Month: August 2023

Categories
success writing

Coal Penguin

Today is a bit of a change to my usual blogging.

I was reading a piece and in it it said how we should share our achievements, which is something I think, especially as Brits, we are reluctant to do.

Most of have been brought up not to boast, to be careful we aren’t too proud [“too” like “enough” is one of those non-quantifiable words], “pride comes before a fall”, “no one will like you if they think you’re a smart arse”, add in your own phrases that have held you back in sharing your own achievements.

I don’t think writers are plagued by the imposter monster any more than many people and professions out there. We just write about it more 🙂

Generally I slide my writing on to my “My Writing” page on this site, hoping or fearing, that someone will come across them. But, today in the spirit of “sharing my successes” I have decided to share it here.

Arabel, an art student, sent out a group email to various writers asking if they would like to write something about one of the pieces of carved coal she was using in her degree show. I think she was very brave because even without knowing what she was getting, once each of us writers said we wanted to do a piece about a certain piece of coal she marked it as “taken” without even knowing what would be written. All the pieces are at a high standard but it was still a brave move I felt. She also offered payment.

I think this piece inspired by a penguin carved from coal entitled The Parent We All With For But Often Fail To Be could be the first time I’ve been paid to actually write a piece. Yes I have won competitions and just received complimentary book/booklets for the win, and of course have published my own books – “The Little Yellow Boat” and, my self-published poetry book, “Inspirations From Walking In North Wales“, but to be paid for a 200 word piece is something I feel should not go unnoticed.

Although to be honest, I have found this post very hard to write and it has taken a few days to get it together. Sharing one’s successes is not the easiest thing to do.

Categories
not in a box questioning

A Questioning Faith

Taken from https://www.space.com/james-webb-space-telescope-question-mark-galaxy-photo on 27th August 2023

In The Colour Green I was saying how I was remembering my early days of being a Christian, 30+ years ago, and how I have always had a questioning faith. I thought this photo from the James Webb space telescope was a good opening.

Actually space is a great place to go for a questioning faith. As is the deep ocean. Both are full of mysteries we cannot fathom. Much like the colour green and all its different hues.

It makes me wonder why people have tried so hard over the centuries to put Christianity, and even many other faiths, into a closed container. Where is the mystery in that?

If God can fit into a box I am capable of making then I’m not interested. I want to lean on, worship, and trust, a being that is beyond my understanding, that is mysterious, unfathomable, uncontainable. This means I have to look at what I know about God and find out more. Each time God fits into a box I want more and more and more.

I think its why I do love being by the sea or up a small mountain [climbing a big mountain is a bit beyond me!!] because it is always changing, always showing me something I haven’t seen before – if I choose to look.

I find church tries to contain God, tries to make God a him, a being we can tell people and a tangible way. I think that’s why I struggle to go. With the youth group I co-run I am always trying to get them to push their boundaries and understanding, always to question what they think they know.

One of my big hopes, as I explore all these different online people looking at “deconstructing their faith”, is that they don’t then just find a different box to put God in. But instead let God loose so when people ask us why we follow God we don’t give some glib answer that we feel we ought to say, but, as I said to a friend recently – I don’t know why things I don’t like happen, bad things, deaths, suicides, wars, sickness, but I do know that through it all I can lean on God who loves me unconditionally. They might not stop these things from happening to and around me but they are there to hold me, to love me, and for me to rail at. And bit by bit I am learning to trust and be and just stay at peace when the storms do crash around me.

Though as we know from my post from 13th August I would prefer these storms to happen on dry land and NOT when I am in a boat!!!

I’d like to finish with a Chris Tomlinson song that sums up God for me and why I hang in there.

Categories
freedom Rich Mullins

And The Colour Green

I realised the other day, after reading a book about walking mindfully, that this is what I do most mornings. Yes it is a mix of pondering the day a head, chatting with other dog walkers, etc but also I am aware of God, nature, the Universe. And the words from Rich Mullins The Color Green always come into my head. I think it just says the amazingness of God and the complexity of the colour green. The above pictures of of various beautiful places in and around where I live and to me it is always the amazingness of the different greens. And God made all of them. Then it opens up to me how different we all are and how amazingly we are all made and how diverse. But also how if we show our true depth of God colours without our traumas, hurts, fears and needing to protect ourselves, how beautifully we would all look together, like the different colours green.

I decided google the song so I could listen to it again – as I seem to be listening to music again after a period of silence whilst I worked, played, etc. Listening to the song took me back to my early days of following Jesus – starting in 1992 and onwards. I had always been into music and used to organise venues for up and coming bands in my area so once I got into Jesus and God someone pointed me towards contemporary Christian music and Cross Rhythms.

Amazing how one song could lead to so many memories. I wonder if you are as old as me and if you know this song. If so I wonder where it takes you as you listen. What other songs do this for you?

Rich Mullins was an amazing influence in my Christian life. He challenged ideas that my small town, small charismatic church were teaching me. He was evangelistic, converted to Catholicism, worked with Native Americans, but then also was killed in a car accident because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

From him and many others that I came across via Cross Rhythms and others in the contemporary Christian circles I have also been challenging the things I am taught not just from the church pulpit, but within the books I read – both those that identify as Christian and those that don’t, the music I listen to, the conversations I hear around me, and even this relatively new concept of deconstruction one’s Christian faith. I’m not sure I’ve ever had one set in stone to deconstruct thanks to those like Rich Mullins, Cross Rhythms, Greenbelt and others. And that makes me so glad.

Categories
Spoiling words

Its not the words but how you interpret them

Happy spoilt dog at Newborough beach, Anglesey, August 2023 photographed by myself

We have diverse TV habits but from them it is interesting what God can say to my husband and I.

We were watching Scandi crime drama, Beck, which used the overused story line of the white girl being bad because her parents were fundamental Christians who used the bible verse “spared the rod and spoil the child” [a misquote of Proverbs 13:24] as their disciplining of their strong willed child. As always with these story lines it involved the child being punished severely. Though I think many of us have been brought up this way. Not necessarily physical beatings but lots of emotional withdrawals if we did not behave. In fact I notice myself saying to some of the children I work with “if you don’t do x [behave as I would like] you won’t get x [something you like]” as a way of encouraging what we, as adults, have decided is acceptable behaviour. It isn’t as extreme as in the Beck story line but it does work along the lines of not spoiling the children – as if spoiling is a wrong thing.

We also were watching “Dogs behaving [very] badly” and noticed that the dog behaviouralist encourages the dogs to be calmer and more fun to be around via a series of treats until those treats are not needed. Spoiling the dogs??? Maybe!

But here’s the thing – what if we’ve put the wrong emphasis on the wording. So the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” has more often than not been used, as in the episode of Beck, to say that one must reprimand challenging behaviour in our children, often leading to a spank [illegal now in Wales] or some other form of discipline, and if the parent does not discipline their child properly then their child will grow up spoilt and being spoilt is not a good thing.

But what if it means that a parent should “spare”, as in not use a form of discipline, but instead spoil their child with love and attention, of understanding and care. Not material things but time, understanding, being there for them, accepting them as they are, loving them unconditionally.

The last paragraph sounds more like how a God of love would be to their children than one who grinds their children into submission and compliance.

As with the dog behaviouralist man, he takes dogs that are so unruly their owners are thinking of getting rid of them, and via love, understanding, lots of treats, and never any smacking or punishing, takes these dogs and turns them around to be wonderfully content, loved, well-behaved dogs. Spoiling the dogs does not make them selfish, greedy, needy. They were those things beforehand. Spoiling the dogs makes them feel more loved, more secure, more wanting to be pet dogs.

With many things I think we need to be aware of how we put written words together and the emphasis we place on them, whether this is the Bible, emails, books, text messages, etc.

I just wonder how different all of us would be if we were “spared the rod” [as in not punished] but were spoilt a bit. Not just as people in and of ourselves but I do wonder how differently we would be towards God if we knew that God always spared us from punishment and just wanted to spoil us.

Categories
Perfect day Philippians 4:8

Perfect Day

Photos taken at Newborough Beach and Plas Newydd August 2023 by myself

What is your perfect day?

Well I would have said on Thursday that that was my perfect day – beach, icecream, no agenda. But then on Friday I got my sheets dried in the sunshine; perfect day. Then Saturday a great morning workshop followed by a great movie in the evening. But then Sunday we had a lovely walk on a new bit of coastal path. New for us at least. All great. All with a bit of perfect but also probably a bit of not so perfect.

I got to wondering if a perfect day is actually a state of mind. Since starting part time paid work have I started to see that as a chore and the other things as nearer to perfect? I wonder how things would change at work if I started to pick out the perfect things there.

In the Bible it says

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

I wonder how often I, and maybe you too, put certain things into the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable box and some into the not lovely, not right, not pure, not admirable box when actually it is a judgement call. Yes not all things are pure, true, noble, right, lovely admirable, but actually the paid work I do is all those things but it can be seen as a chore. And going off for a walk, getting sun-dried sheets, having no agenda, etc because they are more enjoyable can fit the Phil 4:8 criteria.

I am not saying we go all pollyannaish and think everything is awesome and I do think we need to stop following a lot of the things on the media, but I do think we need to start looking at the lovely within our ordinary lives, within our work lives, within our relationships, within our hard slog of things.

For me the first full paragraph is a list of things that help to settle me and ground me. For me that’s what makes them perfect. But my QEC counselor says that in every situation we should keep our Autonomic Nervous System in balance and regulation – which involves remembering to do that, breathing slowly, of being grateful and forgiving ourselves and others. This doesn’t make the difficult situation at work go away but it does ground us to be able to deal with it effectively and calmly.

So even though I have loved the last few days with their fill of perfect things in them tomorrow when I do my shift at work I will try to look to those things that are good, true, noble, pure, admirable, noble, etc and keep my ANS in balance and regulation, remember that I am human, that those I work with and live with are human and forgive. Maybe then my perfect day will be every day of the week no matter what goes on in it???

Categories
faith Jesus

Jesus Walks On Water

Storm hits the beach – Dec 2021 – photographed by myself

Today the Bible reading in many churches is Matthew 14: 22-33 where Jesus walks on the water. This post is inspired by Lily Lewin’s Freerange Friday post on Godspacelight.com called Walking On Water

Lily’s Freerange Friday posts more often than not encourage imagining oneself there. So whilst I was out walking the dog today I thought about how I would have felt if I was one of Jesus’ disciples on that boat.

Remember not all of them were seamen. We always think of the fishermen and the “go and be fishers of men” line but we do forget that two thirds of the core group were not fishermen.

Now it is as standing joke in my family that I don’t like being too close to the water. These are just two of the many tales I could share! When I was 17 my first proper boyfriend took me for a romantic punt on the River Avon. We did the whole dressing up, had the picnic, we even got the tranquil sunny weather. I was in the boat for less than 5 minutes and I was screaming “take me back. I hate this“. End of romantic day out! One holiday my husband really wanted to go to see the puffins off the Northumbria coast. Out and back and round was a total of an hour on the boat. He’d check it was dog friendly so it was no excuse. Well I was terrified and I’m sure the man driving the boat deliberately hit the waves so we bounced more than we had to. I do have to say that it was worth while though. Puffins are awesome! But I was nearly crying and holding anyone who was close enough the whole way out and back.

So there I am one of Jesus’ disciples. We’ve had a busy day of healing and feeding and crowd control and just need a break. Jesus tells us all to get on the boat. Now I know weather if not the water and can see clouds gathering. So I suggest to Jesus that I’ll just stay behind with him. He’s already said he’s going to pray. I say that I’ll leave him be, explain that like him I need some time out. I need to introvert for a bit. I don’t think it would be good for my mental health to be on a boat with the others. It won’t help me refocus, get grounded. Also the place needs a bit of a tidy up and I’m more than happy to do that. But no Jesus insists and well … he is the rabbi and I am honoured to have been chosen by him so I reluctantly agree.

Well we all know what happens next. The sea starts to swell. The boat starts to rock. It is scary for the sailors, the fishermen. Imagine what it is like for those of us who don’t sail and are terrified of being “too close to the water”. I know I would be so cross this Jesus. This was his idea. He didn’t even come and here I am terrified. Even on that little boat to see the puffins I was sure I was going to die. So I’m imaging being on a smallish fishing boat in the big lake, big enough to be called a sea. And Jesus sent me there.

Along he comes. The storm calms. Peter does his bit of walking on the water. And so all is fine and dandy? Not for me. I’m cross with Jesus for showing up after I’m scared and have made a bit of a fool of myself. Also I don’t get out the boat because I know if I realised I could walk on water I would have just kept on walking back to the shore and not looked back.

This got me thinking – how often have any of us felt like God/Jesus has sent us somewhere and we don’t think they are coming with us. We cannot see or feel a physical presence. How do we feel? Also, and this maybe just me, do we do something stupid because we feel scared and alone and then Jesus comes to us after we’ve done the stupid thing? Are there times when we’ve felt like we’ve stepped out and even Jesus isn’t watching our backs/taking care of the storm around us? Have we ever felt like just getting out and walking away even when Jesus turns up?

I do wonder if too often we’ve allowed this story to be filled with passive characters and not allowed the disciples to be three dimensional, have not allowed them to be fully human. I wonder too if we’ve not let ourselves fully feel how we would have been in this situation. Ok so we know the end of that part of the story – the resurrection, God’s omnipresence, the infilling of the Holy Spirit – so we can react differently. But too often we don’t know the end of our stories or even what is happening in the next part.

I think it is ok to be scared, to be angry with God, to want to walk out and not come back. All those are real emotions. The brave thing is to stay; to stay with God, to forgive Jesus, to learn and grow in faith.

The question isn’t would we have stayed in the boat like the majority of the disciples or got out like Peter, I think the question is would we have obeyed Jesus and got in the boat in the first place even if we were terrified of boats and could see a storm coming?

Categories
being me space

My Space

Newborough beach, Anglesey, One of my special spaces with Renly, one of my special companions

Boundaries, another theme I keep returning to, but my ideas about it keep changing.

I felt I had to share what came to me the other day, almost a follow on from my post back in February 2022, No More Boundaries where I was sort of exploring what I meant by not having boundaries and of being in alignment. Now I think I’ve moved to a deeper place.

I was in the car the other day contemplating a conversation with a friend. I’d had some really busy people filled days and felt thI needed a long walk on a deserted beach. It was wild and windy and I just wanted to reconnect. I also planned to take myself for a coffee after. Just me and my dog. Then this friend, who I hadn’t seen for a while, messaged and ask if I was free to come to the park with her in about 10 mins. I calmly replied that I was going to the beach on my own to recover from my frantic day the day previous.

What struck me on the way home in the car, hair windswept and feeling more myself, was that it isn’t about boundaries or about being aligned to the universe but it is about knowing and honouring my space. With all the healing that has gone on I am in a place to know my space, know my needs, feel comfortable within my own space. I know at one time I would have cancelled my plans and gone with my friend because I wanted to please her but also because my space would not have been important enough for me.

In church there is often talk about “doing what Jesus would do” which always seems to be busy doing something – praying for others, feeding others, being there for others, etc. All of which are good things and yes Jesus did all those things. But another thing that Jesus did was to go away on his own, to be comfortable in his own space, to honour his own space.

Often we are told that he was praying that whole time, with prayer made out to be a doing thing. I do wonder if what those early gospel writers meant was that Jesus just hung out with God, that they were just being together – no asking what he should do, no being reassure about anything, but just being together as I suppose I was with God alone on that windswept beach.

I don’t think we do enough of being in our own space. We have the TV on, our phones close at hand, on Facetime to friends, etc. Even things like having good devotionals books, educational books, etc, things that are good for our brains, though great in keeping us forward thinking and challenged, can stop us being in our own space. We are all, or at least most of us, the ones stopping ourselves from being alone with ourselves, our thoughts, our God, and just allowing our own space to revive and restore us.

I know I’m not that good at it so I book in times for me to be on my own [maybe Jesus scheduled these in too?] and I walk. I have my phone turned off. Yes I do take it with me because I do like taking photographs but make sure I check nothing else other than maybe the time. I find if I walk it takes away that distraction of things that are good – answering emails, journaling, reading, playing solitaire, writing, playing word games, messaging my children. All of which [well maybe not solitaire and the word games] are good things, but all of which stop me being alone with my own thoughts. Stop me being alone with the God of the Universe.

The more I get content with my own space the more I will say no to things and I suspect the more I’ll know where I’m going in my one wild and precious life.

Categories
forgiveness magic

The Magic Of Forgiveness

Even though this is a beautiful landscape, when one reads the tales of a large part of not just North Wales, the UK, but the whole world, there are stories of fighting which come about due to lack of forgiveness.

I have written a few posts about forgiveness on and off, especially connected around my explorations of The Lord’s Prayer, but one thing that struck me recently is “the magic of forgiveness.”

What do I mean by that?

Well we get taught a lot about how forgiveness is important as it stops us having to hold on to the other person’s wrongs, how it helps us to see clearly, but I have noticed too that it clears the air.

Often those we have to forgive most of all are those who are closest to us – partners, children, parents, other family members, close friends – because they touch our buttons most often. But what I’ve noticed is if I can feel myself getting wound up by someone, whether friend or family, if I go straight into forgiveness mode then the atmosphere lightens, generally we can chat openly about what needs to be talked about, and even if we still disagree we are together in a lighter place. If on the other hand if I decide that I am angry with that person, that they don’t deserve to have my forgiveness then actually I finish up being grouchy, the atmosphere is heavy and the other person is more obnoxious, angry, and in fighting mode.

An example is of a job I acquired as if by magic. Things were taking a while to come together and it looked, to me, as though people were deliberately trying to curtail it so I was niggled by them. Then I believe God spoke to me and told me I was being pedantic and needed to forgive. So I did. Well an amazing thing happened. Within in a day or so I got an email which basically told me the job was mine. Magic! All those barriers that they had been saying needed to be dealt with suddenly vanished. I do now believe it was me standing in the way and once I got down of my high horse and forgave then God could move things along.

So when I feel myself not wanting to forgive I just ask myself if I want to see Forgiveness work its magic. And if I’m honest there are some days when I think “yes I do” and other days when I think “no I can’t be bothered.” But hopefully as I grow more in trusting the Creator of the Universe with things rather than thinking I know best I will be able to work more of that Forgiveness Magic.