I had been planning this blog post in my head for a few days as I am learning how I need a special day when I can honour and remember those who have gone before me. Then Sunday on Facebook was a post from a friend that appeared to be saying that a mutual friend, someone who had supported myself and my husband through a time of grief, had died. Then Monday there was an email from another friend to confirm that this lovely man had had two or three heart attacks on Saturday and had not recovered. It is a reminder that death comes suddenly to anyone and seems poignant that Nigel is the first person I will mention in this post and the most recent to leave this world. He was an amazingly pastoral person. I can still picture him keeping a straight, kind face even as our puppy drank his cup of tea whilst he was praying for us, or crawled on the back of the couch behind him and rolled downwards into his neck. Those are my big memories of Nigel. And even as I pray for his family – wife, children and grandchildren – I can still smile at that memory from nine and a half years ago.
My first death that really affected me was also my first suicide. He was my boss and we went to the funeral as an office group. No one knew why he had taken his own life so we sat with pints on the table and talked of the good things about him, of which there were many. Pat taught me that people are more complicated than the novels I was reading.
My youngest death was a lad whose parents had asked my boyfriend and I, both of us in our 20s, to be the “responsible adults” at Simon’s 18th birthday party. We were very honoured. The next time we saw his parents was 10 days later at Simon’s funeral. At 18 and one day Simon had gone off on his brand new motorbike with a friend and been impaled on a lamp post. He left me with a memory of seizing every moment because of never knowing what is round the corner.
Around this similar time my grandmother died. But I had lost her around twenty years ago when she had endured a major stroke and never really spoken again. With her I learned that grief is complicated and can arise many years after the loss.
My sister’s death was more complicated but that was the relationship her and I had; complicated. But for fifty years of my life she stopped me from being an only child. I miss having a sister though I am not sure I miss her per se. Again a lesson in how complicated relationships are.
I miss my friend, Felicity. Tthe more I delve into my own writing around Welsh Medieval history the more I wish she was still here to read what I was writing. It was with her that I explore historical novels and authors that we both adored.
Our friend, Jon, took his own life just after my sister died. Even though I still have time being cross with him for his decisions I can still laugh at silly dinner party conversations we would share which would drive the rest of those at the table into frustration. One that comes to mind today is of us in fits of giggle talking of how those who built Stonehenge managed to get the stones from Wales by strapping sheep together into fluffy rafts and placing the stones on them to drift across the Bristol Channel.
I cannot end this list of names without mentioning my father-in-law. Another one who chose to take his own life but even still I will remember him as the man who welcomed me into his family, when I started dating his son, knowing that because of my age and that I already had two teenagers I would not be blessing his son with children that would carry on the family name, and of how he publicly called my two teens his grandchildren.
I am not going to list all those that I have lost because there are many and I do not want to forget any. Friends, family, colleagues, and more besides who left this world in many different ways – suicides, heart attack, cancer, accident, old age, and other ways. These today are just a snapshot of my life as well as theirs.
Each person that I have know, those mentioned by name and those not, have affected my life in many different ways, and still do even today. I’ve learned so much from those I’ve known, about life, about myself and more. Even though I grieve for the fact that they have died before me I am grateful that they were in my life for however long or short the relationship, however deep or trivial.
So I will continue to allow people close to me even if it means there could be pain in ending because life and people are too rich to not walk with for however long. This is my post to honour them
5 replies on “Day of the dead”
Hi Diane, you’ve seemed to lost a lot of friends in your life. How do you manage to keep sane.
I lost my mum at the age of 4 which later caused my mental health issue later in my life. In 2016 I lost my youngest brother sadly to cancer. I remember it well my now wife traveled to Fleetwood to pick me up because I was in a right state. I am now happily married thanks to that day when my wife came to see me.
She help pick me up and I asked her for her hand I marriage a few days later. She said yes I am glad to say and I couldn’t live without her.
Firstly I want to say I am so sorry for your lose. That is so hard to lose your mum at such an early age. Then to lose your brother not so long ago. That is a tough one. 2016 is not that long ago at all.
It is an interesting question and one I have pondered much over my life. It is also why I’ve waited a bit before replying – pondering an answer as I walked the dog this morning. I think all I can say is “I don’t know”. Somehow I have kept going, kept sane, and still accepted people into my life. Lots and lots of counseling and therapy. If you read some of my other posts you will know that I am a great advocate of Quantum Energy Counseling, which delves into the traumas in one’s live. It has helped me learn that things are not my fault and that I don’t have to keep going and going.
Also writing – whether blogging or writing poetry, stories, etc. I did a long 2nd person piece about my sister and why she drowned once. Lots are just kept for me. Yes so I would say lots of unloading in poetry, journaling, blogging and story writing has helped.
Thank you so much for asking the question.
Sending peace and blessings your way
A most moving and profound blog. We really do need to appreciate those we have whilst we have them.
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