I married Ian in 2007. I have two grown up children, who I home schooled until they were 16. My son has just joined the army, my daughter has just moved to Cardiff.
I have a degree in History and Creative writing and a PGDip in using Creative Writing for Therapeutic Purposes.
Until Feb 2016 I lived in a beautiful part of England and now I live in a beautiful part of North Wales where my time is filled with welcoming Airbnb rental guests, running writing workshops, writing, serving in my local Welsh Anglican Church, going for long walks with my little dog, Renly, and drinking coffee and chatting with friends
There are also many different types of mustard seed, as this picture above shows. There are those that are made into mustard, those we put on salads, black mustard seeds, yellow mustard seeds, and there are ones that grow into those big trees. But that is like our faith. We all have many different types of faith. Some are different types of faith in different people and some are different faiths in the same person.
For instance you can have faith for healing, for people to come to know Jesus; faith for a peaceful death, for a word of knowledge for someone; faith in trusting God that they will lead you the way you are meant to go, that you’ll have enough money; etc etc etc.
When I was with YWAM on mission I had faith that it was the right thing for me and my children, that we would always have enough money for what we needed [actually I had that in general every day life which made being a home schooling single mum much more peaceful because of the faith that God would provide – and we never went without]. Now my faith is a different shape and size and I have faith for different things because life is different now I’m married and my children are over 30!
So like the mustard seeds faith comes in different shapes and sizes for different people and for different seasons in life. Someone once said that more people get healed by prayer in developing countries because the people have to have faith in God and prayer because they do not have the medical services we have – which we often come to rely on more than God and prayer.
Sometimes the better off we are the less we rely on God and our faith can be wobbly and falling over because we think we can do it ourselves. But there is so much in our Western world that we need faith for – God to provide the right leadership for a start because it is often the decisions made in the West that affect the developing countries more than it does here.
But each of us must take our faith the size of a mustard seed and, I think, ask God firstly what we need to have faith in and secondly who we need to be leaning against
This is my faith mustard seed grown. As you can see it has grown really fast but it is a bit limp. That, and a message I got from a friend asking for prayer this week, got me thinking about my little old mustard shoot.
Often we set off with great enthusiasm with our faith in what God can do with us, through us and for us. We plant that faith and it sprouts. But then instead of growing into a tree it goes a bit limp and wobbly. That’s because we can’t go it alone.
Look at these healthy mustard plants all crowded together
Lots of mustard plants on farm with cleared sky
They are all holding each other up, supporting each other. We cannot be a lone mustard seed. We need others to help and encourage our faith.
Like with my friend, not just the one who messaged by many other of my friends, we don’t need to go to the same church. We don’t even need to go to church at all – though that helps. But what we need, whether we attend a church or not, is faith-filled friends who will help us stand strong in God, stand strong in our faith. We need friends on a similar wavelength to us that we can share openly and honestly with, who won’t judge us, or label us, or box us, but who also know us as well as it is possible to know someone else.
Faith isn’t meant to stand alone. Yes it can and it will but it will get tired. Faith stands better and stronger in communities.
This Sunday was Harvest Festival at our church followed by a church lunch. I’m not sure if all churches do this but ours seems to be pudding filled. So one eats soup and a bread roll then overdoses of puddings and finishes up with a sugar headache later in the day. Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway our vicar was talking about Harvest and its meanings and I was struck by the parts about how harvest is about bringing in mature crops, crops that were at the end of their growing seasons, and if they weren’t harvested they would go rotten in the fields. These then generate income for the farmer and nutrition/food for both the farmer and whoever they sell their produce to. Harvest is all part of our global economy. Without it we all die – literally. I think for so many of us that buy from shops and supermarkets we lose the importance of this. Even though who do have allotments or grow in their garden they still are not fully reliant on what they produce for their livelihoods or to feed themselves.
With those thoughts in mind it makes this verse seem slightly different –
Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”
Matthew 9:37-38
Now I’ve always taken this, and probably heard it preached, that this meant we were to go out and evangelise the poor lost people, put them on the right track, and teach them about Jesus. But if you think about the crops being mature, being ready, important for the economy and likely to go rotten if not harvested I think it puts a different spin on it.
I wonder if Jesus meant for us to look at people and to see that they were more than ready to be harvested. They weren’t immature people needing us to treat them like they know nothing, but were/are people who know a lot, have a lot to offer and are able to feed us who are already in the church. It is a waste to just bring it into barns and store it for some unknown future. The harvest has to be inputting into the economy immediately. In fact it is integral to the ongoing life of the community.
I wonder too if Jesus’ disciples understood something more than we do when Jesus said this. Back in Jesus time the multitudes who were following Jesus would have believed in the One God who led them out of Israel and made them a people group and would have been looking for the Promised Messiah. Really, I think, what Jesus was saying was that his disciples was that they needed to take these mature crops/people and bring them fully into His Kingdom – which is what happened at Pentecost. When “those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day” [Acts 2:41] they didn’t have to them go on Bible study courses, discipleship courses, how to be part of our church courses. No. They were accepted as mature and ready and it was left to God the Holy Spirit to train and lead them. Yes it is said they did listen to the apostles teachings [though I wonder if that was just the disciples and those who had travelled regularly with Jesus just saying what had gone on and not a sermon of what had to/had not to be done] but it did not preclude them from being part of things.
I think we need to be looking at those we know, those we come into contact with, and realise which ones are mature and ready to be harvested. Then we need be willing to let them loose into the church and trust that God will do as God knows what’s best to do.
I know one of my biggest frustrations when I first was “harvested” was being held back and told I was not “mature”. According to the description of what harvest is and the Matthew 9 verse those who are harvested are mature and ready to contribute to the life of the Kingdom. Ok they will maybe mess things up a bit, make things a bit untidy because they don’t “know the rules” [which are often manmade anyway!] but is that really such a bad thing?
On Sunday our vicar gave us all a small packet with a mustard seed in and used it to expanded on the story Jesus said about having faith the size of a mustard seed.
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20 and Luke 17:6
And we were all told to take this home, plant it and see how big it had grown by Christmas.
I worried the whole time I was going to lose it so as soon as we’d had lunch, and before taking the dog for a walk, I made sure mine was safely planted and watered.
When I pondered my attitude to this, it reminded me of when I first really met with God and how I knew from that moment on the The Creator of The Universe loved me unconditionally even though I was a single mum and not living the best life. The faith I got from that moment I was terrified of losing and so I did everything I could to water it, to grow it, to nurture it – reading my Bible, praying, going to Christian conferences, reading Christian books, going to church, being involved with church, going on mission, etc, etc. Ok there have been times when I haven’t done any of those things and have wombled on with God in a contented way still. I have never lost that faith, have seen it grow, have seen it tested, have seen it wobble, but, for the most part, have always trusted.
So I got to wondering what other people might have done with their mustard seed representing faith. [this is all speculation and not about anyone specific]
some left it at church – which is often where we can all leave our faith and do not take it home and use it at home.
some have it in their pockets still and will find it on and off when they put that coat on again – again a bit like we do with faith and find it and then forget it, then find it again but never really take it out.
some will keep it in their “going to church jacket” and will bring it out each time they are at church – which again we are all great at doing, of having great faith when we are with a company of other believers but struggle when we are on our own.
some will have lost it as they walked home – which again is what happens to faith often. The hassles of life get in the way and we lose our faith that God can.
some will have seen it as just another daft thing and won’t have engage with it – again that is what can happen when we talk about things like God working all things to the good of those who love him [Romans 8:28]. It can seem a daft thing and so we ignore it.
some will plant their seed but then will forget about it and it won’t grow, or it will grow a little bit but won’t be nurtured.
some might expect someone else to plant it for them, a spouse, friend or someone else they know – and again we all too often lean into someone else’s faith rather than our own. It is important to have friends with faith around us to hold us up but we cannot rely just on their faith. We do need our own too.
And some won’t have believed in it at all and found it all total nonsense.
Interestingly I was reading that the mustard seed is an easy seed to grow. It doesn’t need much to grow from this tiny seed to a plant that you can then use the leaves of in all sorts of cuisine. Though interestingly the article also says that economically there is no reason to grow mustard seeds, although the novelty value is good – being able to produce a jar of your own mustard to share with friends. Again this is an interesting point to take back to our mustard seed of faith. How many of us think what’s the point? Nothing will change, nothing will happen, or even “I can do it quicker myself”.
Maybe the “novelty value” has something to say to us about our faith, and about that inner feeling of connection with something higher than us.
Faith is the moving of those mountains of sickness, of poverty, of inequality, of war and aggression. But it is also that inner peace, inner, tranquillity, inner joy, inner trust, inner knowing that I am not alone, that I am love unconditionally by the Creator of The Universe. And that with that tiny bit of faith I can grow, I can flourish and maybe it is because of my faith that the birds can find shelter?
Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”
Luke 13:18-19
Or as David Marks says in Garden Focused – key reasons for growing mustard in the UK is to use it as a green manure on the soil. Now I’m all up for being a fertiliser for all things God!
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Looking across Red Wharf Bay May 2025 Photographed by myself
What do I miss since no longer being able to drive? It is the above that I miss most of all. I miss being able to drive to where I want to go on my own when I want. Actually it is that “being able to do what I want when I want” that I am finding hardest.
I’ve always struggled with being boxed in and needing the space to do what I want when I want. That is probably why I didn’t settle in office type jobs but went for hospitality or youth work because, even if the hours were set, what went on was so random. There is something for me about being tied in that makes me panic.
But during my QEC sessions and spending time journaling I’ve learned to work these issues through. Even with the not-being-able-to-drive thing I’m working out my own freedom with it. But then something happened and I realised how easily I [and probably you] can fall back into those old pathways, those known ways of being even if they didn’t fit back then and don’t fit now.
We’ve got a new vicar at our church. He called a meeting last week where he set out his vision for the church. There were lots of opportunities to volunteer for things and at the meeting I was really super enthusiastic and was frustrated that there were no sign up sheets. But then when I was on the bus I was really really tired, like exhausted tired. Then when I got to the beach and was pottering along with my dog enjoying the sea and that freedom I felt like I didn’t want to do anything and was moving into being cross. Yes even though one of the vicar’s main points was “don’t feel like you have to do anything” I was still cross at feeling like I “had to” do these things I was good at.
But this is where things have changed, where all that healing has come to pass. Or as an old YWAM leader once said – I’m learning to walk the new green pathways.
Somewhere in Scotland. May 2022. Photographed by myself
What he meant by this is that whenever we do something we create a known way of going and we stick to that whether it is right or wrong, helpful to us or not. When we get into healing we start to see how wrong those paths are for us, how they are not beneficial to us but we can only make the new paths by walking them. Too often, even when we’ve had healing of any kind we think it hasn’t worked because we are still doing the same old same old. Still walking those same old paths. We need to start walking across a new grass filled field and make new paths. We need to walk new ways. We need to mark out new pathways that fit with who we really are rather than who we think we should be. And we can only do that by walking them.
That first me after the meeting was the old “look at me and like me” me but I’ve changed and am now more willing to say “yes I could do that but I need time to write, to read, to walk alone [even if that is more complicated and needs more thinking about – and thus more time] and also to bump into friends and other random people to chat with as I feel God leads me. I can now be honest with myself and say I must be careful not to let myself take on too much as I’ll feel frustrated by it.
For each of us our new pathways are different, which is what can make it hard to walk them. We get so used to following the herd, of doing what makes others happy, of fitting in so we don’t have to think, that we often just following along. But then of course we either get tired, get resentful, get sickness and illnesses, get angry, and also don’t fulfil are full potential, are full who our Creator truly made us to.
I know The Creator of the Universe loves me just as I am and I believe my role in life is to know that fully and to share that fully. But I am beginning to realise that I can’t do that by being busy, by getting tired and resentful, etc. So I need to walk my new pathways – those I can choose and those, like with the driving, that have been foisted upon me – and trust what is really out there for me
Renly enjoying a “new path” April 2023 Photographed by myself
Interesting coincidence. This was the reading from Henri Nouwen on the day I wrote this blog piece.
Discerning God’s Will
Small, seemingly insignificant events, ideas, and life circumstances can become occasions to discern God’s will and calling in your life. Both inner and outer events and circumstances can be read and interpreted as signposts leading to a deeper understanding of the way the Spirit of God is working in our daily lives…. We have the freedom and responsibility to look at our lives with the eyes of faith and a heart of trust, believing that God cares and is active in our lives. https://henrinouwen.org/meditation/ 1st October 2025
The other day our vicar was saying how when we come to church we should pull out all the stops because we are meeting with the King of Kings and made us think about how we would react if King Charles [still can’t quite get used to that after all my life having a Queen] was coming to visit.
I totally get where he is coming from. I’ve got a friend coming today who doesn’t visit often so I’ve had a clean and tidy up. But I’ve realised when people come to my house regularly I clean less. So yes they still get a clean bathroom – but that’s a daily task anyway – and with my writing groups I make sure the post isn’t on the table but I don’t clean in the same way as when they first came. The more familiar I am with my friends the less I worry about what they will think of my house, or even notice how tidy it is. And I think that’s probably how I am with Jesus.
God is omnipresent – so all seeing, all knowing, etc etc – and I share my good times, bad times, angry times, frustrated times, joyful times, etc with them whether I do that consciously or not. If God is really omnipresent then God is always there but there are just times when I try not to acknowledge it, when I truly do forget, or when I truly want to not have God in the picture.
So if God is with me all the time, and loves me unconditionally just as I am, should I really be sprucing up? Should I really be acting like God is like King Charles?
I hate to say this but King Charles, or my vicar and many others, don’t love me unconditionally just as I am but God does. Jesus came to reconnect me with God not because I was good, did things right, was “clean and tidy”, but Jesus came to do this for me, for everyone, because. Yup just because.
So I get where the vicar is coming from but I also think that if I am hanging out with God all the time being me then I can just carry on being me whether I’m at church, at home, in the bathroom, watching Netflix, walking the dog, reading a book, or hoovering the living room.
I think we need to be careful of “pulling out all the stops” for God because then we are being on our best behaviour and not being real. It is like saying “fine thank you” when someone asks you how you are rather than telling the truth.
We need to be real with God and sometimes that will mean letting God, and others, see our dirty, untidy side, our real side, too.
Edmund is made to look mean by taking gifts from the White Witch, as are all the other creatures who follow her, but how often do we take “sweets” from a stranger because we are lost, cold, tired, and a bit fed up with those around us. [Do remember these are children that had been sent to a stranger’s house and their parents were “helping with the war effort”]
So thinking back to those unempowered people who are struggling with no jobs, no prospects, with generational traumas, and don’t quite fit the school system. They feel disempowered and want to blame “them”. So a stranger comes along and offers them a way out – for instance by blaming immigrants, by blaming the EU, by blaming ….
I think even those in good jobs, with good houses, with what one could call “prospects” can also, when life gets tough and they are tired, feel like “someone needs to sort something out” and finish up taking “sweets” from strangers who look hopeful and friendly.
Interestingly we’ve started watching The Escape Artist with David Tennant on Netflix. In one scene he says to his wife “The world is broken” and yet, if you look at it, he is part, and helping to keep in place, this broken world in his role as a defence lawyer who helps even guilty people to get off. [It is worth watching] His “sweets” are the huge pay packet he gets for being a barrister.
How often are we part of the broken world we bemoan and yet are doing nothing to change it. Going back to the last post of – are we using are gifts or do we think they aren’t good enough or that “someone else” should be doing it? Have we taken the “turkish delight” from a stranger because we were cold, tired and a bit fed up with everyone?
I was walking the dog yesterday and thinking over the post I’d just written and my gifts – and how content I was with my gifts now. Note “now”. I had many years when I wasn’t content with them and wanted something “better”. Like many of us I’d worked out a hierarchy of gifts and giftings, of things I should be doing, things that were godly and things that weren’t, things that were worthy and things that were a bit trivial.
I wonder how many of us, or is it just me, have amazing gifts and talents but are not using them because we are struggling to manifest some gift that just isn’t in us whether to please parents, or to be thought highly of, or because we think “just” smiling at someone isn’t really using our gifts.
Having done work in schools and with young people I see how they rate and value so much. I’ve done amazing writing projects with teens who were in lower sets and who saw themselves as “thick” to quote one teen. Ok so they weren’t grade A students but they had so many other gifts and talents.
Too often, I think, we rate gifts on how much we earn using them, how much other people give us credit for them, how much praise we get for them from those who are significant to us. When actually we should be looking at ourselves, be honest with what we love – because that is generally where our gifts lie and where they will blossom best. I don’t think a gift will flourish is we are trying to do it within something we don’t love.
I think, again, it comes back to that whole freedom thing. We can be fully free if we are using the gifts we were given, not the gifts we think we should have and that we know we are loved just as we are and don’t need to change to please others.
This I think is true freedom, where true peace and joy come from, and where we are without fear to fully walk the gifts we have and not try to be someone else. If we look back at The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe each of the children had different gifts and each had to use them to the full for the White Witch to be defeated.
Father Christmas gives the Pevensie children gifts which he says are gifts of “joy and truth” – which is interesting as they are weapons but I’m not going down that one. Though after reading Richard Rohr’s latest about how direct non-violent action is about
redistribut[ing] the tension that is already there and puts it back where it belongs—at the source.
maybe swords and arrows are a good representation of joy and truth but also of hope, peace and freedom?
But these gifts need to be used. Peter couldn’t kill the wolf if he kept his sword in his scabbard. Lucy couldn’t heal unless she used drops of her potion. In Prince Capsian the children couldn’t have come back if the horn had not been blown.
I believe all of us have been given gifts to make this world a freer, more peaceful, more joyful, safer place and yet too often there is the cry of “why don’t they do something” when it could be us.
Ok so I’m not going to be Prime Minister or anything major in business, in technology, on leadership worldwide, but I can via using my gifts of encouragement, of writing, of being able to chat to people, change one person at a time, who would then go on to change someone else and so on and so forth.
It is said there are only six degrees of separation between one person and the next – ie that each of us are only six people away from connecting with each other. And some of us are even closer. My next-door neighbour was telling me how when she was visiting a new friend she looked at her wedding photo and saw one of her close friends on that photo. Turns out my neighbour’s friend had been close to her new friend when her new friend got married.
So think this through – this means that each of us are six people or less, away from someone of influence. So if we are kind and helpful to the person in the park, they can take that kindness and encouragement to the next person in their sphere and so on. Very much the change the world one starfish at a time [this is an interesting read because it talks of the origins of this story too!]
So today I pledge to go out and use my gifts of chat, of encouragement and of words to help those in my sphere to know freedom from fear, know hope, know peace, know joy and trust. And from there to be able to fully live their lives as they are called to do so they can use their gifts for joy, trust, hope, peace and freedom.
On the last day I drove my car [even though I didn’t at that time know it was the last day] I went to see a matinee of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. It is story I’ve got a lot of affinity with because I read it many times to my children when they were little and then played Mrs Beaver in a Bath City Church version twelve years ago.
The musical is great, though challenging at the beginning because the Pevensie children are all played by actors with dark skins which got me thinking about how that could have been possible. We’ve all just assumed they were white. Although it does say Lucy has fair hair so …. But it is good to be challenged to rethink what we’ve just taken for granted.
From the musical came a few questions I’ve been pondering. One of which relates back to the Unite marches and the division that could be seen there.
There is a point in it that they talk of Freedom from the White Witch. The White Witch is seen as bad because she makes it “winter but never Christmas”. But interestingly she has a large following who don’t seem to be following her through fear but for other reasons we never get to know.
I wonder, if we really talked to those people on the marches, instead of just presuming we know what they think, but get allowed to look through their Truth window what we would really see.
Over the weekend we chatted with some lovely friends and we got on to the empowered/powerless talk and the “why don’t they just get a job?”. We are all educated, all well read, all reasonably confident. We’ve all been willing to get on and do and we see our kids getting on and doing. Theirs are 10 years younger but still you can see how they deal with life. My daughter is going through a tough time at the moment but she is proactive and walking through it. They, and we, are all empowered people. We would all probably unite behind someone who would give everyone their freedom, support all, bring everyone “up” in the world.
Yet I look at a friend’s family who are addicts, keep getting in trouble with the Police, keep waiting for someone to help them up but are not able to do it themselves. They are, for whatever reason, powerless. I could see them uniting around someone who would tell them they are in the situation they are in because it is someone else’s fault.
But then on Sunday I went back to church for the first time in ages [I have popped in and out but this felt like a coming back] and during a very interesting sermon one of the things that struck me was, firstly the whole thing of knowing Jesus, but more importantly than that it was knowing that we were loved and accepted just as we are. And we need to know that deep deep in ourselves before we take it out to others. This, I believe, is where true empowerment comes from. Yes many are blessed/lucky to have it within themselves and to know, whether through understanding parents, friends, or healing, that they are accepted powerful human beings. But I think, even those who lead and look powerful are deep inside hurting and are not really and truly free.
But how do we know we are loved? I think too often the Church sees love as the congregation doing things, not of being and being accepted but of doing things for the Church and for God. But I think we need to, as Christine Sine said Slow Down a bit and see the wonder, the wonder not just around us but within us. Each of us are amazingly created people if we only believe that, if we are only bold enough to let others see our Truth window, for us ourselves to see our own Truth window.
Here’s a poem for Christine that talks of slowing down, of seeing the wonder. And as she says it is seeing the pain and suffering as well as the breathtaking beauty.
Walking in the fastest pace for noticing Slow down, Walking is the fastest pace, For noticing, For paying attention, To the pain of our suffering world And the breathtaking beauty Of its wonder. Slow down, Look, listen, touch, Anchor yourself to the earth. Absorb the input of your senses, The details that speak Of your aliveness, In a world that seems consumed By death. Slow down, Hold onto the sacrifices Of love and compassion, Be generous, Embrace diversity. Sit in awe and wonder Of the One Who is making all things new.
So how do we unite for Freedom? I think, we need to know we are loved and accepted for who we are not what we do, and need to slow down, see the wonder within and without, and work out what Freedom really means to us.
Aspirational Adventures 