trauma of grief – Aspirational Adventures

Exploring new paths. Near Ryde, Isle of Wight. Saturday 9th March 2024. Photographed by myself. This is what I hope to do with my look through Holy Week, to explore new paths, and to walk them whether they look inviting or not. I hope you enjoy my journey with me

So as we progress through “Holy week” we reach Tuesday, which is like a down-day. You know that day when you’re on holiday when you’ve done all the best things first because you were so excited to be away then you want to save things for the rest of the week. There is that day mid-week where you just chill out, chat, read books and take stock. Well I think Jesus used this day for just that reason.

This is the day where he spends time preparing his disciples for what is going to happen and how to cope with it all. He explains not just his death but how the worship of God has gone astray in Israel and how he is to redeem it. It is those sort of stories that one hears but probably doesn’t fully understand until after it has happened.

We seemed to spend this past weekend bumping into people who shared about theirs or a close family member’s impending operations or about their parents aging and how they were coping. Most seemed to get the facts but then were in gentle denial about what was really going on. As an outsider it was easier to see more rationally then those closer to the issue.

I think that was the same with the disciples. They could probably have recited everything Jesus had said to someone else but that doesn’t mean they fully understood the implications. They were too close. We, on the other hand, stand 2000 years beyond the events. We know the outcome. But we also don’t have that same relationship with the living Jesus as those disciples did; no matter what we say about having “a relationship with Jesus”. I don’t believe it is the same as the walking physical relationship those disciples had.

So Jesus does his best, as a caring loving friend, to prepare his friends for what he knows to be the inevitable end of this facet of his relationship with them.

As I’ve explored in The Trauma of Grief, there was huge difference in the processing methods of my grief when someone close died traumatically compared to how I coped with the death of my friend from cancer who was able to give away her possessions and say goodbye to everyone. Yes I do have a goodbye email from Tessa sent on the Sunday before she died.

Even though Jesus’s death was humongously traumatic, he used his last fully “down day” to do the equivalent of sending that goodbye email. He did his best to let them know the whys and the wherefores and the whatevers of what he knew was going to happen. I’m sure he did it so that they could grieve his death fully and be ready to be reunited with him rather than them getting stuck in the trauma of grief.

This day isn’t Jesus last time of showing compassion but, as each of the gospel writers writes, it appears to be a day he takes out just for those closest to him.

Could we do that? I hope I can. I hope I’m not too busy wanting to do but can just spend time being with those I love, saying my goodbyes and giving my reassurances. For me this is the lesson I am learning from this day of Holy Week

Quarr Abbey grounds, Isle of Wight. Photographed by myself 9th March 2024

Back in 2012/2013 we had what can only be describe as a “series of unfortunate events” – feel free to read about them on – End of Year Round Up and this from the end of 2013. [Please don’t sign up for this blog as I don’t write on it any more!]

When I remember March/April 2012 and Sept 2013 I remember those times with a lot of pain and a lot of anger. As it came round to the anniversary of my friend Tessa’s death this January I did feel sad but not that angry painful sad. It was definitely a grief but not like the feels I have around memories of 2012/13. So this got me thinking.

It came to me after I posted Roadside Shrines the other day – what I was feeling from 2012/13 was the trauma of grief which then clouded the grief itself. I was not able to really mourn the loss of whose who had died in any real sense without seeing/feeling the trauma of it all.

By being able to recognise that what was going on was that I was dealing with the trauma of the respective deaths I have been able to let go of that. I have been able to be healed of the trauma of the events. I can let go of the how and why they died and grieve the loss rather than the “what could I/anyone have done to make things different/to stop it from happening?”

I am now free to miss each person and grieve for them as individuals.

I do wonder if these roadside shrines help one to deal with the trauma of the deaths and so move on to being able to deal with the loss of a person – friend/family member/colleague/someone of your community?

Who knows. But what I know is that being healed of the trauma has helped me see the human beings who I have lost. And, for me, that is a good thing.