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I was reading the post from Christine Sine’s about Standing With All The Women Of The World and was at first challenged by how all of us, men and women, have happily accepted King David, from the Bible, as a murderer but very rarely referred to him as a rapist, which is what he did with Bathsheba. The young woman did not stand a chance.

Christine ends by asking

Now prayerfully consider your own response, firstly to Mary Magdalene and Bathsheba, then to women in your life. Are there misconceptions in your views of them? Are there ways in which you discriminate against women by not treating them as equals?

I know I can be guilty of not so much discriminating but of not praising other women. I am amazed by so many. My first reason for writing was to honour Christine and all the work she does with Godspace and the challenges she does.

I then thought of other women who do things but felt that this is where we can go wrong – and a direction I am trying to let go of – and I want to honour the women who just are –

• my QEC coach, who is cutting back more and more, who shows that you can trust that there will be enough by just doing what you are called to do.
• my daughter who has been an independent lady from the age of 19 when she left home for university. She’s had her ups and downs but at no point has she come back to live at home.
• my friend who felt called to leave her home here, nurse her parents until they passed away, and now is rebuilding her life up here, is supporting her son who is between jobs at the mo, but does it all without complaining, and is always there.
• another friend who walked out of a toxic relationship and has slowly been rebuilding her life
• my mum who had to put her husband into a care home because he has Parkinsons and she was big enough to say she couldn’t cope, and is now doing a major make-over on her house and being willing to pay people to do what she can’t do. She is an amazing example of knowing one’s limitations

I know there are many many more I could list who do great things, who say challenging and encouraging things, who write great/interesting/challenging/funny/all of the above on their blogs, who are just there, those who help me to be the best me I can be.

I also want to make sure that from now on I let the women in my life know how great I see them and how I couldn’t be fully me without them.

Together we are stronger!

[An aside – I’ve always struggled with David and the whole thing of him being man after God’s own heart – or is that a male intervention and not a divine thing??? – a thought for another blog maybe?? And whilst I’m on the thought – how many women have been labelled as being a woman after God’s heart???]

The month of February has been designated “Black History Month”. As my daughter said it is interesting that Black history only gets 1/13^th of the whole year. Yup with February being the shortest month of the year Black history doesn’t even get a 12^th of the year! Interesting thought.

I’ve decided I am going to dedicate an hour each afternoon when we get back from walking the dog and before I have to make tea to reading David Olusoga’s Black and British: A Forgotten History.I have only just got through the Introduction and already there is so much to make me think.

In the Intro David talks his time as a child when he first came to the UK. Yes the abuse him and his family received was horrendous but the bit that made me sit up and take note was when he talks about a girl in his class at primary school bringing in her favourite toy and how it made him feel. That toy was a golliwog. [For those who don’t know this was a black male looking toy with black tight curly hair wearing red trousers] I remember when this campaign began and I must be honest and say that I did not understand what the big deal was. To me it was doll and I did think people were being a bit over the top wanting to ban it. But then I read what David said he felt.

This is what David says “One of the worst moments of my unhappy schooling was when … we were allowed to bring in our favourite toys. The girl who innocently brought her gollywog into our classroom plunged me into a day of humiliation and pain that I still find hard to recall decades later”

Black and British: A Forgotten History by David Olusoga pxvi

Wow! What it made me think was that I am in no position to decide whether something is offensive or not. I am not in a place where I have ever been abused because of my skin colour. Yes being a woman I have had discrimination because of my sex, but never about the colour of my skin. How on earth can I decide whether something is offensive or not when it doesn’t affect me? I can’t. But too often white, middle class, comfortably off people, make decisions on what is offensive for Black, Asian and other ethnic minority groups. How do I know what it feels like to look at a caricature doll and know how someone else feels?

Paul in one of his letters to the Corinthians says basically if something offends someone don’t do it. He takes an example of the time but it can be said of anything. If that offends that person and I want to treat that person as an equally respected human being then I get rid of the offending thing no matter what I think. It is about loving and respecting the other person.

It would be lovely if Black History month didn’t have to happen and that we all spent the whole year learning about each other. Looking out for each other. Respecting each other. Doing what benefits each other. And to do this we need to truly listen and truly hear what the other person is saying and not put our preconceived ideas in place.

Perhaps next month could be called “Really Truly Listen” Month?

First published on Saint Dwynwen – Welsh Patron Saint of Lovers – 25th January – Godspacelight on Saturday 23rd January 2021

On 25^th January many people in Wales will be celebrating Saint Dwynwen’s Day. This is the time for marriage proposals and, at least pre-covid, of romantic meals out. From little independent card makers to big supermarkets St Dwynwen cards are being sold. She is the Welsh equivalent of St Valentine. But why?

The little that is known about Dwynwen is that in the 5^th century she was betrothed to a prince called Maelon, but he tried to seduce her before they were married. She cried out to God to be released from loving Maelon, which was granted, and Maelon was turned to a block of ice. Dwynwen then prayed that Maelon would be restored, she would be allowed to live a chaste life and that God would allow her to intercede on behalf of other lovers. God granted all three things. But there has been a chapel to commemorate her on the tidal island of Llanddwyn, Anglesey since around the 11^th century. In the fourteenth century a renowned poet wrote asking her to help him in love situation. By the fifteenth century so many crippled and love sick people came and left offerings for Dwynwen to intercede for them that Richard Kyffin, the rector at that time, was able to build himself a fine home and live like a noble man.

Of course with Reformation the veneration of saints was curtailed but people found other ways and by Victorian times 14^th February and St Valentine was becoming known as the time for lovers. It was in the 1960s with the rise of the fight to preserve the Welsh language and Welsh traditions that Vera Williams decided to revived St Dwynwen.

The character in the story of Dwynwen had some awesome qualities that need to be remembered. Firstly she would not marry a man who tried to manipulate or abuse her, even though he was prince. She knew he needed higher standards than just taking what he wanted when he wanted it. Are we willing to have clear boundaries and hold on to them within our relationships? And are we willing to not try to take things just because we want them?

Secondly she had the grace to forgive her abuser and release him from being frozen. I wonder if “as a block of ice” is a metaphor for being cold or hard hearted? Dwynwen prayed that he would be free to no longer be cold or hard of heart I believe. Are we willing to let go of those who’ve hurt us? Especially if we could just leave them as they are?

Thirdly it was not just that she wanted to then lead a chaste life but that she was willing to help and heal others who had been hurt by love, by relationships. It was not that she wanted everyone to be single like herself, but that she wanted them to be free to truly love with no hinderances.

It is interesting too that crippled people came to her shrine. I wonder how often we are crippled by relationships so much so that our daily walk is hindered? How often do relationships bring us to a point where we are not free to hold ourselves up right and to walk freely? I do wonder if there is a connection between hurt and abuse in relationships and being crippled bodily. We do have to remember that our minds, hearts and bodies are interlinked not separate parts. Perhaps those who came to Dwynwen’s chapel understood this and after they had made their offering and received prayer they were healed and able to walk tall and be all they were meant to be – as Dwynwen was.

I’m dealing with lockdown boredom this week. It was creeping up on me, probably due to the torrential rain we’ve been having. Or maybe because I’m starting the next module of the MA in Celtic Studies I’m doing online, and struggling with. Not struggling in the “not getting good marks” but more struggling in the “finding academic writing really boring” struggle. But it seems like I am bored because I have something to do. That doesn’t make sense. But it is something to do that doesn’t have to be done at a certain time on a certain day. I can do it as and when I want so long as I submit the assignments on time.

But I think it is something that many of us who are not working due to either, in my case, not being able to because of too many restrictions with room rentals or running workshops, or furloughed, are having to deal with. Yes there are some who have got on and wrote, found new hobbies, etc, but I suspect even they have days when they are just bored. Most of us need a bit of structure or routine and not having it wears on the soul after a while. It is not helped by going back to this rule of only being able to walk from your own home. The picture above is of a beach only 7 miles from our house. It is a huge beach and even if the car park is full and tide in there is still lots of room for people and dogs to walk, run and play, but at the moment we are not allowed to go there. And there is a possibility of incuring a £30 fine. A lot of walking somewhere a bit different for an hour!!

Yes we are really luck that we live in a beautiful part of the world and have a beach, a park, a couple of steep hills and a wood all close by. When I’m busy doing things I find that doing the same old walk every day is brilliant because I can switch off, plan my day, know how long it will take, etc. But when boredom sets in I find I need a change to liven my brain up. So how do I do that?

Well I think firstly I need to be kind to myself and accept this is how I feel at the moment. Acknowledge those feelings and name them for what they are.

Secondly I need to not compare myself with others, to not feel guilty that I’m not doing all these amazing things that I see other people doing on various social media things. Good luck to them and I’m pleased for them but I must not envy them.

Thirdly I must be careful not to just hang about with people who are also feeling bored and listless and moany. That will help my brain to just move in that direction and shape itself more and more into that lethargic way of being. But also I need to be with people who are honest about things. It is one of the reasons I love WritersHQ.co.uk because they are open about the struggles we are all having trying to be motivated as writers but also then try to give some encouragment. They are also open about the struggles they are having.

So that would then be fourth – be with likeminded people who want to move forward.

I would say there is a fifthly – which is have a place to vent and share alone whether that is journaling, talking to God, sharing with the universe, meditating – though that would have to be after venting. You can’t vent and mediate I don’t think 🙂

And then sixthly – be honest with yourself and ask “what do I need to restore my life and my faith?” And by faith that can mean many things. For me it is faith that God is here in the midst of all this with me, that God is with me even in my boredom and fedupness with the world, that God’s is on and over and with all this – in the good and the bad bits. For you this could mean something else.

Well I have just spent time putting this blog piece together and I feel better now. Not so bored. So for me I have remember that I need to write to help relieve this boredom feeling, to let go of those “have tos” that I have with the MA and housework for no reason apart from it is my house that I am keeping clean not for a 5* Airbnb reveiw, and all the many have tos that can lurk in my head.

So maybe there is a seventhly – go and do something you like doing whether it is productive or not. Just go and enjoy yourself – and maybe, as this post has done, – stretch your brain a little bit.

Also published on https://godspacelight.com/2021/01/13/st-kentigern-day/

Many preachers and scholars, C.S. Lewis amongst them, have said, “The Bible is true but not always factual” and itis similar with the tales of the Celtic Saints. Their biographies were written many years after they had died, and were to show a truth rather than to be factual accurate. As I researched St Kentigern, and read about his miracles, and journeys, I asked myself: what does this Saint Kentigern have to teach us today? 

He was born in Scotland, was said to have established Glasgow as a religious centre. The four symbols of his main miracles are on the coat of arms for Glasgow; a bird, a tree, a bell and a fish. But when persecution of Christians came to Strathclyde, he move to Wales. Even though Kentigern had been a leader of a religious community, he was content to come under St David’s leadership and learn from him. Whilst in North Wales, he set up a monastery which, according to Jocelyn of Furness, who wrote Kentigern’s biography in about 1185, he did it because he believed the scattered Welsh monks needed a place to gather for education and to support each other. When he went back to Scotland, he left it under the care of Asaph. The monastery and the subsequently town that grew up around the monastery, are called “Llanelwy” in Welsh, meaning church by the river Elwy, but are better known by their English name of St Asaph. It is only the hospice on the edge of the town, opened in 1995, which bears Kentigern’s name. He also established churches through Northern England. 

For me, the three key areas that stood out are (1) he was not constrained by nationalistic or ethnic boundaries; (2) he was not afraid to learn from others; and (3) he did not need to be recognised for his achievements. 

In the UK, we have just left the EU. Also, as one watches the TV reports on the Covid-19 pandemic, one can see how divided the principalities of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland are. In Europe and America, we see issues of politics and immigration dividing countries. And that immigrants are fleeing their countries because of ethnic and political issues. The world appears to be dividing up along stronger and stronger nationalist and ethnic boundaries. This, in turn, leads people to become more and more afraid to learn from people who are not “of their tribe”, which is as true for some Christian denominations as it is for the secular world. At least, following on from the Black Lives Matters protests, more of us are reading books written by people with lives and experiences that are diverse to our own. 

The third point I noticed was how St Kentigern did not need recognition for his achievements. I know this is something I struggle with. There are a few people that I have befriended and encouraged, who have gone on to do amazing things and have forgotten that I supported them when they were new to an area or needed a leg up. I have struggled with that but am learning to let it go by asking myself why I need that recognition. Somehow we need to all let go of the need to be recognised. I’m sure we can quote the verses about praise in heaven, etc, but can we live them?

So how do we let go of our ties to our nationalistic, political and ethnic boundaries? How do we make ourselves willing to learn from others who are different to us? And how do we let go of needing to be recognised? I think it is by letting go of fear. From the things I have read about St Kentigern and many of the other Celtic saints, is that they had a holistic faith so did not need to be bounded by identity, being known for their knowledge or their achievements. Kentigern trusted in God, talked and listened to God, and fully accepted that his reward would come in heaven. He had nothing to fear because he knew he was doing what God had called him to. His miracles all show his care for the natural world and for his fellow humans. 

To follow Kentigern’s example, we need to let go of our fears of needing others to know what we’ve done and what we know, and be content to learn from whoever God places in our path. We need to do the things God shows us we are to do but then hold them lightly and let go when told. And we need to be content and secure in who we are and our relationship with God. 

“The only thing that stands between us and the awesome energy of love [God] is fear. To live without fear, we must stop analysing it, stop agonising over it, stop fighting with it, and let it go.”

-Love is Letting Go Of Fear by Dr. Gerald G. Jampolsky 

The story of St Kentigern, as with many of the Celtic saints, shows a life lived without fear and lived out filled the awesome energy of God. This is the lesson this saint can give us today. 

This post should have gone out a couple of weeks ago but life got in the way!!

Last year I set myself the goal of reading 100 books in the year and posting them on Instagram. I have had years when I have read 100 books so I knew this wasn’t an impossible task but this would be the first year I had posted them. Well little did I know that I would not have the free choice I normally had on my reading material.

During the week of the middle of March I heard from a friend in England that their library was going to be shutting its doors that day because of the approaching pandemic. I went over the road and asked what was happening with my local library and was told that, even though they hadn’t heard anything official they suspected they would be closed by the end of the week and to just gather as many books as I could carry. So I left loaded down with about 20 books picked randomly.

By mid July the library was sort of open but to get a book one had to fill in a form and the librarians would select books on the answers you had placed on the form. My local librarians know me well so that helped but I was at their mercy as to what I read which does mean this year I have read books I would probably not normally have read.

Also with the #blacklivesmatters protests I wanted to read from my diverse authors so joined Shelters Book box #shelterbookbox. Once every 6 weeks or so I will recieve a book from a writer in a part of the world associated with Shelter International. Again this leaves me at the mercy of whoever chooses the book.

I would say my favourite books – the ones that have affected me the most – are Shuggie Bain, about poverty in 1980s Glasgow; American Dirt about a woman and her son fleeing from a drug lord in Mexico on the migration route to America; Girl, Woman, Other which about a connected collection of British black and mixed race women exploring how they dealt with underlying race in this country and how they explored their sexuality; Pull Of The Stars by Emma Donoghue set over 6 days in Dublin at the start of November 1918 with all the chaos of the Spanish Flu mixed in with the political situation there.

I’ve also explored my usual mix of dystopian fiction with the likes of Margaret Attwood; fantasy fiction with the likes of Raymond F Fiest and Conn Igguldon; historic fiction with Bernard Cornwall and Elizabeth Chadwick; and many other amazing books. I read books by black, Asian and Latino writers. I read academic ones for the Celtic MA I am studying. And ones that took me to other worlds where I could escape. I’ve read about people exploring their sexuality, their faith, their ethnicity; books that explore my own faith journey; books that have kept me awake during the night and invaded my day time thoughts and others that I have forgotten as soon as I have finished them.

I’ve learned that I love reading and definitely prefer fiction to non-fiction. I would love to be able to do all my MA learning via historical fiction books; that I prefer a good tense thriller to a romance; and that for me historical means over 100 years old. I see anything newer as current affairs 🙂

I’ve learned that I can put myself under pressure when I give myself a target and noticed that especially towards the end of the year I was reading to complete my target rather than reading for pleasure. But that also I can get distracted from reading and find myself playing on my phone when I could be reading.

I am going to do an Instagram story of this year’s reading but I have not set myself a goal. So I will still count the books as I post them but be kind to my target-driven self.

I have been chewing over this blog for a few days now and each time I go beyond a paragraph it becomes either a rant or way too personal but last night, as I led down to sleep, it all fell into place.

I believe too often we heal the surface but do not clean out what is causing the wound. I think of friends who have gone to the doctor’s or even to hospitals and have got medicines, had operations, taken antibiotics etc, Yet if one googles the NHS diagnosis will say “caused by stress or anxiety”. But very rarely does anyone take time to find out what is causing the stress or the anxiety, or if they do then it is again treated superficially rather than getting to the heart of it. But that is because getting to the heart of something is hard work and painful.

The piece that brought this blog to a place I felt I could share with others was when I read the introduction to David Olusoga’s “Black and British: A Forgotten History”. He recounts of how when he was a young teen, himself, his mother, two sisters, a younger brother and his grandmother, were driven from their home by repeated nightly attacks where the perpetrator would throw bricks through their windows and of how over time all they had was boarded up plywood where the windows should have been. He recounts the terror they felt along with the sleepless nights and the well meaning, but misguided advise of a teacher. Eventually the family were moved to temporary accommodation but when he crept back into the estate he saw a swastika and the words “NF Won Here” daubed across the plywood windows. How do we delve into that pain, that fear, that helplessness, that terror of David’s family and too many other families like his? Changes of law are surface things. There needs to be real listening and real hearing and real learning.

As I pondered this I got to wondering why would someone want to abuse a family like this? What fears and anxieties were they harbour? Are we willing to talk to the perpetrator as well as the victim? But also there is another group in this tale – those who kept quiet and said nothing. Those who lived in the same street, the same neighbourhood, went to the same school, and who would have been friendly to the family and yet did not step in and help. Is it like the school playground where, once one person is being bullied, the rest can relax because it isn’t them? How do we look at the wounding within all these groups without getting judgemental?

Well the obvious answer is Jesus and that I would not deny. But I do wonder how often we are holding similar fears, similar needs to be top dog, to turn the other way, to keep our heads down and just do our stuff within the deep psyche of our churches? I think of the story of the Good Samaritan where good and godly men walked on by, not because they were bad but because they were afraid or relieved that it wasn’t them. Again these are wounds that need to be healed but often get overlooked. We do like the simplicity of good guys/bad guys even though each of us is more complex than that if we real look within ourselves.

I’ve a friend who said her family are praying about the lawlessness of this country and the churches need to have more of Jesus in them but as they have really engaged with praying they have realised that they need to deal with their lawlessness within themselves and their deep need of more Jesus. Too often we point the finger outwards and don’t look at ourselves.

So we know God wants to heal us, as Christine Sine reminded us in her blog on Monday, but do we want to lay ourselves bare and let God heal us? Do we want to let go of the boundaries we have build around ourselves to keep us safe that we have built so long ago that we don’t know they are there? I believe every time we can turn aside when someone is suffering, or make sure we keep our own group safe then we have ignored the walls that we have build. But can we really be ready to stand up for the victim when they are being bullied and abused? Can we also be willing to love the perpetrator and find out why they do as they do? We can if we are willing to pray more, to heal our own deep wounds and stop being afraid of what might become of us.

Things like the basics we are doing at the moment to deal with covid-19 – wear masks, don’t gather in groups, keep 2m distance, sanitize – are great starting points, as are regular healthcheck ups, eating well, exercise, etc, – are all great. As are changes to the law regarding racial, gender and other issues where there has been discrimination. But these are only a first step. We need to change our hearts. That is something we can only do if we spend time really looking at our wounds and really wanting to clean them out.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence

and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and make me willing to obey you.

As Psalm 51:10-12 says – it’s got to start with me not them!