Whilst not having any internet last week I did some therapeutic writing about what I was missing having moved. From it came not that I was missing anything major but that I was missing the trivial and the familiar. I was missing knowing the names of dogs when I was out walking, knowing where to buy certain things, being able to recognise someone from a distance by the way they walked or what they were wearing. I missed knowing where to buy the things to make up my home-made muesli, or where to get an organic veg box, where to get biodegradable dog poo bags, and even where to buy a hat stand. All these things I would have known where to go and what to get but here its all new. I did also miss not having the car just outside. At the moment as it is our only car Ian is taking it to work as he finds that less stressful than going by public transport, and it’s an easy drive whereas the public transport is harder. Mind you not that I would have gone anywhere in the car because I didn’t know where to go, where to park once I got there and all that sort of stuff.
Since writing the piece my daughter came to visit, which made me happy as I hadn’t seen
her since 1st January. Then we got the internet and so I’ve been able to google and get an organic veg box delivered, find that we have health food shop in Abergele which I have just visited. It isn’t as extensive as the one where I was but I’m sure I can make it mine after a while, but it did have the basics I needed. I went to my butcher, who I have been cultivating since arriving, and as well as being able to get the chicken wings for the dog he also had rabbit. Now I can’t remember how much is was in the local farm shop near where we were but I know it wasn’t cheap. Here it was £5 a pound and the butcher could tell me who’d shot it too if I wanted to know. The familiar is coming together.
Also this morning I got coerced into going to a prayer meeting for my lovely Interweave friend. Yes I did sort of want to go but again that lack of the familiar was making me feel shy and a bit scared. Well God was doing the coercing. Firstly a lovely lady phoned me up and said she would meet me on the bus as she got on a stop or two before me. I agreed but was going to chicken out when another lady knocked on my door yesterday and said she would be round to mine at just after 10am to pick me up and take me. It wasn’t so much pressured as God making sure I was going to go. Well I went as I had no choice and the funny thing is that the familiar is in prayer meetings. Everyone wants to hear from God and pray for the person. It was a well set out one too. I loved it and I remembered that actually I am an intercessor. I like to pray. And I’m a bit good at it 🙂 The lady who had given me a lift was going on elsewhere but the other lady was going to show me how to get
back on the bus but first of all we went for lunch because she was going on elsewhere. So she took me to a lovely cheap little cafe that does great snacks but also has a great second hand furniture store incorporated in it. There was some lovely stuff there and I will definitely drag Ian along on the weekend 🙂 So she introduced me to the familiar.
When moving somewhere new, even if it is the right thing and feels like home there are still so many things to have to sort out, so many things to miss. Sometimes you just need a friendly had to guide you, point you in the right direction, be a bit firm about things. Goodness we have only had the keys for this house 3 weeks on Friday and have only been living here for 2 weeks and 2 days. It all takes time, but knowing where to get certain items makes me feel much more comfortable and settled.
Yesterday whilst we were walking on the beach and looking at the mountains in the February sunshine we got a call to say that our house sale had completed then a hour or so later a call to say that our house purchase had been completed.
the journey to here too; the things we’ve walked through in the last few years which almost drove our marriage apart. I wonder why it didn’t? Both my husband and I have been in relationships that have ended in divorce without going through any of the traumas we went through. I wonder what we’ve had? Maybe it is that deep inside both of us there is this shared dream – of the sea and mountains – that has held us together? Who will know what it is that holds some people together and drags some people apart. But all I do know is that I couldn’t be where I am now without him. And it’s not just that he has the money. It’s much more than that. Standing with my slightly hard-work-at-times husband has meant that I could achieve much more than standing alone. There was a point when we got in the car on 10 days earlier to travel to Wales into temporary accommodation without either our house sale completed and being told the other house was nowhere near ready that I panicked. If it hadn’t been for Ian I would have jumped out the car and gone back to bed, but he held there in strength and kept it going.
When we got married my father-in-law had a picture for us, of us sawing a huge log with one of those 2 people saws, and he said that the way things worked best in a marriage was when each person did their bit and took their turn in pulling the saw through the wood when it was the right time to do it, and that if one pulled when they should have been guiding the push, or even pushed when the other wasn’t ready to pull then there would be problems. But if we could each just know when it was our turn to do the right thing then the log would be sawn smoothly and no one would get hurt. We’ve made a mess of this over our past 9 years at times, pushing when we should have been pulling, or even forcing a push when we should have just been supporting and guiding, pulling when the other was pulling too. Yup we’ve messed up at times but we’ve stayed the course. And as I write this I’ve realised that another dream has come true. Ok so Ian isn’t the knight in shining armour coming in on his white charger, in fact he looks very silly and uncomfortable on the back of a horse, but he is my friend and my companion, he’s there with me to walk through. He is someone I want to grow old with.
We are finding this part of the house move journey trying. Not difficult but trying. We are stuck in this limbo land of not knowing when things will happen and not having any control of how or when things will complete.
the journey?
a ship or pillion on a motorbike, we just go with the way it is going and don’t try to force it any other way. With riding pillion, it works best when we just put our faith and trust in the driver and let him be the one who steers.
I’ve been chewing over this post for a while. It’s really about living in the liminal place, which sounds so cool when you talk of it as that spiritual place between earth and heaven but the word means inbetween place. And this is where we are, living in that place between places. Our possessions are packed in boxes. We have done our round of goodbyes. We’ve finished our jobs. But we cannot take up new jobs, sort our new house out ready for the whole hospitality thing, can’t get to know our new neighbourhood. It is an odd place to be.
bit of know the vision and the why were sort of easy. Ok not overly but they were things God had been brewing in me, and in my husband, over a number of years, both together and individually. The thing is though they involved moving and place. These questions from 
I think often what is seen by those who don’t go to church is a load of people going to church services, pretending everything is ok, and yet hiding something. I do think in our modern church services we’ve tried too often to show God as the answer to everything when in fact He is the supreme being to hold on to, to shout at, to be hugged by, to be vulnerable with. God is about relationship in life not about answers to stuff we don’t even know the questions for.
want to hang on to the excitement of what will come; the walks on the beach, having a room of my own for writing, the guests we will be having, the new stuff, the spa I want to join.
alcoholic who needs to take one day at a time and say, ‘Today I am not going to have a drink’ similarly trust in God, surrendering to Him, is not worrying about tomorrow or the next day or next week but deciding to say each day, ‘Today I am going to fully trust God in all things’. This state allows us to live in and out of His will for us and therefore instills His Peace in our lives.”
of areas but at times I slip, at times its hard, but actually I can pick myself up and start again each day. I think there can be times when I am especially hard on myself and think that I haven’t been honest or trusting God and really that is just me being accused by the Devil/enemy/inner self. I have had some amazing times when I’ve been trusting God for so much and then there have been times when I have crashed. If I can see myself as continually being resurrected and it not being a once and once only event then I can happily sing “one day at at time sweet Jesus” rather than “let me know the plans in detail”. And there will be days when I crash, like I did on the weekend, and lose sight of if all but then there will be other times when I know where to go.
The last post wasn’t the first time I’ve been honest about where I am with God in my struggles and I don’t expect it will be the last. I am a work in progress and my testimony is built not in how I fall but in how I get up; not in the fact that I can keep going but in who I turn to when I’m crashed in the dirt.
of the replies that came back were empathetic, some encouraging but some just wound me up. I started journalling about it this morning and then took the dog for a long walk. It is beautiful and frosty this morning and the sun had just come up and was making things glisten. A great day for a long walk.
covered empty fields this morning I was able to tell God that I didn’t trust Him and listed the ways that I felt He had let me down. The list was long. It included healings that never happened and the people died, marriages that failed, dreams that never happened and were squashed, people I’ve prayed for who still are happy not in relationship with God and more. But it was not just that I didn’t trust God but also that I didn’t trust people and there are a lot of people involved in a house move that need to be trusted; buyers, sellers, estate agents and solicitors, removal companies, and friends and family. I told God all the people who I felt had let me down; friendships that were no longer close as they were, hurts and times of not being able to be open, church leaders who I felt weren’t there for me, and also the suicides and drownings we experienced. There were 4 people who let me down majorly, I felt.
How do I feel now? I’m still struggling with the waiting and the not having a date but I feel much more peaceful with the struggle. Sometimes, I believe, we need to wrestle with God and with our thoughts and emotions. We need to be honest and open. I now understand why I’m struggling and through that reflection I now have peace with my feelings. This is very much what Mindfulness teaches. It isn’t about pretending that I’m ok, that I trust God, but accepting that I’m struggling. I think that this is what God really wants from all of us, not that we are sorted but that we accept how we are doing at this moment in time.
How often when something happens do we respond with “there must be a reason …” or “it must be part of the plan” or another sort of divine meant to be sort of phrase, when really it’s just the way it is.
or not meant to be, rather than just stuff happens. The reason the people we are buying from got rid of their furniture is that they are organised people who, once they knew they had a buyer, got on and cleared out what they didn’t want to take with them. Fate or personality?
I know the furniture being sold that we wanted was no where near on the same scale but it got me thinking of the same thing, and there was no reason; there is nothing for us to learn. It is just that it happened and we need to get on and do something about it.
going to learn how to furniture shop together – though that will be interesting. And even if it is we do still have to just pick ourselves up and get on and buy!!
No one likes change. Really that is the truth. Some people say they like change. I would say that about myself, but in reality I’m ok if I’m the one orchestrating the change. I like to know that the change is mine. I’ve been really frustrated with the changes made to WordPress because I knew how to do things before and now I’m not so sure. It all takes longer.
something, changing something they are familiar with. I got cross at first until I realised how upset I get when other people change. My husband is struggling with our change more than I am, which actually is good because he is then more aware of how others are coping. I am ok with our change. In fact I’m quite excited. I’m looking forward to a bigger bedroom, a room to call my own, more than one toilet, etc. Yes there are things I’m nervous about but in an excited sort of way. I then find it hard to understand how everyone can’t just be pleased for us.
die. Or rather we don’t want other people to change and we don’t want other people to die.
and do things differently I would rather appreciate it if they would stay in the same house, in the same job, doing the same thing so I can slot into their lives as I always do.
Aspirational Adventures 