Tag: grieving

Categories
death grief psalm

Psalm 23 – part 4

Photographed by myself Jan 2022. A lonesome tree on the top of the hill

How often do we feel like that when we are going through something awful? Something tough? Like we are exposed and alone?

He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley

Psalm 23:3b-4a

Do you know we only split the Bible into chapters and verses because some bishop decided it? The divisions started to happen in the 9th Century but really came into their own in the 13th Century. David, when he wrote this Psalm would have just written it as a poem with the lines as they are but to be read as whole.

For some reason this jumped out at me – of us being guided along the right paths for God but that sometimes they would lead us through a dark valley – through the valley of the shadow of death, as it says in the NKJV. For those who have gone through dark times, whether the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a redundancy, a lost opportunity, etc, it can feel like walking in the shadow of death. I believe any time of grief is a time of death – death of a dream as much as loss of a person.

Someone I care about deeply is going through a dark time but, standing back a bit, I can see that if they don’t go through this dark valley they will never be freed from certain things. This dark time for them will cleanse them.

I can’t find it but in one of this last week’s Henri Nouwen meditations he talks of how grief can be a place of growth. In Richard Rohr’s blog someone talks of how in our culture we try to ignore grief and dark times and run away from them. That we just want to get over it. But here if we run these verses together and don’t allow for the verse break it says that God, our Shepherd, will guide us this way. So does this mean that it is good for us?

Perhaps this is why we we are lead in those calm quiet places first – so we are refreshed but also have developed our relationship with God. Dark times are hard if we don’t know we are loved unconditionally and don’t know that God “has our back” so to speak. We need to get to that place where we can trust that we are being led – that we will be led through not left there. But that in the going through we will …

I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4b

Maybe then we can support and lead others through their valley of the shadow of death at God’s pace rather than rush them through because we don’t like them being sad and depressed.

God lets people grieve so should we – and that includes ourselves.

Categories
Holy Week Tuesday

Holy Tuesday

Exploring new paths. Near Ryde, Isle of Wight. Saturday 9th March 2024. Photographed by myself. This is what I hope to do with my look through Holy Week, to explore new paths, and to walk them whether they look inviting or not. I hope you enjoy my journey with me

So as we progress through “Holy week” we reach Tuesday, which is like a down-day. You know that day when you’re on holiday when you’ve done all the best things first because you were so excited to be away then you want to save things for the rest of the week. There is that day mid-week where you just chill out, chat, read books and take stock. Well I think Jesus used this day for just that reason.

This is the day where he spends time preparing his disciples for what is going to happen and how to cope with it all. He explains not just his death but how the worship of God has gone astray in Israel and how he is to redeem it. It is those sort of stories that one hears but probably doesn’t fully understand until after it has happened.

We seemed to spend this past weekend bumping into people who shared about theirs or a close family member’s impending operations or about their parents aging and how they were coping. Most seemed to get the facts but then were in gentle denial about what was really going on. As an outsider it was easier to see more rationally then those closer to the issue.

I think that was the same with the disciples. They could probably have recited everything Jesus had said to someone else but that doesn’t mean they fully understood the implications. They were too close. We, on the other hand, stand 2000 years beyond the events. We know the outcome. But we also don’t have that same relationship with the living Jesus as those disciples did; no matter what we say about having “a relationship with Jesus”. I don’t believe it is the same as the walking physical relationship those disciples had.

So Jesus does his best, as a caring loving friend, to prepare his friends for what he knows to be the inevitable end of this facet of his relationship with them.

As I’ve explored in The Trauma of Grief, there was huge difference in the processing methods of my grief when someone close died traumatically compared to how I coped with the death of my friend from cancer who was able to give away her possessions and say goodbye to everyone. Yes I do have a goodbye email from Tessa sent on the Sunday before she died.

Even though Jesus’s death was humongously traumatic, he used his last fully “down day” to do the equivalent of sending that goodbye email. He did his best to let them know the whys and the wherefores and the whatevers of what he knew was going to happen. I’m sure he did it so that they could grieve his death fully and be ready to be reunited with him rather than them getting stuck in the trauma of grief.

This day isn’t Jesus last time of showing compassion but, as each of the gospel writers writes, it appears to be a day he takes out just for those closest to him.

Could we do that? I hope I can. I hope I’m not too busy wanting to do but can just spend time being with those I love, saying my goodbyes and giving my reassurances. For me this is the lesson I am learning from this day of Holy Week

Categories
death grief trauma

The Trauma of Grief

Quarr Abbey grounds, Isle of Wight. Photographed by myself 9th March 2024

Back in 2012/2013 we had what can only be describe as a “series of unfortunate events” – feel free to read about them on – End of Year Round Up and this from the end of 2013. [Please don’t sign up for this blog as I don’t write on it any more!]

When I remember March/April 2012 and Sept 2013 I remember those times with a lot of pain and a lot of anger. As it came round to the anniversary of my friend Tessa’s death this January I did feel sad but not that angry painful sad. It was definitely a grief but not like the feels I have around memories of 2012/13. So this got me thinking.

It came to me after I posted Roadside Shrines the other day – what I was feeling from 2012/13 was the trauma of grief which then clouded the grief itself. I was not able to really mourn the loss of whose who had died in any real sense without seeing/feeling the trauma of it all.

By being able to recognise that what was going on was that I was dealing with the trauma of the respective deaths I have been able to let go of that. I have been able to be healed of the trauma of the events. I can let go of the how and why they died and grieve the loss rather than the “what could I/anyone have done to make things different/to stop it from happening?”

I am now free to miss each person and grieve for them as individuals.

I do wonder if these roadside shrines help one to deal with the trauma of the deaths and so move on to being able to deal with the loss of a person – friend/family member/colleague/someone of your community?

Who knows. But what I know is that being healed of the trauma has helped me see the human beings who I have lost. And, for me, that is a good thing.

Categories
grief mourning

A Period Of Mourning

The reason for the daffodils is that there were that daffodils were the only flowers on my friend’s coffin yesterday. But these are from my local park. Yes in North Wales we have loads of daffodils blooming already

Funerals in the UK are strange affairs especially now when that painful time of grief isn’t so acute. Five weeks is a long time to hang on to that whereas when someone was buried or cremated within a week or 10 days then it was different.

Most services are great and we know roughly what to do with them whether religious service or not. There are time boundaries, a containment, a space to fill. It works on the whole, but the do after I find the challenge. There are generally a selection of characters for the writer to observe – the one who is holding court and expecting all to come to them, the one who did not really know the person but wept loudly through the service and now stands shyly at the do, the group who stay together because they don’t know anyone else, the locals who have popped in for a party, the family members of the one who is left who have come to support them, the eclectic group of friends who don’t really know each other but know about each other through the deceased. [Note – these are caricatures not real people who were there 🙂 ] There are probably more if I had time to think about it. Feel free to add your own in the comment box. But the truth is we don’t know what to do after the service.

In the UK there is no clear way to mourn; no “period of mourn”, and so much is now “wear bright colours” rather than a nice dark suit. We do the stiff upper lip and move on. Move on to what I don’t yet know. The “let’s celebrate rather than admit there is a space now in our lives”. But even at the do after the service there are a lot of people who open a conversation with “how to you know the deceased?” and the lead into talking about themselves and what they’ve done. But then in a lot of conversations we all open the door to talking about ourselves by asking someone a leading question and following it up with “that is so similar to what happened to me”.

I wonder was there ever an official period of mourning in Western culture? Not just Queen Victoria’s wearing of widow’s weeds for the rest of her life but a place where friends could just say for a week or two, or even at the after service do, confine themselves to talking about the whole this person has left in their lives., maybe where mourning clothes too.

We need a learn how to mourn not just how to deal with grief I think!

Anyway I’ll tell you all about the hole my friend we cremated yesterday leaves in my life – it is these other friends of hers that I know all sorts of details about via her emails. I realised I will never know how they are dealing with their marriages, their children, their illnesses, their futures. Oh yes I could have gathered emails and the like and kept in touch with them, but to be honest it is not the deep details of their lives I want, not their friendships I want, but those snippets that my friend thought I would be interested in what was going on with them. Snapshot snippets!

And I’ve realised too that the only one I could have process the events of both yesterday’s service and after party do with was my friend who knew all the characters that attended.

Holes are strange shaped things