Tag: people pleasing

Categories
peace solitude

Content With Solitude

This is where I was sat when these thought came to me. I’m going to try to work out how to get them onto photos but just wanted to share them today

Also want to link this to blog from Deepak – Choosing Happiness in all the Wrong Places because I think we are saying similar things with different words.

Solitude – a place where you can sit with the chattering monkey thoughts and let them slowly settle to the river bottom; where you can stay in that place of peace and wait to see what rises again to the surface

Diane Woodrow – June 2025

Being alone doesn’t mean that all that random “monkey chatter” isn’t there. You don’t feel instantly serene and at peace with yourself and the world. But, I believe, if you don’t sit alone for long enough and allow those monkey thoughts to settle, then wait and allow what God/The Universe wants you to consider at that moment, you will never reach peace with yourself.

So to me when I sat by the sea, just me and my dog, I let the thoughts that were bubbling in me about various things rise to the surface then fall to the depths. I didn’t try to pick any out to think of but waited to see what rose up. I then gained some interesting insights into myself and why things unfold as they do and also about a project that looked like it was failing but was going the wrong way. But I had to sit without an agenda, without people pleasing, and trusting to listen to my heart.

Solitude is a place where you can be fully in love and fully trusting in yourself and just being

Dollar Glen, Scotland – June 2025 – photographed by myself

Solitude is glorious when you can see and know yourself in all that you are – your strengths and weaknesses, hurts and joys, mistakes and triumphs – and know that you like and love yourself just as you are at this moment in time.

Solitude isn’t a place of loneliness. Loneliness can happen in a crowd, especially when you are trying to be someone you are not, when you are trying to please others, when you are afraid to reveal who you really are, when you don’t feel like you fit in.

Solitude is a place of calm, of peace, of being, of knowing who you fully are, of knowing what you fully want to do.

Solitude, I believe, is something you can take into a crowd and enjoy who are you with because you are being fully you with no agenda for yourself or for those you are with. Things don’t have to go a certain way because you are calm within yourself for all that time of being alone.

But this can only come about if you are willing to take time out from the noise and hassle of the life we lead, can let go of those monkey chattering thoughts and listen to your heart.

Solitude can be glimpsed through a porthole. Lady’s Tower, Elie, East Neuk, Fife. Photographed by myself June 2025

Categories
Seasons spirituality

Seasonal Spirituality

Posted on https://godspacelight.com/2023/07/26/52309/ This morning – 26th July 2023




[Photograph is of my friend, Tessa, who loved life. This was taken by myself 3 months before she died. The UK November weather decided to seasonally sunny so she could enjoy her last trip to the seaside]

In the UK we love a good moan about “seasons”. We bemoan the summer when it gets too hot, too wet, too windy, too cold. We bemoan the winter when it doesn’t get enough snow, too much snow, rain, wind. You get the picture. We Brits love a good natter about the weather and how it isn’t doing what it’s meant to be doing for the time of year. I think the only time there was joy rather than whinging was the spring of 2020 when we went into lockdown and the weather was warm and dry so we were able to get out in our gardens, go for the allotted walks we had permission to do, and in rural areas maybe extend those walks.

I wonder too if we moan about “seasonal spirituality” – as in Christmas is too busy and comes round too soon, the “Church” doesn’t do Easter like it used to, in X denomination they don’t do X-season as well as Y church that we don’t attended because …..

But what does season spirituality really mean? Or at least what does it mean to me?

At the moment I’m not regularly attending a congregation and my husband has had to accept that this is the season I am in. But I do co-run a Christian youth group; although that has not taken place since May due to the majority of our young people being busy. We only have 5 young people so if 3 of them are busy and others don’t want to come because their friends aren’t coming then it doesn’t happen. Myself and my co-leader have to accept this is the season our group is in.

For me seasonal spirituality means not just going with the seasons of the land – spring, summer, autumn, winter – but going with the seasons of my heart, of what I believe God is saying to me, of what I have the energy to do. It is trusting that inner voice, checking that it isn’t just me being obtuse [as in with the not going to church] or people pleasing [as in with the going to church/getting involved with church based activities], and checking in with God to really know what God wants of me in this season of my life.

Talking of seasons, I am now in my early 60s and so I look at life differently to what I did in my early 40s even, and definitely differently to how I looked at life in my early 20s. I need to explore this new season of my life not just rush boldly forward doing whatever. And I think that is the same with spirituality – we often don’t pause, take time out to feel that change of season, but rush forward either doing the same old same old or often getting busier and busier.

Life changed in 2020. There were a lot of prophecies about “perfect vision” and I still believe lockdown, Brexit here in the UK, mass migrations, climate change, the war in Ukraine, and other things are part of the reviewing of the world. And I think we need to pause, to look, to really see what God is really seeing.

Jesus talks about “those who have ears let them hear” and about people being “always seeing but never perceiving” and yet if we don’t take time out to see what the spirituality season is that we are in then we will not hear God’s voice, will not see what God is doing, will not perceive our role in this.

So are we willing to take some time to contemplate what season we are in? To not grumble that it is too busy/quiet/fast/slow/wet/dry/revival/not/etc? And will we just wait until we can really hear what God is doing, really perceive what God is doing and really know our part in all of this. And maybe it is as Christine said the other day our work is loving the world just as it is. How about giving that a go for a while?

Categories
Advkce criticism

Advice/Criticism

Llyn Idwal approach photographed by myself July 2023. Not related to the post really but just a beautiful waterfall in North Wales

I submit to nycmidnight.com competitions regularly. They aren’t cheap to enter but each piece of work submitted is critiqued by three different people whether you get placed in the competition or not. But much as I loved doing this and would read the critiquing very rarely did I do anything with it until this time.

Here is the piece in the origin and then with my revisions. It’s never too late for revenge. Maybe it was because I was a runner up this time I did something with it.

Anyway this got me thinking about life etc. How often do we put ourselves out there to ask for advise, for support, for how to do something better, and then don’t do something with it? Even if we get unsolicited advice how often do we ignore that? I was even pondering on the times we’ve gone for paid counseling, paid life coaching, paid gym membership, etc, etc and then ignore the instructions, directions, suggestions. It may not be for you but it is definitely loads and loads for me.

Why?

Well with the writing I know it was because it takes time. It means going back and redoing rather than just producing more writing. A new project is more fun than looking over an old project and finding what could be improved.

I have to say with myself the more I’ve done work with QEC the more I’ve been able to listen to others, to not get hurt when I hear advise that I am not sure I like. I was chatting with my QEC practitioner about this and she thought it was that as we deal with the issues from our childhood that it is easier to listen to others and weigh up what we need to change, need to alter, need to think about, whereas with all those layers of childhood survival techniques in place we could fully hear/feel/know. As opposed to either thinking we should do all that we are told or nothing.

I’ve had an incident at work where I know that my old gut reaction would one of the following; to leave because why should I stay if they don’t value me; be super super nice and people pleasing so they wouldn’t sack me; spend loads of time feeling awful that I did that and beating myself up about it; and maybe even thinking “how dare they speak to me when I am older than they are?”. Instead I listened to what my manager said, saw my errors, said sorry, we were also able to talk about how it wasn’t totally my fault and that there were things needed ironing out in this area. Together we have been able to put together a plan that works for who I am and the situation. I feel fine about going to work and have not spent the weekend stressing about it. In fact it has only come back into my mind when I was thinking through how I could share my flash fiction writing within a blog.

I’ve been able to listen clearly because a lot of the rubbish that I didn’t even know was there has been cleared away. Maybe though it is also why I was able to read the comments about my flash fiction and see which ones I wanted to take and which ones I did not find helpful. I was even able to put this in the feedback NYCMidnight asked for about the comments.

So I think it is not that we don’t want to take the advice given, or feel we have to do everything we were told. We do but we have so many issues from our past that cause our nervous system to kick in that we don’t fully hear. So my advise to myself is to think about why I get uptight when someone gives me advice, whether unsolicited or asked for, really listen to my heart [that again], see what has made me either fight, flight, fawn or freeze, and get rid of that bug in my system.

Then I can change what I really know needs changing but also not get hurt is someone has misread me totally and doesn’t “see who I truly am”. [That feels like a title for another blog piece soon 🙂

Categories
hamster people pleasing

People Pleasing

From http://www.clker.com/clipart-495807.html

On a recent QEC session we got talking about how people pleasing can be like being a hamster on a hamster wheel. If only I could draw because “a picture paints a thousand words” but “words are all I have”.

So I want you to picture three hamster wheels – you’re the one in the middle and on either side are those you are trying to please. You’re all running as fast as you can. You keep getting carrots but instead of eating them you keep giving those carrots to the hamsters either side of you because you want to please them. Your deepest wish is for them to be happy, to be content, to calm down, etc. And you have been brought up that to be a “good hamster” you make sure everyone else is alright. But the thing is a hamster doesn’t eat the food it is given but stores it in its pouches. So even though you are being a good hamster and trying to keep the hamsters beside you happy they aren’t getting fed because they are storing it in their pouches.

Too often we think we should do everything for others, should be the one pleasing them all the time, should be the ones putting everything right, but we lose sight of ourselves. Like the little hamster in the middle we get thinner and thinner whilst those we are trying to please just get fat pouches but are still not happy.

Because I am a follower of Jesus I often try and think about what the Bible says about things. So Jesus says “love your neighbour as yourself,” which even for someone who doesn’t believe in God it is a good way to be. This is what the little hamster in the middle is trying to do. The little hamster is doing what all good sermons tell them to do, putting others first.

BUT WAIT

This isn’t what that verse says. It needs to be looked at in more details. And if the Bible is read as a whole and not as soundbite then it does go on to explain further.

Someone once asked Jesus who his neighbour was and Jesus tells the famous story of the Good Samaritan [Luke 10:25-37] If you don’t know it then go and read it.

Now in this when the Samaritan does rescue the man he does basic first aid but then takes him to a man who can do more. The Samaritan does not lecture the man and tell him he was daft to be on the road alone, he does not give him extra money to be able to get home, he does not give him what he has lost. The Samaritan takes him to the inn then offers to pay for all expenses for him, then goes on his way. The Samaritan did not throw money at him, he did not set him up in business again, he doesn’t even go and tell his family the man is gong to be a bit late getting home. Nope! The Samaritan does what needs to be done to a man who is danger and needs help. All the other things – like rebuilding what he has lost, of being more sensible in future, of thinking for himself – is left for the man to sort out when he is well again.

I often wonder if, as well as fearing being “unclean”, the two ‘church’ people were afraid that they would not know when to stop giving. And I think we have all been taught how to give but very rarely have we been taught how to stop.

So back to the hamster analogy – you, the little hamster needs to get your needs met, needs to know what you need. And that might just be getting off the hamster wheel for a bit and finding out what your needs actually are. And also maybe letting those you think you are meant to be pleasing look after themselves for a bit.

It might surprise you, little hamster, to know that those you think you should be pleasing will actually be ok if you stop feeding what you think are their needs all the time.