We are all guilty of procrastination at some point. Procrastination is not the same as listening to our hearts and leaving things to another day. Procrastination is when you know you want to do something but you put it off yet you can feel your heart telling you to do it.
Procrastination is a voluntary deal. As writers it is when we do all the chores, etc before sitting down to write and then wonder why we’ve run out of time. Procrastination is to do with emotional disregulation, of lacking emotional clarity, so we put it off and give it to our future selves as if they can deal with it better than our present selves. But of course if our present selves couldn’t handle it why would our future selves be any better at it, especially with the guilt that then comes with it for not having done it in the first place. And so as we all know we then put it off again, and again and again, which explains why so any things get harder to impliment as we get older.
It is almost a kind of self harm, but a self harm of our future selves.
So we need to ask our present selves the “why” question rather than trying to get through our procrastination with grim determination. Perhaps the “why we’re procrastinating” question will reveal that we don’t think we’re good enough to, that we have doubts that we’re up for the task. But if we feel we’re not good enough [that enough word again] then our future selves will feel even less like they can do it!
So what do we do?
We ask the questions of where did this idea that I’m not good enough come from and then we treat ourselves with compassion as the answers come up.
If we are kind to ourselves, compassionate with ourselves, give ourselves the grace to forgive ourselves for believing we are not good enough, then we can start slowly to move forward. We can learn to be curious about ourselves in a gentle way not a condemning way, and what we must do is keep ourselves safe from allowing the procrastination to hold us back.
Also we must not compare. I’ve been reading Stephen Kings “On Writing” book. He started submitting stories in his teens and has been writing prolifically in, at times in challenging circumstances, for over fifty years. His philosophy is to write about 2000 words before doing anything else. I could so easily have been doing that if I hadn’t been procrastinating, but I didn’t. Instead I am 63 and have put off the “big write” till now.
So I could sit here condemning myself and giving my 63 year old self a hard time for not putting in more time and effort beforehand. But, you know what, I cannot go backwards. I can only start where I am now. I can use the present to move forward because the past is the past and it is gone. What good is it going to do me if I spend all my present energy trying to change the past? Daft idea when you see it written down but it is what a lot of us try to do a times – that whole “if only” syndrome.
So each day as I feel myself wanting to go and do something else, to procrastinate with my own writing, I gently ask myself why, and slowly, slowly I am moving forward with writing what I want to write with a confidence I have never had before.
Perhaps it also helps to know I am a lake not an ocean and am secure in that.
I was at church where things were really uplifting but I didn’t feel it. I have had a heaviness in my heart since Friday evening with the whole Brexit thing. I’m not saying how I voted but what makes me sad is that – here is a momentous occasion in our nation’s history and yet the country is divided and so doesn’t know what to do. Yes there were some who did have parties to celebrate, but it definitely wasn’t half the country. There were some who were in major mourning but again not all those who voted remain. There were many who were just numbed by the length of time it took to get from a vote to a movement. To me there was a sense of apathy, numbness and fear of the unknown. There was a sense of not knowing how to react so as not to upset anyone one way or the other. In our house the B word cannot be uttered because of where the conversation goes.
I was a volunteer at a local restoration project. I was working very hard. I had reached a point where I was tired of doing it all for nothing. The Christian expression that a friend uses a lot is “the grace had gone”, which means the love, the joy, the being able to put the work at the castle first, not needing rewards apart from the joy of being, wasn’t there any more. It meant I was getting grouchy about it all and wanting to see wrong in it and everyone there. My husband said that it is psychologically proven that when people want to leave something – a job, project, relationship, town, etc – they find fault with it. But you see I didn’t want to leave not liking it there. I can see the castle from my study window. I also walk my dog in the grounds. I did not want to stop looking at it, stop going there, stop encouraging other people to go there. I didn’t want people to hear my bad mouthing it. So what to do?
of every evening he always shares something on the local history of the area. Well one of the two places he picked was the castle where I used to volunteer. And he especially picked out the young man who runs the Trust and is the driving force in the restoration. Because I had left with grace and kindness, when I saw it and the things Dan Snow said about it my heart swelled with pride. Not because I had been a part of it but because I knew the person being honoured. I was proud of him. He is my friend. I was proud to hear him honoured. Proud that the place I used to be very involved in was one of only two places singled out in this area for Dan Snow to talk about. All this came about because I grew up and left with grace not with anger.
There is this thing, or maybe it’s just me, but I have found it in many Christian denominations – this sense of “calling”, of “ministry” of “doing something for God.” I have been there, done it, got the T-shirt, so to speak. I have also struggled when I have felt I am not doing “ministry” stuff.
ministry stuff; Youth With a Mission discipling, touring Europe and UK praying, setting up prayer groups, as well as home schooling my kids. I was doing the stuff. All I didn’t have at that point was a ministry title 🙂 And she was a newish Christian and finding her feet. I felt like I was discipling and encouraging her. I got married, Things changed. She found her feet and got connected in and encouraged. She has since got married. She is now out there doing the stuff. I must say I was nervous about talking to her today because I felt she was doing things I would love to be doing and that I would feel jealous that actually I didn’t want to talk for too long because I had a house to clean. Yes my focus has become housework. Something I never thought I would say. Anyway we got chatting and then she started to enthuse about the Healing on the Streets stuff and the prayer tent she is involved in. In fact her and her husband are leading these things. When she talked about the teams she talked about her teams. You know what? Suddenly, when she was saying how one knows one is anointed for something because you find the time and energy for it. Well something in me leaped. You know what excites me at the moment? Having a clean tidy house! And you know something? I notice now when there is a bit of dust, pet hair, smudge on the sink! Yes I now notice those things!! But that is because, for this season, my calling is to keep house.
place of equality; where we had become true friends. I found the whole experience interesting because it made me see how we can so spoil what we are meant to do by trying to be someone else. And also where we have put this whole thing up of what is doing and what isn’t. Have I, like her, waited years to do this? Not the cleaning and the not going to meet with people. No! Do I want to do this forever? Well the way I’m feeling at the moment, Yes! But that is just that God has me where He wants me doing what I am called to do. I might not be able to write cool newsletters about it but I am here doing what I’m called to. And actually what, I think, we often forget with the whole walk with God is that we are meant to do what He has called us to and not send out cool prayer letters. We have to stop striving for the noticeable “ministry” positions and walk our walk as He directs. I am more than capable of doing what my friend is doing but it would be wrong to be doing it now. And I am sure she is more than capable of doing what I’m doing. Although when I mentioned that she laughed so maybe she isn’t.
Does what she do mean she needs more of God than me, or visa versa? No! We both needs God and to walk out this journey with Him as He called us. And then to help others walk out their calling in Him as they are meant to be.
Aspirational Adventures 