Tag: faith

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ego Trust God

Prayers or Wishes?

A selection of pictures related me driving – perfect parallel park, Luton van, a couple of walks early in the morning just me and my dog, and then my writing retreat week

I went to a local opticians this past week and she did very through tests on my eyes and found that I might not have great peripheral vision. It is not confirmed as yet. I need some more tests. But for now I cannot drive which has come hard because I so love driving. But in the grand scheme of things it isn’t the end of the world.

What has amazed me is some people’s reactions. Most have been really kind and supportive but from one person I got that I needed to be positive and keep saying that there is nothing wrong with my eyes and get rid of all negative believes that my eyesight is bad. This is hard one because I have always been really shortsighted until 13 years ago when I had lens replacements and went from a minus 21 to minus 0.5 which was totally amazing. But my cornea are stretched and are the cornea of an almost blind person!

I sort of know that if I tell this that my eyes are still bad she will tell me that I didn’t do my statements correctly or didn’t believe enough. That somewhere along the way it will be my fault.

I remember my father-in-law saying that, after his major traffic accident where he suffered brain injuries, people would pray for him and, because he didn’t get better, they would say it was his fault for not believing, or that there was sin in his life. Not helpful at all.

Even though the person who told me to believe in the healing isn’t talking about prayer to me it feels like a similar idea, that there is that potential that if we wish it/believe it hard enough then it will all sort out. And then if it doesn’t sort out then it is our fault. It is all very ego-centric

I was very pleased to come across this phrase this morning in Richard Rohr’s daily meditations which seems very apt

….that the greatest enemy of ordinary daily goodness and joy is not imperfection, but the demand for some supposed perfection or order. 

https://cac.org/daily-meditations/the-mystery-of-the-cross/

Ok there is more going in the meditation but this stood out to me. When one does some of these positive statements or healing prayers or whatever one can get into the trap of calling down what we see as perfection. Note the “we see as perfection.” For me personally, to have perfect peace with whatever the outcome of these eye tests in a fortnight are is the greatest thing I could get. Yes of course I would love to be driving again, would love that freedom of just taking off and being on a beach to watch the sun come up, to pop to the Farmer’s market without having to get a lift, etc, etc. But if that doesn’t happen I want to be able to be so at peace I can feel it in my bones.

So I will ask God for my eyesight to be ok and to be able to drive again because that would be silly not to check in with the Great Creator of the Universe and not ask. And if I wasn’t a Christian I would probably do those positive statements and hope for the best.

But what I want deep down is for this daily goodness, this joy, this peace that passes all understanding, to be settled in my heart no matter what happens.

I’ll post an update in after 28th August to let you know how I get on.

Categories
let go of fear trust

Mountains

Looking across Loch Katrine to a lovely Scottish mountain. Photographed by myself September 2024

Jesus said, “… Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20

I was journaling around something the other day and was thinking of how one can let things on top you and then keep piling upwards – like fear, anxiety, uncertainty, worry, etc. This is sample of what I wrote

…you take today and yesterday and all your yesterdays and carry them into tomorrow allowing the pile to grow and morph, to cast shadows across your world

Each day the mountain grows, bigger, more substantial, more present

It seems immovable.

Then the above verse popped into my head and it was like a light bulb moment. Jesus wasn’t talking about physically rearranging the topography of the world, not trying to move literal mountains. I think he was talking of those mountains we all build within ourselves – sometimes called walls. Walls are like mountains but more regular in shape – and how we think they are immovable, or even that we should climb them to get to where we want or to be who we think we are meant to be.

How often do we hear “I need to get over my fear of …” or “I need to push myself to not worry about ….” Always that “I” word. Always that doing word.

Firstly I think we need to be aware of our mountains. Even though they are lots of them are big we have got used to them and think they are just “how we are” and that we need to just, now here’s an interesting word we use, “get over it” or those around us need to “get over it”. We think it is just the way we are whether due to personality, to upbringing, to present circumstance.

So many fears and anxieties course through me on any given day that I sometimes scarcely notice them. They’re just part of my blood.

Grant Faulkner – Practicing Lectio Divina

But what if instead we slow down a bit and noticed we have an issue with, for example, fear of money, fear of the future, anxiety about what other people think, anxiety about the way the world is going, nervous about going into a new place, or asking for something. What if we were willing to acknowledge that we don’t want to live with this mountain that we have to keep climbing every day?

Jesus says we only need a tiny bit of faith to do that. A mustard seed is a very small seed but is really important in Middle Eastern cuisine, the plant reaches maturity very quickly and can grow almost anywhere. A great example of something that can take the place of that mountain we thought we had to live with, thought we had to “get over” any time we had to go beyond our safe space.

I ended my journaling by writing – that even though Jesus can dismantle any mountain and throw it into the sea he will always need our permission to do it. And this is why, too often, we have to keep climbing that self same mountain because we don’t trust Jesus/God/The Universe and so don’t give them that permission to get rid of our self build mountains.

Renly climbing a mountain near Aber Falls March 2025 photographed by myself.

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fulfilment repentance

Woman At The Well

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/ancient-draw-well-arabian-village-uae-71733394.jpg

I’ve always related to the Woman at the well story in John chapter 4 because when I met Jesus I’d had a couple of husbands and the man I was living with wasn’t my husband. He wasn’t even the father of my child. And I met with God in this amazing powerfully tangible way that no amount of scepticism can ever take from me.

But the bit I struggled with was the “living water” thing. It was often preached that this living water would go stale if we didn’t keep giving it away and that, so long as we kept going to church, hearing sermons, doing stuff that needed doing in church and in mission, telling people about Jesus, etc then this living water was always going to be replaced. And that if we didn’t, well then the living water would go stale. It did appear that to keep this living water flowing there was a lot of stuff for us to do.

But I’ve just read Tim Keller’s book Encounters With Jesus and he thinks it isn’t quite like that. This living water is inner healing for us.

[Jesus] … is talking about deep soul satisfaction, about incredible satisfaction and contentment that doesn’t depend on what is happening outside of us

pp 26-7

The woman at the well wasn’t getting true inner satisfaction with her relationships. What made the change inside her was when she let God “quench her thirst,” let God fully fill her up in her inner most being, in that part of er heart, our hearts, that are longing for unconditional love, to be safe being ourselves, that place where total contentment comes from.

So doesn’t matter what our relationships are like, what are jobs are like, what our planet is like, etc etc, we feel this inner peace, this inner joy, this inner contentment. And we don’t need to do any of those things that church says to keep that inner healing, inner peace, that “living water”. It is a total free gift from God. In fact doing those things that some sermons tell us so that we keep that “living water”, so that we never thirst for deep contentment again, are actually us trying to sort out the outer situations when what Jesus promised is that inner deep place of our hearts; to be healed of the traumas and neglects of childhood, of other people, of misunderstanding something and so getting hurt by it, of a deep felt need for something. This is the living water, this place where we will never thirst or chase for it elsewhere.

I think the reason that the people of the town came rushing out to see Jesus is not just the words the woman said, but that they saw a change in the countenance of the woman. They saw something deep had change within her and now their husbands, sons, brothers, male relatives, were safe from her because she no longer needed a man, a relationship, to find her deep inner peace, her inner fulfilment.

Like many I do forget or am aware of that “living water” and might at times be looking to other things – relationship, a good writing session, being noticed and heard – to fill those spaces but really I need to stop. I need to remember where I was 34 years ago, remember the encounter I had with God, and allow the living water to touch that place within me again, to heal me again, to remind me again.

One definition of repentance is to turn 180 degrees and be facing the other way and whenever I’m feeling like I’m looking for something else to heal me, to give me fulfilment, to fill that hole, then I just need to turn around and stand in that living water again, that acceptance of Jesus just as I am. And remember I am loved unconditionally by the Creator of The Universe no matter what I do say or act.

Categories
faith simple

Why Do We Have To Make It Hard?

St Monan’s, East Neuk, Scotland. Photographed by myself June 2025

A little rant!

I’ve just read two blog posts by two people who are big in the Christian mover/shaker scene. I rate both of them which is why I get their posts but in both of them they talk about how following the Christian faith is hard work, and you know that bugs me.

I’ve been a Christian over thirty years now and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Ok sometimes I forget how amazing it all is and get grouchy about it but really it is amazing and it underpins so much of life in general.

For instance – we all know, whether Christian or not, that forgiving others and ourselves is beneficial to ourselves, often more so than it is to the others, who often don’t know we’re mad at them. We all know that to let go of things is so much easier, even if, whether Christian or not, we struggle sometimes to do that. We all know its right.

In fact most of us know, whether Christian or not, that it helps to believe in something/someone that is bigger and more encompassing than we are. Those who attend Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or other organisations like that say that things change when they give their addictions to something/someone bigger than them whoever they identify that or call it. The main difference for me from my reading of the Bible is that I call my bigger being God and believe they love me unconditionally.

It is this unconditional love bit that for me makes being a Christian easy. I don’t accept the rules and regulations that religious streams try to say one should do, say, act like, believe. I just know that I am loved by something so much more amazing than me, some being that created the whole universe.

So if the Creator of the Universe loves me unconditionally then why should pottering along making mistakes, forgiving myself, getting hurt by others and forgiving them, doing my best to be kind, supportive, encouraging to others be hard? Why should the whole thing of trusting that all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well, to quote Julian of Norwich, be such an issue?

I remember going to one gathering and the leader said that he was the leader of the church there and that Christians were a broken people and he was more broken than any, and thinking to myself “well I’m not going there.” I want to go somewhere that’s led by people who are confident that their God loves them unconditionally, that they are forgiven and so can forgive others, that they can be generous with themselves, their time, money, hearts, because they have more than enough, that they have no fear of lack. I don’t want to go somewhere where leaders find it hard work, where they struggle with their faith, where they are “broken”.

I fully believe I have been made whole by Jesus, can write my life story and all the crap that’s in it knowing I am forgiven and I am forgiving those I write about, and knowing that, through God, I can trust my heart, enjoy being with myself.

If God thinks I am amazing and worth loving unconditionally then who am I to question them????

my dog chilling after being carried in his new old dog’s backpack knowing he is safe and loved just for being him. Photographed by myself June 2025

Sometimes we all need to be more like my little dog who is accepting his limitations, allowing himself to be carried when need be, and relaxing into the safety of being loved by his two humans.

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Flexible interesting

Be Flexible

https://dailyverses.net/2025/6/3

I know I’ve written about being flexible before but I love it when a Bible verse pops up in my inbox that is so relevant to my day.

Today looked like being a full day so I journaled how best to fit everything in, had my plan ready, and then the day changed shape. Firstly those who come to the writing groups I run steadily cancelled one by one so that now it looks like there might be just one person but she hasn’t got back to me just to confirm. But even if she does running a writing group for just one person is very different to running it for 5-6.

Then I drove up to school where I’m doing some emotional support work with a lad to get told that someone was in from SEN to observe him and after some discussion between myself and the deputy head we decided that it would not be beneficial if I took him out of class.

Change! Change! Change!

I know at one time I’d have been really angry about things and also not sure what to do, but today yes I did have a little “oh my what shall I do?” moment but was able to ANS [realign my autonomic nervous system], breath, and thank God for this space in my day. Not that at the moment I need great spaces because life seems pretty chilled at the moment – with even a holiday approaching on Friday.

Again at one time I would have panicked that I have all this free time and I should be filling it but now I trust to God/The Universe that they know what’s going on and that it is ok to just be rather than do.

And to also remember this from Matt Kelland

So now today I’ve done this post. Then I will do some more major decluttering of my study because I bought 3 wooden crates on Sunday and am having a revamp. It looks good but there seems to have been an explosion of paperwork from somewhere, which probably needs recycling! Either that or I’ll sit in the garden and read a book!

Categories
acceptance humble

What Sort of Pride?

Photo by Alexander Grey on Pexels.com

A friend of mine was telling me how she wasn’t happy about the concept of Gay Pride. She said it wasn’t because she was anti gay but it was the word “pride” and the biblical “pride comes before a fall” [Proverbs 6:18] and of pride being one of the seven deadly sins. It got me thinking about the word and different meanings of pride especially as when I run writing groups with adults or children I encourage them to be proud of their work; to have pride in what they do. Then later on that same day someone was bemoaning trying to get a settlement with their estranged husband and said “typical male pride”.

The different meanings of the word PRIDE

  • take pride in something/someone

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/pride

I think the Proverbs verse means don’t think too highly of yourself; don’t be prideful. But that Gay pride is to know your own worth and respect yourself. Very different meanings to the same word.

This is one of the problems with the English language I think. Too often there is only one word but many meanings. It is also where things get mixed up when looking at the Bible, a book that was written in at least three very different languages and then translated into many others. Too often the translation comes via Latin which is too often limited in its wording – eg the word we use as Love as many different forms in the Hebrew and at least six in Greek, all with different connotations. A bit like the Eskimos having many words for snow and the Welsh have at least 26 words for rain.

So I agree that none of us should think we are any better than anyone else, prideful, but I think that we should all be content with who we are, be proud of our achievements, be proud when we see those we love and care for doing well. It isn’t this sort of pride that comes before a fall but the sort of pride that stops us asking for help, stops us helping others, stops us realising that we have faults too. The pride we need to live and walking is a humble pride of knowing our strengths and our weaknesses, knowing our wants and needs, and be open and caring to ourselves and each other. True pride [not pridefulness] means we can truly love ourselves and so truly love our neighbour because we know what we can and cannot do.

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Feet hands

Why Wash Feet Not Hands?

Photo by Yan Krukau on Pexels.com

I know why Jesus washed his disciples feet – because it was what servants did to everyone who entered the house. It was to wash the dirt of the streets off those sandaled [without socks] dirty, dusty, feet. It is something that is repeated across many churches on Maundy Thursday [yesterday] across the world, and sometimes used at other times of the year to signify someone, generally in leadership, desiring to serve others.

Back in Jesus’s day it was easy though to wash feet. I’m not sure if they did it with or without sandals but even if it was without then it was easy to slip off a sandal. I remember once being at a meeting where this woman wanted to wash all our feet. Great gesture I thought, but I was wearing long boots with buckles etc and I was worried my socks would be holey or something. For me it was a big hassle and I got grumpy about it. It would have been so much easier if she’d washed my hands instead. No faffing with taking boots off, no then having to get feet properly dry before putting socks and boots back on again. Easy!

Easy but actually doesn’t really signify anything.

I think the reason that it should still be feet is because it is more of a thing, more of a faff. And hands one should wash often.

Hands we wash ourselves on a regular basis – before eating, after the toilet, before preparing food, after craft activities, etc.

How often do you really wash your feet? Ok so you stand in the shower or lie in the bath and your feet get wet and hopefully cleaned off from the water around you. But do you really give your feet the attention that you give your hands?

Feet are really important to our daily health. Here’s a quote from the government’s Medline Plus website

Foot problems … can sometimes signal other health issues such as arthritis, diabetes, or nerve damage. Left untreated, they can even cause pain and dysfunction in other parts of your body, including your back, hips, and knees.

And this one

Our feet, containing a quarter of the bones in our body, bear the weight of our entire body daily!

Our feet, that so many of us take so little care of, look after us so much.

So I think, even though yes as I say again I know the Middle Eastern servant reason for Jesus washing his disciples’ feet but also I think whenever we are in a place that does the washing of feet Last Supper tradition that we keep it as feet and don’t turn it into the easier washing of hands. It is like remembering to say that we are going to care for those bits that get forgotten, that get hidden away and yet are so important to our whole well being.

Perhaps in this modern day when this is done as well as remembering backwards to Jesus we can also think about those people who get forgotten and often who are hidden but who are so important.

Duh that’s what servants were!

Look after your feet because they are your often forgotten servants. And look after those in your community who are hidden but important. And don’t try and skip to something easier.

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Holy Week Yr Wythnos Fawr

Yr Wythnos Fawr

[Literal translation from Welsh to English is The Great Week]

Photo by JINU JOSEPH on Pexels.com

I love the Christian Holy Week, or as the literal Welsh translation calls it “The Great Week”, that week from Palm Sunday through to Easter Sunday. I can see myself in so many of the characters – part of the crowd that gets excited because everyone else is excited on the Sunday. I often don’t need to know what’s going on to get emotionally involved – to cry at a single musical theatre song, to cheer when someone wins something even if I’m not sure of the event. People’s emotions connect with me, which means I could also see myself as part of the angry mob too because I could so easily get caught up with the moment.

I can understand why the disciples asked Jesus why he was curing the fig tree, why he trashed the temple, wonder what he was on about when he said the temple would be rebuild in three days; have traveled with him for so long and yet still not got the message.

I could so easily have been Judas, not so much betraying but trying to force Jesus’ hand in, what I saw was a safer or more effective way; could have been Peter who one day totally gets it and calls Jesus Messiah then later on denies him when he’s afraid of the consequences.

Knowing the end of the story I’d love to say that I would have just done the cheering, just done the Messiah acknowledging, not denied, not thought Jesus wasn’t sure what he was doing, would have totally got what was going on. But that’s because I know what happens next.

I realise, if I’m totally honest with myself, if I was there and didn’t know what came next I would be as fallible as the rest of those there. I would have slept when I should have been awake, would have run away when I should have stayed, would have hidden behind locked doors rather than have walked boldly.

So this year as I listen to the Bible Society read to me the The Great Week stories – I try to remember how fickle and fallible that I truly am. And then remember that God knows that anyway and loves me unconditionally anyway.

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Uncategorized

What Sort of Slaves were the Hebrews?

This is what AI came up with when I asked for a picture of Hebrew slaves. This was its 5th attempt all of which featured men interestingly enough.

Today’s Bible Society Lent reading was about all the stuff given to the temple. Now I know there is a verse in Exodus that says about how the Egyptians gave gold, silver and jewelry, etc to the Hebrews after the last plague, but there is an awful lot of stuff here.

I think we have always been led to believe from various Hollywood depictions and various sermons, that those descendants of Jacob, Moses’ family, lived in appalling conditions of starvation and over work. But then early on in the Exodus they are moaning about not getting certain food types, which means they must have enjoyed those foods not just picked up scrapings from the ground. Then in the reading today it says

with him [Belalel] was Oholiab son of Ahisamak, of the tribe of Dan – an engraver and designer, and an embroiderer in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen

Exodus 38:22

Where did Oholiab learn to be an engraver and designer and embroiderer? Or for that matter Belalel learn all he knew? We are often made to believe that when the Spirit of God feel on them suddenly they were able to do these things. Or that as these dirty smelly lowlife slaves were leaving the city suddenly very rich people were thrusting their riches on them to get rid of them.

I think those people who gave the gifts didn’t just give it to get rid of the Hebrews and hope to stop the disasters [the plagues] that were going on but I think they gave them because these were people who had worked with and for them, who they knew and trusted and who were leaving them.

Too often we see slaves as dirty, mistreated, doing menial jobs, living in squalor because this is what Britain and other Western European counties in the 17th-early 20th Century did to Black Africans and their descendants, but if one reads about the ancient civilizations they had servants who ran their businesses, were in high standing positions, were respected though owned members of their households.

To me though this gives a very different impression of the Hebrews leaving Egypt and why they were so quick to moan as they crossed this bleak wilderness between Egypt and the Promised Land. Maybe they weren’t going because the conditions were awful. Maybe they were going because they were suffering religious persecution for one, but maybe the big thing was that they believed they had been promised the area that became known as Israel. Maybe they left because they didn’t want to be slaves any more but wanted their own autonomy?

To me this fits in with thoughts on “Are Christians That Different?” and my own journey of following Jesus and learning that I am unconditionally loved by The Creator of the Universe. It was about a freedom from things that held me back from being free to be fully me, to have autonomy in my life, to not be held in slavery by having to fit in, etc, etc, etc. It is about learning to trust The Creator rather than myself.

For me now thinking that it is more to do with leaving something that was actually ok and going on a journey of trust and acceptance makes so much more sense to me than wondering why those Hebrews in the story moan so much in the desert. They were slowly learning to trust.

We’ve a friend who has long covid, is only in his late 30s, can only work 15 hours a week and isn’t able to socialise much because he’s exhausted, but says that now he understands about how “God works all things to the good of those who love him”. He’s had to go through that hardship to come to that place. He’s come from the good and being self-sufficient to walking with next to nothing but now believes he fully knows God’s love.

To me this fits in with the Hebrews being well-cared for slaves and leaving that behind to wander in a desert place trusting God for their next meal. Makes so much more sense to me.

I also think that whether we would say we are Christians, of other faiths or none I think there comes a point where we need to travel that road away from the comfortable, away from fitting in with the status quo, and need to be thinking our own thoughts, listening to our own hearts, having our own autonomy, and I think that will take a wander through things that are a bit dry and barren so that we can come to our Promised Land. [Richard Rohr calls it part of maturing in his book Falling Upwards]

Categories
your best

God notices

Pwhelli beach April 2025

Last week I was on an online writing workshop but had decided to take myself and the dog away, just the two of us, from all distractions.

This morning I listened to the Bible Society’s Lent reading for today. I’d got into listening to it instead of reading it whilst I was away. That way I could eat my breakfast as I listened. It is habit I am trying to keep now I’m back in my study. The reading was from Exodus 37 about Bezalel making the artifacts for the temple which would only be seen by the high priest once a year. The message is

challenges our fast-paced culture, where we tend to rush through tasks and settle for ‘just good enough’ to say it’s done, rather than pursuing excellence in how we work. When something is done for God, it deserves our absolute best in both time and skill. Whether anyone else sees our work or not does not matter. Excellence matters, because God notices and makes note of our integrity. 

A lot of the things we learned during the week long writing workshops was how much of what we do regarding our novels never get seen – not just the first draft but the proposals, etc we have to present to an agent, the planing and thinking around structure, the angst of what to put in and what to leave out. All these hidden things need to be done to make the novel something worth reading.

We also talked about whether we would just write our stories to write our stories or to just share with family and friends or what we’d do.

In my town we’ve just had some finger signposts erected. But unfortunately the contractors who were paid to put them up did not see it as important to do their best. Many of the signs are in the wrong place, pointing the wrong way, or putting things of the town in a different direction. As well as the local tourist board upsetting people by putting the distances in kilometres whilst here in the UK we still work in miles. This is something that is seen but was not done to the glory of the contractors or the tourist board.

But what struck me, whether it is our writing or those myriad of other things we that no one ever knows about, we need to do them to the best we can. We won’t all be Bezalel designing the awesome temple furniture, or the person that designs the noticeable building but we should always do what we do to the unseen who cares for us and wants to see us do our best.

In Beth Kempton’s The Way of the Fearless Writer book she says how just making time to write, for her, makes her a better person to be with once she leaves her study. We all have things that we can give our all to whether that is devotional times, writing, painting, walking, housework, etc, etc, that when we give it our best the rest of the world notices.

So whether you believe in an all seeing God who loves and cares for you unconditionally and wants your best, or that the Universe is watching over you, or just for your own well being, make sure you do everything to your best whether anyone else will ever know or not.

https://firewalkhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/dance.jpg