tribe – Aspirational Adventures

I’ve been pondering this overuse of the phrase “we are family” or “our community” or even “finding your tribe” because recently I was hurt by that usage of those phrases expecting more than was to be given. Then we went to see Ben Elton, the comedian, who is a year older than me and on a similar wave length. He went on about how when we were young community meant those people in our location that we had to get on with whether we liked them or not. I would say similar for family – a group of people we are related to by blood that we have to tolerate whether we like them or not.

I have been in churches where there has been great emphasis on “we’re all family” then we move away and that whole connection ends. The same with work families. Once one leaves the connection is gone. It is a business relationship working towards a purpose not that tolerating and supporting relationship. This is fine but we must be careful not to confuse the two.

I was chatting to someone about this and we think it is because everyone is so busy and so disjointed . For instance if I leave a church or work then I get involved with something else then I become too busy with that to keep up the relationships, and those I’ve left behind are too busy too. It isn’t that they don’t like me but they don’t have the time.

These supportive/business transactional relationships are about finding places we feel safe from the others, those who disagree with us, but we’re all so busy we don’t really connect. Yes when we write we say profound things and sometimes we all do share our hearts back and forth. But we are all too busy doing the connecting to have time for the depth too often.

I am blessed with my life at the moment because even though I’m busy it isn’t too structure. I have time to hang out with those small handful of people who I can share my life with, and who also have 2-3 hours or more just to “chew the fat”.

I was lucky to spend 3+ hours with a friend the other day. We talked about loads and both of us as we came to the end said “now I understand what I’ve really been wondering about” and “I’ve change my mind on that point of view”. We have time to challenge each other because we have made time to put in the hours to hang out.

Maybe we need to use different words than community, tribe, family? Or maybe give those words different meanings? If we all listed the groups we are apart of then we could be honest and say things like “I love writing with you one Saturday a month/every Tuesday fortnight” or “I love chatting about Bible stuff and God once a fortnight/once a month” or “I love your regular post on WordPress/Substack/Facebook” then follow it up with “but that’s as far as our relationship goes”. Be honest enough to say “I’ve got lots of other things I love doing and people I love being with and areas of live I want to explore so once every month/week/fortnight/occasionally and only in this specific area”. Perhaps that would let go of the disappointments.

So taking it back to the group where I was hurt it would have been great for the leader to say “it is awesome the things we are sharing over this period together. Make the most of it because I’ve got a busy life and I suspect you have to. You also all live miles apart. Enjoy this but don’t be sad when it finishes because finish it will” would have been much nice than to talk of us all “finding our tribe” and being “family”.

It is a bit like when on the radio a DJ will end a phone call to a random caller by saying “love you, bye”. I think it makes the words “I love you” become trivial too. And I think that’s what is happening with community and family.

Perhaps, if we were honest about the lack of depth in some of these online or business type relationships and groups it would give us all time to find those few special people that we can share deeply with, that know enough about our lives to poke us when we’re out of order, to hold us when we’re hurting and hiding it. I think we all need people we can trust to hold us when we’re trying to hide our hurts but that takes time to get. That is not the same as someone who responds to a blog post or even that we meet on Zoom for a group or even those we meet in groups monthly.

So let’s not get confused with family and tribes and communities and expect them to fulfill our needs. Maybe I’m saying this to myself!!!

And also let’s leave time for our families even when they annoy us, push those buttons, don’t meet our needs. Let’s not forget them in our busyness to replace them with some other online community.

21st May – World Cultural Diversity Day

This post first appeared on Godspacelight.com on 20th May 2023

Interestingly in planning for this something else popped up and I wrote a piece around King Charles’ coronation to do with cultural diversity. As a good detective says “there’s no such thing as coincidences” and my QEC practitioner is always saying how things come up for a reason that we need to explore.

So what does come to mind when we talk about “cultural diversity”? What picture/image comes to mind? And what does cultural diversity look like?

Meaning according to https://www.dictionary.com/

the cultural variety and cultural differences that exist in the world, a society, or an institution: Dying languages and urbanization are threats to cultural diversity.
the inclusion of diverse people in a group or organization: to embrace cultural diversity in the workplace.

The Modern Cockney Festival looks at how the culture of Cockneys, which was originally a word used for those born within the sound of Bow Bells in London, has morphed and changed and come to embrace all those who feel they can relate to some of the cockney traditions. There are other events like this that are for people who feel they relate to those traditions, cultures or similar, that at one time certain races, genders or creeds may not have.

There are differences in cultures that we need to recognise, honour and celebrate and I believe we are getting better and better are recognising the big differences, but what about the more subtle ones?

I live in North Wales and when we moved here we did think that the only differences were between Welsh and English, but the longer we’ve lived here and the more people we have come to know we have found that there are much more subtleties within the land than we originally envisaged. Many of which can get lost within the bigger picture. We’ve had both Anglican church parish boundaries and electoral boundaries changed recently due to population density. But there is a major cultural difference between those who live on the coast and those who live in hills, those who live nearer the English border and those who live on the Western reaches, those who live in the large towns and those who live in isolated villages. Within a population of just over three million people there is a great range of diversities.

I lived in Belfast in 1996-7 which gave me a feel there for the cultural diversity of the city and the surrounding countryside. I got to know people who were Protestant and Catholic, Unionist and Loyalist, who had moved to the city from a village where everyone knew each other and those who lived in the city but also knew each other. Belfast in the mid 1990s was like no city I’ve ever lived in before. I cannot comment about the rest of Northern Ireland because I never made it over to Londonderry or into the hinterland. The population of Northern Ireland is less than two million and yet so diverse.

Having lived in both these places I have seen how especially government or media do not honour the diversity of these nations but make judgement calls about what they need as a whole, what they want as a whole, and even what these people think as a whole. There is no space for different wants and needs.

I know too that I am guilty of this with Native American tribes, with people who live in India, Asia, and all those myriad of countries I have never visited and never had the time to really get to know. Yet Revelation 7:9 says

After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from EVERY nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands

I think the reason the bible says “multitude” is because then no one can give an exact figure. I think this is because God understands and knows each different group of people however big or small, however diverse, and is going to make sure they are fully represented in heaven.

Note the word EVERY in there. Not most, not a few of, not even the majority, but EVERY nation, tribe, people and language will be there whether here on earth they have been recognised at all.

I believe that we need to stop lumping people into easier to handle homogeneous groups believing we know what they want or need or think but we all need to start listening to, talking to and really finding out how we can all fit together but still stay cultural diverse.

I think we also all need to be true to our own cultural diversity and who we fit with. I’m working with people who are between 15 and 40 years younger than me. Even those who are 15 years younger than me are of a different generation, have different values, different tastes, remember different music and TV programs. I have to accept that even though I am friends with them I also have a different culture that I relate to and fit comfortably into.

I do think too often we try to find a homogeneous whole that we can fit into instead of enjoying the over laps. There is nothing to be afraid of in being cultural different to someone whether they are in our street, town, workplace, country, or that we never meet at all. God says “EVERY nation, tribe, people and language” will be standing shoulder to shoulder praising. We’re not going to have to conform to a “holy homogeneous huddle” but will be able to enjoy our different hues, words, styles, etc in heaven. Maybe we could start doing it now. But also realise how much overlap there is.

How many cultural groups do you belong to?