Why do I write? This was a question I was asking myself in the early hours of this morning after sending a text to a friend. Before sending it I did ask myself ‘would I have said this to her face?’ and answered ‘yes’. Then I got to thinking about why I had not said these things to her before and why I had written. After much pondering it came back that I am more confident writing. I know people say that and there have been the hurriedly sent emails full of anger and hate, and I have been guilty of that too, but this, and others that I have sent in similar vein, are because I haven’t had the space within the conversation to say these things.
I have said before that I am a loud introvert so people think I say a lot, but in fact I keep the peace when I speak. My sister use to say that I was always the peacemaker, the one who would say the nice things. Again I am one for a fight but I fight and shout because I can’t find the right words. I know my husband would disagree, but the reason I fight dirty is because I don’t like it and am upset and scared. I have to trust someone deeply to be able to verbally disagree with them. In conversation, though many would disagree, I find it hard to find that space to say what is on my mind. In fact I find it hard to know what is on my mind. I go with the flow. It’s why I don’t like small talk. It’s also why I struggle in this new environment to get to know people. I need someone who will kick start the 
conversation. Like this morning (this was written Thurs 25th initially – posted later) I met this woman dog walking who stuck up the conversation, not just about the dog but about me and invited me to a dog show. Now I know her name and she knows mine. I liked a couple of the groups we’ve been to since moving here, Bible study groups, because there is a fixed idea on what is going on, and also a common place for people to start.
In fact I also blog because it is the way I can say what I’m thinking, maybe too to a wider audience, but I would find it hard to say some of the things I write about in a conversation. In fact to have a conversation about the things I write would take a lot, for me anyway, of pride. How would I be able to start some of the things I write about? I know whoever reads my blogs knows it will be a one sided thing, but conversation’s different. Also I know I am a facilitator which means in conversation I have to let the other person have their say, explore their thoughts, give them the space. Writing in all it’s forms is my space to have my say.
So I wrote/texted these things to my friend because they had been on my heart for a long time, because I’d been chewing them over for a while, and because I wanted to say them to her. It does mean that she didn’t see the tears in my eyes when I told her, but also I didn’t hear either the hurt or the misunderstanding in what she said back to me. Do I hope our 
friendship is strong enough to go through this? To be honest I’m not sure I mind. What I really hope is that when I see her face to face I am able to be as honest with her as I was in what I wrote. Often when I do write emails, texts, letters or cards to people it is to open the conversation so that when I see them face to face we can go from there. Although again I wait for them to initiate. I wonder if there is a personality type for those who need others to initiate? 🙂
(Posting this on Friday 26th 2 days after writing. Interestingly I have just had a conversation with someone here in the library as I was writing. I smiled but she initiated the actual conversations. I think that says that one does need to be open for someone to start but again I need them to take it further. Also re my friend – I do hope we can still be friends through what was said, and if we aren’t then I will be sad, but that will be because I felt misunderstand in my actions and so would feel the friendship couldn’t cope, which would be sad.) I did feel I had to keep the post as it was though and just add this to it 🙂
Yesterday whilst we were walking on the beach and looking at the mountains in the February sunshine we got a call to say that our house sale had completed then a hour or so later a call to say that our house purchase had been completed.
the journey to here too; the things we’ve walked through in the last few years which almost drove our marriage apart. I wonder why it didn’t? Both my husband and I have been in relationships that have ended in divorce without going through any of the traumas we went through. I wonder what we’ve had? Maybe it is that deep inside both of us there is this shared dream – of the sea and mountains – that has held us together? Who will know what it is that holds some people together and drags some people apart. But all I do know is that I couldn’t be where I am now without him. And it’s not just that he has the money. It’s much more than that. Standing with my slightly hard-work-at-times husband has meant that I could achieve much more than standing alone. There was a point when we got in the car on 10 days earlier to travel to Wales into temporary accommodation without either our house sale completed and being told the other house was nowhere near ready that I panicked. If it hadn’t been for Ian I would have jumped out the car and gone back to bed, but he held there in strength and kept it going.
When we got married my father-in-law had a picture for us, of us sawing a huge log with one of those 2 people saws, and he said that the way things worked best in a marriage was when each person did their bit and took their turn in pulling the saw through the wood when it was the right time to do it, and that if one pulled when they should have been guiding the push, or even pushed when the other wasn’t ready to pull then there would be problems. But if we could each just know when it was our turn to do the right thing then the log would be sawn smoothly and no one would get hurt. We’ve made a mess of this over our past 9 years at times, pushing when we should have been pulling, or even forcing a push when we should have just been supporting and guiding, pulling when the other was pulling too. Yup we’ve messed up at times but we’ve stayed the course. And as I write this I’ve realised that another dream has come true. Ok so Ian isn’t the knight in shining armour coming in on his white charger, in fact he looks very silly and uncomfortable on the back of a horse, but he is my friend and my companion, he’s there with me to walk through. He is someone I want to grow old with.
Well after the great one line help from Martin Scott – which actually was very appropriate for the actual journey because the main motorway we had to go up was blocked and we had to do a pretty major detour through the middle of Wales, adding 2 hours to our journey, and then also made an error of judgement on a junction adding more to the journey. As always it was a struggle to enjoy the detours 🙂
what if we’d got it all wrong. And that we shouldn’t be moving now, that we should stay put and wait. Oh and even moved on to worrying that I was abandoning my children. Ok they are 22 and 24 but it was 3am!
Anyway I expressed by doubts and fears to Ian as we journeyed up. He was great and said about how it felt right to be doing this but actually even if we are doing totally the wrong thing in the wrong timing that’s ok. We have to work from where we are. And then he teased me to remind me that these were my words that I had said to him before 🙂
We are finding this part of the house move journey trying. Not difficult but trying. We are stuck in this limbo land of not knowing when things will happen and not having any control of how or when things will complete.
the journey?
a ship or pillion on a motorbike, we just go with the way it is going and don’t try to force it any other way. With riding pillion, it works best when we just put our faith and trust in the driver and let him be the one who steers.
Aspirational Adventures 