I married Ian in 2007. I have two grown up children, who I home schooled until they were 16. My son has just joined the army, my daughter has just moved to Cardiff.
I have a degree in History and Creative writing and a PGDip in using Creative Writing for Therapeutic Purposes.
Until Feb 2016 I lived in a beautiful part of England and now I live in a beautiful part of North Wales where my time is filled with welcoming Airbnb rental guests, running writing workshops, writing, serving in my local Welsh Anglican Church, going for long walks with my little dog, Renly, and drinking coffee and chatting with friends
Here’s my little love. What I love about my dog is how compliant he is. This morning we bumped into friends so instead of doing just a mile walk we did three. He did not complain at all.
Sometimes we think of love as being easy going, about holding hands, about flowers and chocolates and meals out, and just being “nice” to one another. But Valentine, who the day is named after, wasn’t easy going, was not compliant, would not have accepted a bunch of flowers, box of chocs or even a lovely weekend away as a sign of love. For Valentine he was super tough in sharing the message of God’s unconditional love and of how Jesus had loved us all so much he was willing not just to have died for us but to have led his whole life in sacrifice to bring us back to relationship with God.
The being the saint of lovers comes from the belief that Valentine married people against the Emperor’s wishes and took secret messages between jailed lovers.
For some reason in the Middle Ages St Valentine’s day became associated with courtly love; sending knights off on adventures and daring-dos! So even though it has moved into more romantic love it is still about sacrifice and showing one is willing to risk one’s life for those one professes to love.
Whether we give or don’t give, receive or don’t receive, like or dislike the whole thing of Valentine’s day, how many of us are willing to sacrifice for those we love? Let alone how many of us are willing to sacrifice for those we don’t know that well?
[An aside – Valentine is also the saint of epilepsy and beekeepers!!! Hummmm!!!]
Renly trying to decide whether to stay on the windswept beach or run back to the car 🙂 Whatever decision will be the right one and I will love him no matter what. Photographed by myself Nov 2023
I love the above statement. In the article that follows it is about saying things aren’t ready for takeoff yet. It got me thinking with this year of elections coming up – how many of our leaders have the courage to make the right decisions and how many will promise us things they cannot deliver? How often do we promise we will do something because we do not have the courage to upset others because we are too busy people pleaseing? And also to make this positive step along the way with a project rather than coming over negatively.
It is the courage to say No that I love about this story. No it isn’t safe. No it isn’t ready. Just no not yet. Not no forever but just wait. This project will have to wait because I don’t have the energy/time/resources/support to get it done.
I think too often one is encouraged to push through and get things done rather than be courageous enough to say “wait” and “not quite yet”. The Artemis 2 people aren’t say Never but are saying Wait. Wait till it’s safe. Wait till we know more.
I think about the meeting where I bemoaned the need for some people to show they were busy, in that there was just this need to “get the job done” “get the money spent” and when someone was brave enough to challenge that, all though they appeared to be listened to, were actually ignored because no one there was courageous enough to say things like “oh you could be right let’s wait a while“.
The courage to make the right decision is so much more than pushing through regardless. It is so much more than putting in those extra hours to keep someone else happy. It is the courage to look at the whole situation and then be willing to say Wait. Sometimes it might even be the courage to scrap it completely.
I will paraphrase something I heard on a TV program last night “This life is all we have and it is alright to make mistakes along the way so long as one has the courage to admit to them, pick oneself up and go off to see what happens next”.
Not “don’t make mistakes” and not “oh that hurt so I won’t step out again” but to boldly go and courageously see what happens next.
For those who know my dog he does sleep as well as he does busy. Though for him busy is sniffing on a walk, having a shorter and shorter zoomy with his doggie friends as he gets older, and rushing to find a treat. He then does rest and recover very well. So why can’t we as human beings desire more and more to do this.
I am sooooo fed of reading things that will make me more efficient with my time, will make me more productive and thus will give me more money to do more things with. But this seems to be what too many human beings think they want. Rest and recuperation, are things that get timetabled in rather than a priority that we work around.
I read somewhere that to be truly creative, not just in one’s writing, painting, etc but in coming up with solutions on how to live your life, how to find out how to stop climate change, how to change the world, one needs to sit about doing nothing. Not as in a “planning to think about” exercise but in a “letting ones mind drift and see what the universe drops into it.” Apparently all the great inventors spent time just staring into space, getting into those alpha ways, getting tuned into what might just be floating around.
But we encourage each other and our children from an early age to be busy, to look busy, to be productive, to not waste time, to be doing something. So we all grow up with a fear of staring out the window, of wasting time.
I’ve a couple of friends how actually do just that. When the weather is like it is now [pouring with rain] if they have no work they don’t get dressed, they don’t see anyone, they don’t do anything. I would like to say that they then achieve great things but they don’t. But they do enjoy their sitting around being time. Interestingly both of them get led to pray for things that surprise them because they hadn’t planned to. So really then one can they that they are following God’s lead on what God wants prayed about.
But busyness gets rewarded. I was at a meeting the other day in which it got down to people boasting about how busy they were, how they gave their time for free for the good of whatever, how they had so little time. And then they got “rewarded” by being given more to do. And they all looked so pleased with it.
Interestingly I didn’t get given anything. And what little it looked like I might be doing got taken away from me. I suspect it is because I am now sending out those vibes, that energy, to say “I only want to do what I’m meant to do”. Also I no longer need other people’s affirmation that what I do with my day is worthwhile. I know it is whether it is staring out the window, cooking tea, keeping house, running a writing workshop, finishing a story and bravely sending it out for a competition, reading a book or watching TV. All those things are my worthwhile day.
Why? Because they kept me healthy – because I’m not needing someone else to affirm me. But also because what I do I can do to my full energy and give it my all because I’m not planning on the next thing.
In this meeting some had leave early because they were off to other meetings, some were doing other work during the meeting, and like I say many of them were saying how they had just rushed from something and had more to do.
So I want to live out the rest of my life to the full but I do not want “the full” to be busy busy busy, but to have time to chill in front of the TV, read books I like, chat with friends, be flexible when the weather halts things, be free to stare out the window and watch those raindrops falling and to see they joy in them because ….. just because
My dog’s response when I told him it was February! Photographed by myself 1st Feb 2024. He doesn’t care what day of the week or day of the month or whatever it is!
No I’m not going to start a series of months of the year. Or I don’t think so. Who know where my mind might take me this year??
St Brigid’s day. Imbolc. Candlemass. Groundhog day. Halfway between winter solstice and the spring equinox. All different names to celebrate the 1st and 2nd February. Or as many people like to say or feel “thank goodness we’ve made it through January, the longest month of the year“.
Here the sun has shone for the last two days after a Monday, 29th Jan, where it poured with rain all day solidly. It feels like spring is coming. There are snowdrops and even some hardy daffodils showing their heads. On the grass over the road from my house the crocuses that were planted by someone long before we moved in are showing their heads.
So this is a post with no deep meaning but just to say “Hello February” and “I’m pleased you’re here and looking good.”
photographed by myself 25th January at Rhuddlan nature reserve
photographed at my friend’s house April 2022. I was the first one up enjoying the warmth of the conservatory and the bird songs and fresh breezes of the morning
Is this door half open or half closed?
Someone was saying about a sermon they which combined open and closed doors and was wondering about its meaning.
Well this got me thinking! Too often we ask for doors to be opened as a good thing and doors to be closed as a not so good thing. But I remember my sister getting her fingers caught in the back door of our house because the front door was open too and a through draft caused the back door to slam.
Along most streets front doors are kept closed. When I lived a back-to-back houses part of Belfast it was said that if the key was in the door [hence door closed but unlocked] you let yourself in and the owner of the house would make you a cup of tea, but if the door was open a slight bit that meant the person had gone out for a bit and so if you did go in you’d have to put the kettle on yourself.
On a metaphorical level not all open doors are ones we are meant to through. I realised this with my job last year. Because of the skills I have, and the need for people in that sector, I can walk into the sort of job I was doing with ease. But that doesn’t mean that I should go through it.
As with the doors in the area of Belfast I lived in, just because they had keys in or were left a jar that didn’t mean I could walk into them. I was an English person, a new person to the area. I was not family or friend of many years. It would have been presumptuous of me to just walk in and I never did. The same as if I had started that same custom with the keys etc the neighbours would not have just walked into my house because of our lack of longevity in relationships.
So I think not all open doors are a good thing and not all closed doors are a bad thing. We need doors to close so we don’t get our fingers caught in them, but also so that we can move on through the next door. If doors are always open we’ll be dithering about and not being sure where to go and what to do.
But also, I think, we need to fully know who we are – our love ourselves as we are and know our strengths, our likes, our weaknesses and things we are willing to say we don’t like. Then we can look at a door whether it is wide open, open a little bit, is closed with the key in or is fully shut, and decide if we want to really give it a try.
There are doors I have walked through because I have had metaphorical big boots open that actually I didn’t really want to go through but they were open a wee bit and so I pushed. Thankfully I’ve been able to get out of them by learning more about who I am and what I love doing – my passions and my “vocation” so to speak. There are also doors that stood open that I was afraid to go through for various reasons and some of that could have been that even though the door was open it wasn’t my right door at that moment in time.
So there is no good and no bad [back to those Two Trees in the Garden again] but, I think, there is a “know the truth and the truth will set you free” [John 8:32]. The truth of who you are and where you would like to go in your life. Then you can walk through the door with boldness with God, the Creator of the Universe who loves and cares for you unconditionally, and see what happens next.
This photograph was taken on our 14th wedding anniversary somewhere in Yorkshire [I think]. I’ve picked it because I think it symbolised marriage for me – a simple bridge over uncertain waters.
So we have made it to 17 years!! Neither of us has ever been a relationship this long, apart from with parents or me with my children. I am still amazed – not just that we are together but that we still do enjoy each other’s company on the whole.
We are very much not the people we married 17 years ago. I often thought, when I was younger, that when one reached middle age one’s personality and ways of being would become settled, etched in stone [I was 45 when I married my “toy boy” was only 38] but that’s not true. We have walked through many things since being married – untimely deaths of friends and family, my teenage children growing up and leaving home and all the stuff that went with that. We’ve moved house, got pets, learned things, got healed of things, made new friends and hung on to some older ones. Combined some of those friends so that they are “our friends” and kept some that are just our own. Our energy levels have changed too. We’ve changed inside and out. Sometimes in harmony and sometimes clashing. We’ve had times when I am surprised we are still together and times I couldn’t imagine us apart.
This year’s anniversary is different from the rest. Our plan, when we still had children living at home, was to take off on the nearest weekend to our anniversary and stay in a nice hotel, just the two of us, within a couple of hours to our home. Even when the children left home we kept up this tradition. Although last year we stayed at home. For me I think it was because I had just said goodbye to my dear friend Tessa, who died the day before our 16th anniversary. So the whole idea of going away when I’d just been away visiting her was a bit much for my heart. But we were at least spent it together.
But this year we saw each other briefly on the morning of our anniversary before my husband’s taxi came to take him off to the airport for a business trip and I took the dog out. It is not unusual now lockdown is a thing of the past for my husband to go away but it is the first anniversary we’ve spent apart.
It is strange because I often say that I don’t “do our anniversary” but with him not here I realise that I miss not being able to “not do” this time. It made me think of all those other anniversaries that sometimes our bodies react to but our minds forget. Those times of loss, of celebration, of trauma, of something unexpected. And as one grows older there are more and more of them – both grief and celebration, both sadness and celebration – and too often we try to just push through.
I’ve wondered why I kept yesterday’s Josh Luke Smith email but I think it fits with what I’m saying here. We need to take the time out to listen to our HEART, our BODY and our MIND so that we can “locate where we are, give ourselves all we need to be as truly ourselves as we could be in that moment” –
IN THAT MOMENT – not forever, not for tomorrow, but just for this moment when we feel what we feel, when we aren’t sure what’s going on because we are trying to push through things, push things down, push things away, push onwards and yet feel lost in and of ourselves. It only takes a moment to check in and only then can we know where we are, why we feel as we feel, accept it all and then be our true and authentic selves.
So a dog walking friend saying to me yesterday “you don’t seem yourself” made me check-in with my heart, body and mind and made me realise I miss my husband not being with me for an anniversary I didn’t realise I was that bothered about. But my heart, mind and body did.
After doing all this QEC I’m always amazed that I don’t tune in more often but being the complex creature that I am sometimes I need to hear it from another source. And God in God’s great wisdom knew exactly how to do that 🙂
Snowdrops hidden in the woods. Photographed by myself 26th Jan 2024. Spring is coming
What does Service mean? To you? To me?
In Josh Luke Smith’s latest email he says that we all want Meaning. Relationships. Service. I do agree but I think for years I got what service meant wrong. And I think I was encouraged to keep believing in the wrong either because other people had got it wrong or because it supported others.
Before meeting with God thirty+ years ago I pleased myself and I don’t think I really served others. Though I probably did. I worked in hospitality, had friends round for parties, meals, etc. But I thought I was just doing things that everyone did and that was it.
So when I met with God the church talked a lot about service and about serving God. Serving God seemed to mean doing something in church as a volunteer which for me was children or youth stuff. So I was always busy busy in church doing stuff and I would get fed up with it all and that, amongst other things, was what stopped me wanting to attend church. [Yes there are other reasons but I think this whole thing of feeling that to belong I had to be volunteering got me down]
But it wasn’t just church. Lots of places talk about serving which again seems to be doing things for nothing to further that organisation. But now I’m not so sure. And I would say as I read these daily emails I’m not the only one.
I’m not in regular paid work at the moment and will continue like that because I’m 62. That doesn’t mean I’m doing nothing though. But I have realised what I do day in day out is service. From walking my dog, looking after my home and feeding my husband, though to chatting with friends and acquaintances, to running the workshops I do, to reading books, to writing stories people may never read, to writing this blog. All these things are acts of service but, I think, because they are things I enjoy and they are not for some church or other organisation I don’t see them as service.
I am now thinking that service is actually me just being the truest me I am and allowing that to flow into the earth in the only way I can let it. So I clean up my act and get healed so my energy is purer, less polluted, less me expecting something from what I do – which I do wonder if a lot of our “serving” is actually serving our own ego! I listen to my heart, to God, to the Universe, to my gut, and only do what I am at peace with. And through that I am so much more than if I was serving for servings sake.
I believe again it comes back to that whole “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” [or as I like to see it “totally love yourself so you can then love others] and then you are serving in ways that others truly need with no agenda for yourself to be bless. But that does take some work to get to that place, some clearing away of traumas and other crap, and being fully free.
know the truth [about yourself and your motives] and the truth will set you free
Found this on many sites of internet with no source so …
I was pondering why I think January seems to last “forever”. I’ve managed to read 5 books already in amongst planning workshops, walking the dog, have a room redecorated in my house, writing some, meeting up with friends, etc. So I’ve not been idle but I’ve fitted it all in in the last 25 days! And really we were still in Christmas holiday mode for the first couple. Oh and I’ve also watched 3 Netflix series and blogged some. So why does it seem like January will never end.
As I was googling I did find this piece in the New York Times which is worth reading – The Scientific Reason Why January Last Forever – Though without sounding too pedantic I’m sure if it is really scientific it should say “feels like it lasts forever”. “Lasts forever” is a bit of a fact. January really doesn’t last forever it just feels that way.
So why do I think so?
For us as a couple we spent time during our 10 days Christmas break planning things for 2024. Not resolutions, not even what we want to achieve, but holidays and seeing people. So, including husband’s work trips, we have 5 trips on the calendar. One each for the first 5 months of the year; a trip to see my son and his wife, a holiday for in May to a place I’ve been wanting to go to for a couple of years, 2 walking/climbing trips for husband and the 1st work trip for him of the year. I’m also wanting to slide in trips to see my mum and my daughter. It is all about looking forward not being in the moment.
Even things like looking forward to the days getting longer, the weather warmer, is all not being in the moment but waiting for a better day!
There’s also the “healing of the credit card”, the Dry January, the Veganuary, and all those other things people give up after Christmas, which come with a “waiting for January to end so one can get back to drinking/eating meat/spending/etc” Again all looking forward and not being in the moment.
Added to that not everything has restarted. I didn’t restart my writing groups until the middle of January. A church group I want to join doesn’t start till February. Even with doors open for me to run workshops they are all for later in the year.
January is a dormant month but we don’t do dormant. So much in society tells us to be planning for the future that we don’t relax into hibernation mode. We are pushing, hoping, waiting, for the next thing. Perhaps if we could hunker down and allow the season to unfurl around us maybe then it would not seem like it was taking so long.
I nearly wrote “to get a move on and get over itself”. I think too often we see January as a month to endue and not to enjoy. Perhaps we need to learn how to enjoy January – and we all know when you’re enjoying something time flies past!
I’ve ponder the idea that there is a natural order to things on You Don’t Need To Do It and a bit in Trust Is The Key. And I think this is the same for repentance.
Before I met with God I did many things that were not good – out of survival, though my own wounds, through self-centeredness, fear. Probably fear was a lot of the reason. So when I had this big encounter with God – which really needs to be heard rather than read! – I wanted to dive into this whole repentance thing. I got a friend to show me all the verses in the Bible that mentioned sin so I could make sure I repented of everything. I was amazed at how many I needed to repent of one way or another.
Although this was before I found this lovely prayer in the Anglican service
we have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those things which we ought not to have done
That really does cover most of our lives!
But I thought even then, even in my zeal for meeting with God, there was a natural order of how it worked for me.
Firstly I was accepted by this group of lovely human beings who had got together to evangelise the housing estate I was living on. I was accepted [belonged] to their coffee morning before I went to their Sunday church.
Secondly I had to meet with God and realise how much God loved me unconditionally. And boy was it an amazing encounter. Only then could I start on this journey of repentance. So I had to trust God, believe in and about God and Jesus, and feel I was important to God, special. If I’d been told on that first coffee morning I ever attended that I had to repent and believe I would have high tailed it out of there.
Thirdly though I had to believe and trust that God and Jesus had forgiven me. Actually that was the easiest bit of it. The hardest was going through the journey of forgiving myself because I had done things that had hurt others a lot. But I know I did it because I trusted in Jesus and God to walk with me and leave me high and dry.
Also the whole repentance/forgiveness thing is a totally ongoing thing, which is probably the fourth part. If I believed it was a one off thing and I couldn’t keep coming back to God again and again and again and again and saying sorry and forgiving other people then, I think, I would be a disappointed person.
So daily I ask forgiveness for “those things which I ought to have done, and I have done those things which we ought not to have done” and I am truly sorry. And I forgive those who hurt and upset me whether they did it on purpose or by accident.
But I cannot do those things if God and Jesus are central part of my life, if I don’t trust them moment by moment, don’t rely on them moment by moment.
I do think that repentance and forgiveness should be much a part of our lives that we don’t need to say it but it is in our actions. It is seen when we don’t bitch about people, don’t hold a grudge, don’t worry about things, aren’t fearful, etc. As I explored a while ago, looking at how sinning is really just missing God’s mark, just missing God’s best for us. And anything for holding a grudge and saying bad stuff about people to fit in with others through to worrying and being fearful are the “sins” most of us do. Very few of us murder or steal, but too many of us don’t trust.
I believe we shouldn’t need to tell people but we should be living it day by day – which is what I felt my youth group were trying to tell me and which I shared in Trust Is The Key
Natural order – Trust that God is there for you and loves you unconditionally then repentance and forgiveness will just flow naturally. Or at least I think so.
This is a follow on from yesterday’s post on how Deborah and Jael were most powerful by being in situ and not trying to fill their day with many things. Yet this is so often what we do even as Christians.
We pray as an activity rather than as a just being. But often if we try the just being we then need to tell someone about that. Or to fill in time we read a book. It becomes another activity. We got to church. We join a club. We meet with others. We do things all the time. We rarely just sit about “wasting time”.
Like I said Jael could have been somewhere else being busy but instead I like to think she was at the entrance to her tent maybe watching the battle unfurl in the valley below. She wasn’t waiting for God to use her, which I think we can often be guilty of, but she was just being.
I have been amazed at how many fitness apps and organisational apps and books are being advertised as something to “fit into your busy life” as though being busy is the important bit. And not being busy is wasting time. When we see someone they are “what have you been up to?” and rarely ask “how are you?” And even if they do ask “how are you?” that is quickly followed by “what have you been doing?” And a young friend of mine once showed me how people ask younger people “What have you been up to?” and even “what have you done at school/college/exams are you taking/doing in your future?” and rarely ask them how they are leading to that conviction that doing nothing is not a good thing.
As you know I’ve been challenged on this recently and I decided to do some QEC around it. Turns out that, for me, and I suspect for others, I worry about what other people will think. I feel that to justify my existence I should be doing something., that I should not be wasting my time and that I should be productive. So I get busy busy busy and then don’t have time for what really matters – being me.
I am now in my 6th decade and there are those things that pull to say “time is running out” and that one should “do something with one’s life“. Now Jael was just being by her tent and because of that God could use her. She may have been young. She may have been old. But she was there. And I don’t think she was sitting there going “God use me” or even bargaining with God that if she learned how to be then God could use her.
Also I am learning if I am not busy doing then I have time to think. Not think about what I can do but just ponder life. I probably pray more as a chatting with God thing than an activity. It is a longer process. I also read a lot more which gives me more things to think about.
We live in a world, whether sacred or secular, that tells us we should be doing. And not just doing but being seen to be doing. We need to have something to tell people. But I am finding the more that I am just being the more I can listen to people because I’m not tired, not stressed, not wondering what I should be doing to fill my time. It means I have time to walk the extra round of the park to find out how someone is, time to go for coffee, time to listen to my husband, my children, my friends, to God.
I don’t know if I’ll even be expected to drive a metaphorical tent peg through someone’s head [whatever that means in 21st Century North Wales terms] but I do hope I am sitting by my tent to do whatever God wants of me if God ever does. And I also hope that if I spend the rest of my life hanging out by my tent and am never used I will also known and trust I have been in the right place.
Aspirational Adventures 