts in my head but because it is that time of year – that time when one’s head if filled with Christmas stuff; what to get for who and when to send, and what Christmas cards to send to who and why, the whole food and drink thing, and what to do with the long enforced break for some. Head full of thoughts. I’ve also decided to start a Substack with my writing on it which I’ve told people I’ll post 2-3 times a week. I’ve done one week and got a growing following, including one paying subscriber so I probably need to do regular postings. Perhaps should have waited till the new year but ….
This post came from a picture on FB about taking thoughts captive, which I cannnot refind so can’t share the source of this thought with you but did find the lovely picture above. I’ve not read the post/sermon that accompanies it but do feel free if you wish.
Here is the whole Bible verse
We demolish arguments and every pretension …, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5
How often do arguments occur because we have let our minds wander off on their own coming up with all sorts of scenarios for what the other person is thinking/feeling/intentions are? I’ve had it with the Christmas present shopping. Once I’ve bought something I go down the rabbit hole of “they won’t like it” “it is too much” “I should have bought X instead”.
I had a lovely challenge over the weekend. A friend had message to say she was off to the park and would meet me there. She was late and I’d bumped into another friend who’d suggested going to see the waves [it was the tail end of Storm Darragh]. Whilst I was on the beach with this friend the other friend phoned to say she was at the park. I told her where I was. It is a walk that leads back to the park but when I got back and phoned her she didn’t answer. I then messaged to say did she want to meet for coffee the following day. No answer. So my mind started its journey of “she doesn’t like me any more” “she’s scary when she’s angry” right the way through to “I’m not sure if I want to be her friend any more”. I then pulled myself together and started taking every one of those random thoughts captive. Because I like visual stuff I imagined these thoughts running like fish along the river of my mind [I think I’ve heard this in a sermon somewhere] and I speared them, gave them a quick look over, then throw them on to a bonfire. Eventually those random thoughts stopped coming and I was at peace with my decision to go to the beach instead of hanging around in the park and felt that all would work out as God/The Universe intended. The following day I got a text from her saying she wasn’t free when I’d said but what about later in the week. When we did meet she didn’t say anything about me going to the beach. It was all over.
How often though do we waste time on those random thoughts? How often do we take things and blow them up out of all proportion?
I could easily have built up arguments in my head about this friendship, built up pretensions. In a course I did about relieving stress this was called “fortune telling” – imagining a future when none of us know what the future looks like. Although this does seem to be what our media and much of social media focuses on – fear of what might happen. Capture those thoughts and throw them away. None of us knows the future. And we build up stress and stress leads of falling out with each other because we aren’t living in the reality that is now.
A couple of nights later I’d had too much sugar before going to bed and woke up with that whole worrying about X,Y and Z. I did the “taking every thought captive” and throwing it on the bonfire and as I did it I cleared the water of my mind, realised that it was a sugar rush going on, went to get a drink and accepted that this was what it was. I didn’t even do the “I shouldn’t have done eaten those sweets so close to bed”. Instead I just accepted that what was was.
I’m learning more and more to do this with other things. So with the presents and the Christmas cards I’ve written, I’m sending with love and a belief that they will be received with love. Because also all thoughts are not to be thrown on to the bonfire and got rid of. Some thoughts are lovely and need to be savoured. That is why it says to capture them but then make them obedient to the mind of Christ which is calm, peaceful, and filled with love.
River at Betws-y-coed September 2023 photographed by myself
Aspirational Adventures 