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This post can also be found on https://godspacelight.com/2021/01/05/epiphany-eve/ along with many other great articles and posts.

Today is the day before Epiphany. The day before the church calendar celebrates the arrival of the Wise Men visiting Jesus. Some days before a big day are marked – like New Year’s Eve or Christmas Eve. But some days aren’t. The day just happens.

I wonder how those Wise Men felt on the night before they found this king they’d seen predicted in the stars. I’m thinking that on Epiphany Eve they were feeling a bit confused. They made their way to Herod’s palace and got a cryptic message from him as he tried to cover up for the fact that he didn’t know a king had been born in his province. I’m sure they were pondering their encounter with this man and his words. Herod, even though portrayed in church tradition, as a tyrant, was actually a great leader. He build extensively, not just palaces for himself, but aqueducts, theatres and public buildings, and generally raised the prosperity of the land. I think the Wise men would have been perplexed that this leader, who was well connected through the known world, did not know of this king that they had seen predicted in the stars that would change the course of history.

Not much is known about the backstory of the Wise men. No one knows for sure where they came from or what status they held in their own land. We don’t even know how many of them there were or how big a retinue they came with. All they get is a handful of verses in gospel of Matthew and one day in Anglican and Catholic church traditions to look into them.

Our church has a tradition associated with Epiphany where letters are chalked on the church door. Last year they read – 20+C+M+B+20. The initials C, M, B are for the traditional names of the Three Kings. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar, but also in Greek translation can stand for “Christus Mansionem Benedicat,” which means “May Christ bless this dwelling.” . But it is a bit like a code. Until you are in with the “in crowd” you haven’t got a clue what those letters mean. But I think this is so relevant for the coming of the Wise men.

The Wise men weren’t part of the in crowd, either in the land of Palestine or within the Jewish tradition. They were as much outsiders as the shepherds. The shepherds were despised within their community but at least they knew how the community worked, whereas the Wise men, because of their wealth would have been viewed with respect and would have been honoured, but they were on the outside of something they did not understand. The person they had expect to support and lead them, Herod, had let them down and had sent them on their way with a vague description of where to go and what to expect, but had left them to it. They were camped at the end of a small nondescript town where Herod had sent them. I wonder how they felt?

So today, on Epiphany Eve, imaging being in your expensive Bedouin tent [imagine your equivalent of]. You’re with your friends but you’re not sure where you are going. You’re not at the place you expected to be. You also know it is one of those places where everyone knows everyone. You can tell that from looking at it. But the sign that brought you here, this big star, is still telling you this is the way walk in it. Personalise it and think about how many times you’ve stood on the edge of something you don’t quite know what it was but you know you have to keep pressing forward.

We are just five days into 2021 with the US about to enter a new presidency, the UK being out of Europe with the deal we have to now make work, with the vaccine being given to more and more people and things lifting but lockdowns continuing, not knowing what the world economy will look like and the East saying they’re doing alright. For many there are exams and schooling to ponder how it will work out, babies being born, weddings happening, futures out there waiting to happen, but still there is waiting and not knowing, but we all have to walk forward.

As we didn’t know this time last year what this Covid virus would really mean to the world so the Wise men did not really know what awaited them in Bethlehem. But they followed, and they waited, and they arrived, and they gave their gifts, even though that must have seemed weird. But just for today they waited on the outskirts and pondered the journey they had been on and what their destination would look like. So at times we also stand on the edge and wait and ponder but we must place our hand in God’s and keep on keeping on.

This poem seems more appropriate this year than it has for a long time:

“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:

“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied:

“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”

So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night.

And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East. “

by Minnie Louise Haskins

So let us walking into the unknown, find God’s hand and walk gladly no matter what comes this year.

I hope we are kinder to you, 2021, than we have been to 2020. We have spoken harshly about the last year when all it did was tell its story. In fact it did all it had to do. In January we cried out, “2020 the time of perfect vision” and then we did not like what it showed us so we cried “begone”. Yet it could not go until its time was spent.

2020 showed us things in our world that we need to change – the fragility of our health service, of our government having to make sound-bites and snap decisions. In fact it showed that most of our government is out of touch with regular people, not understanding that there are too many that, once their pay-checks decrease by a small amount they are plunged into poverty. We saw this with the food handouts by Unicef, the increase in foodbanks, having to have a footballer tell those in power that children needed feeding even in the school holidays. We were showed the deep held racism in our land, the class divides, the divisions of the principalities that make up the United Kingdom. We also saw the support that there was between people and the care as communities came together. We also saw how selfishly we all were as we bemoaned not being able to go where we pleased and do what we wanted. We realised how much we needed each other and how much we do miss our friends and family. We saw how much we compare ourselves to other nations and ran down our leaders and then wonder why they do not perform and were always working to try to please the crowd.

All these things and much, much more 2020 and its mandate, Perfect Vision, were revealed over the last 365 days. So why did we bemoan it? What did it do wrong? For me I would like to honour 2020, to say that yes there were too many things I did not like in it, too many losses, changes, deaths and more, but also there were good things, great things, deep and amazing changes that went on. Can we say 2021 will be different? I do not yet know what its mandate it. But all I can say is that I would like to be able to honour it when it has spent its 365 days with me and see both the good and the bad, the things I can control and the things I cannot, and know that every day things are unfolding as things have unfolded over all the years since man first stood tall and walked this earth.

So bless you 2020 and may you rest in peace. Welcome 2021 and let us walk together and just see what will occur.

At dawn, especially this time of year, I hum the line from Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s “I Believe in Father Christmas”

I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn

and I saw him and through his disguise

I’ve often thought, especially around the other lyrics, that it meant a time of disillusionment – being coerced into believing about Father Christmas, virgin birth, etc but this morning, whilst pottering round the park with the dog and watching the amazing colours pushing through the clouds I felt differently.

We put so much whitewash around the Christmas story, we dumb it down and make it “user friendly”. What if we could look clearly at the new light of dawn and truly see the magic of Jesus birth, of God coming down to walk amongst us? What would happen to each one of us if we saw through the disguise? What difference would it make if we truly woke up and really looked with open eyes and really saw through the glitter and tinsel, the children’s nativity, the presents, food and drink, and truly saw what it was really all about? And that revealing would be so very different to each one of us. God is not a one size fits all, thankfully.

My thoughts and prayers for each person who reads this, and for those who don’t but that I know, is that they can see through the disguise, the illusion, that gets placed around Christmas and that God placed around Christmas. See through the disguise and come to meet the real God, real to each one of us, but each one of us only sees a facet of that diamond, and too often we have been trying to get others to see the side we see instead of hearing about the side they see.

So as we all do something different this Christmas to what we would normal do, and for us who’ve had to have plans changed suddenly because of these new rules, my prayer is we don’t miss seeing through the disguise and seeing the real meaning of God coming down to earth to walk amongst us. So …

I wish you a hopeful christmas

I wish you a brave new year

All anguish pain and sadness

Leave your heart and let your road be clear

“Emerson, Lake & Palmer – I Believe In Father Christmas lyrics | LyricsFreak” [Found 24th Dec 2020]

I’ve been doing some writing exercises with Writers HQ as a bit of advent fun. The other day we were encouraged to write “iconic obituaries”. I pondered and then thougth that as we’d lost our mad rabbit over the summer I’d do an obituray for him. I don’t think we do them for our animals often enough.

Archie – born Easter 2011 died 23^rd July 2020.

In the unprecedented year of 2020 Archie decided life was too good to keep on digging so had stretched himself out on between the wire fencing that encircled the fuchsia bush, which being encased in wire had grown to be a fuchsia tree, and the fencing that encased the bush that he had destroyed when he had eaten through the main tuber.

It had been a long and successful career of tunnel building, though as far as everyone knew there was no purpose to any of it. Many had expected him to die within one of his tunnels when it had collapsed on him, but he had chosen a warm sunny day and had let his breath leave him in the warm summer sun. Archie had started life living indoors but had been finally been banished to live outside after chewing through the telephone wire when someone was on a call. The chewing of the TV cable had been kept secret from most. He had also enjoyed wallpaper stripping but because of his height, or lack of, he would never have progressed to being a decorator.

He was buried within one of his own tunnels, and a memorial herb garden will be placed above him. He leaves behind a confused dog who, for a while, could smell him but not find him, and an overflowing food waste bin. Archie will be missed by all who knew him.

This “Gains” post is to follow on from the “Loss” post, which is unusual for me to remember to do the follow ups 🙂

What have I gained this year whilst I have cast off so much? Some strange things I must say. Probably like many I’ve learned more about myself and what I am like than I have done in any other year. I have discovered that I try to keep myself busy rather than do what I know I should do. For instance – I know that I am a writer, which has been proven in the fact that I’m having a children’s book published next year. [That is definitely a wait till it is in print before I share more] but I don’t make time for it. In fact I do my best to make sure I don’t have time to write – or rather I allot time to do some actual writing but don’t put aside time for those things that are needed to build up to writing – thinking time and reading time.

I will excuse myself for not having written War and Peace or similar because, as many writers are saying, it has been very hard to concentrate. But instead of giving myself space I took on things to fill my head. And some to stop me feeling guilty about not doing anything. As I’ve mentioned in another post, there is a website for women over 50 called “RestLess” filled with loads of things to do, as though doing nothing is a sin. I’ve a lovely young friend who is struggling with resting too because, again she’s been brought up to think you should be busy.

So I would love to say that one of my big gains has been lots of time but it has not because I’ve filled it up with other things. But I have learned a bit about who I am, and that is that I’m afraid to give myself the time to just sit on the couch and ponder. So I’m trying to release myself from many things so that I can find time to sit and think and write.

Mind you another of my gains is the couch. Ok this sounds silly. When we moved into this house I was so grateful to have my study, which was going to be the place where I wrote. I do love my study and it is nice to have somewhere that I can keep the stuff that is just mine. But when I fell off the horse and hurt my ribs the only place I could sit comfortably was on the couch. So I spent those first 2 weeks led on the couch with tables postioned around me with books and laptop, pens and coffee cup, close at hand. But then I realised I like the living room. It had been a room that until the begining of October I had kept closed during the day and would only let people in when it was evening. I would struggle when we had friends staying and they would take their morning coffee into the living room. But now I go into the living room when I first get up, put on the fairy lights and do some yoga, then leave the door ajar, go out and walk the dog and come back to carry on doing in the living room. I am loving looking out the window and seeing people walking by, loving the light, the space. It’s changed.

So one of my big gains is letting go of the need for my special space and making my space special in the family space. Who knows how long I’ll stay down here but for now this is my space too.

I’m reading a brilliant fantasy fiction novel by Raymond E Feist, the first in the Firemane Saga, and twice in it the characters have mentioned a “false dawn”. That is the time when light starts to appear over the horizon but daytime is still a long way off. Here in North Wales it starts getting light about 7am if the sky is clear. This is the time of our false dawn. Then around 7.45 the sky is then shot with reds and purples (again only if the sky is clear), but the sun does not rise until after 8am. Our false dawn lasts for about an hour or more depending on the time of year.

I think the world is entering a false dawn from Covid-19. We are hearing about vaccines being made ready and of brave people coming forward to take the vaccine. But, as was said on two news satire programmes, very few people seems overly excited about it. I believe this is because we are in that false dawn time of breakthrough. A new day is coming. We are coming out of the darkness of this unknown virus. But the new day is still a long way off, and it is ok to not want to get involved in what is going on yet. As with this morning’s sunrise it was full of colour and promise but by lunchtime the rain had started and by early afternoon it was pouring with rain and the wind was billowing, and the dog and I just did a very short walk.

I think it is wise to be cautious with the news of vaccines and even of Brexit deals. We are in the time of false dawns, where things are just starting to be seen, just starting to come into focus. It is ok to tread carefully, to want to still stay safe and at home, to be fearful of planning something. The sun will rise because it always does, but no one will know what the day will look like until the signs of the sunrise are fully known and the day comes into complete fruition.

So I would say don’t beat yourself up if you are one of those who are feeling cautious and don’t feel like celebrating, whether that’s the vaccine, Brexit, or any number of other things that have come to light during 2020. Wait and watch and be ready for the new day – whatever it looks like.

Tis the start of Advent. Well it is in the Celtic Calendar and I have started my Lean Towards the Light this Advent & Christmas Book Celtic Advent book. Even though this has not yet come up as one of the thoughts in it I felt that over this Advent season was a good time to be looking at the past year. So I’m looking at – Loss – today and I’m going to follow this up in a few days with – Gain – as I journal into what I have gained over this period.

We’ve all experienced lots of loss and change this year. Those “prophetic words” of Rest, Renew, Resore, etc seem a long time ago, and I think many of us rested for a bit and then tried to get on and do. We did not do as the Cormorants do and rest until we are ready to fly again.

I was thinking through what I’d lost this year – my income from Airbnb and from the writing workshops I used to run; with my husband working from home I’ve lost my lunchtimes to just hangout; I’ve lost the volunteer work I used to do up at the Castle (now home to I’m a Celeb); at the begining of lockdown I lost being able to ride, got back in the saddle for August and Sept and then feel off and bruised my ribs; and the plays and productions I used to put on in church, with lockdown starting just as I was bringing together a Psalm Sunday play; I’ve lost out on earning money doing things with local schools, and had 2 paid events that had to be cancelled in June this year; I’ve lost the freedom that comes from the times my husband goes away with friends and when I can get away on writing retreats or visits to friends.

What do these things say to me I thought? What have I lost most of all?

It is the praise. It is someone saying I’ve done well – whether this is from my riding instructor and friends I ride with; from Airbnb guests who give me a good review; from those who attend writing groups who have had a good time and tell me; from the pupils and the staff when I run a fun workshop that we all enjoy; from staff but also visitors at the Castle who would tell me what a good job I’d done. Yes my husband is great at saying thank you for his lunch and supper, but he never notices if I’ve cleaned, and only notices that I’ve made the bed since I hurt my ribs as I need his help. Ok so Airbnb guests didn’t notice that I’d cleaned but they would give a 5 star rating for how clean it was.

I don’t miss the Airbnb, what I miss is the compliments, the telling me I’ve done a good job. I don’t miss the money from the writing workshops whether adults or schools but I do miss the fun I had with the people but also the thank yous. I miss being told I’m good at something, miss achieving, miss that buzz of running a group, of meeting new guests, that nervousness of getting on a horse. I miss the adrenaline buzz.

In journallingthrough this the other day the phrase popped out was “I want something to be bothered about“. But it made me wonder how much we all resist resting and resetting because we have to take stock, rethink, wonder what we have been doing and return to a place of finding what are passion is and what we can “be bothered about.“

So we do need to stop, to think about what we do and why we do it, so that when we do restart we can do so with a passion. So I know I need to be something that will involved that nervous adrenaline buzz. For others it will be something different, but are you willing to stop and ask yourself what is the bottom line of why you do what you?

In 1968 the Bee Gees sang “It’s only words and words are all I have” which made it all sound so simple. But words mean different things to different people. The first holiday my soon-to-be husband I went on showed that. We were in the Peak District and he suggested going for a walk. We had walked before around our home town but those had been to the tea-shop to cake and a long natter. Once in the Peak District his “walk” meant something totally different. What he meant was “all day hike” but myself and my kids were expecting a gentle stroll really.

Here in the UK Wales has just come out of lockdown and England has entered it. One of the big controversies is over “non-essentail good” and how people interpret that. Also what do you see as “essential“?

Garden Centres are still open but bookshops are closed. Supermarkets are open but they have closed off their clothes sections. My florist can’t open her shop but can work from hom. I must say I would have included “car screen wash” until Saturday when I needed some. One man’s non-essential is another man’s essential.

Now take it a stage further – I’ve just read “Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race” by Reni Eddo-Lodge in which she talks about “insitutionalised racism“. I am now reading “God of violence yesterday, God of love today” by Helen Paynter in which she calls institutionalised racism “institutionalised violence“, which is much harder hitting, I believe. Both women are talking about the same thing but using different words. The above examples are of using the same words to mean different things.

So often what we say we don’t mean or we think we know what we mean but don’t have to vocabulary to express it. But also we don’t slow things down enough to either explain what we mean or to ask what is meant by. I would have had a much better time that first walk we did together in the Peak District if I had said “when you say ‘walk’ what do you mean by it?” I believe there would have been less upset if the Government had said what they meant when they said “non-essential” but also I think the media when they recieved the story would have been doing a public service if they had asked “why have you picked these things are non-essential?” and “what do you mean by non-essential?” But no one does. The media made a mountain out of a mole hill and the government stayed quiet. I got upset with my soon-to-be-husband and he got upset with me being upset with him! As we all do when people are upset with us!

I wonder too if Helen Paynter can get away with calling racism violence because she is a white middle class woman talking about God but Reni Eddo-Lodge would not have been able to because she is a black woman talking about her experiences? Sometimes it is as much the speaker as it is the words used that we filter what is said though. So maybe next time we think we’ve heard something maybe we need to be bold enough to ask what the speaker meant by that and also to question the cultural lens we are looking through.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe it was my ribs still hurting (which seem to be working on the “I’m almost better so I can do things today to the following day’s oh no I’m not because I did too much” theory of healing!), or it could have been the wine I drank last night and the very nice pumpkin pie, or it could be listening to the storm outside and then being woken by the full moon peaking through the clouds. In the end I decided I might as well get up and have a cup of sleepytime tea.

We’ve got a couch in the bay window of our living room so I curled up on the couch with my drink, opened the living room curtains and there was the moon looking back at me. Then it went and hide for a bit behind some white cloud. There was an awesome looking cloud up there, a storm cloud, that looked like fingers stretching across the sky which was being lit by the light from the full moon. And as I watched it seemed like the moon burned away those whiter clouds and hung there with a golden ring around it. I wish I had taken a photo but I knew that by the time I switched on my phone, got distracted by the messages on it, and sorted the camera out, that moment would have gone. So I just sat and enjoyed the moment.

The trees across the road from me were being battered by the wind, leaves being ripped from them, street lights twinkling as the branches swept back and forth. But high in the sky that black finger-like cloud was hardly moving, the moon was hanging there. Everything in the upper reaches of the sky was calm and still. It made me think of how often we are only looking at our chaos of the moment, the stuff we are battling through for now. And that is not to dismiss what is going on now. This week a friend’s nephew died in his sleep, another friend’s neighbour’s 5 year old was buried, another friend’s mum is in hospital but she can’t go and visit her because of lockdown restrictions. There is chaos, destruction and a storm raging down here on earth at the moment. But what that sky above was telling was that if we can look up – again to the “where does your hope come from?” – there is strength and calm. As Oscar Wilde is reputed to have said “we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.” I wonder if he meant the Glory of God. [discussion on Oscar Wilde’s faith maybe another time???]

The moon is always there. The moon is always full but often it does not show us it’s fullness. I think God is like that too, always there but not always showing the fullness of God. I am learning that my hope is not always in what God does but in who God is. My trust is not in what God does but in who God is. For too long I’ve been lookng at what God does and been disappointed but if I can look to who God is then I have hope, trust and joy even when there is a storm rampaging through my world. I can reach upwards for the stillness that is always promised which will give me the peace and strength to deal with the storms of here on earth.

I started horse riding only about 2 years ago, just before my 57th birthday. I did used to ride when I was in my teens but got more interested in boys and drinking than riding so gave it up 🙂 It was a challenge to restart. When lockdown came, of course things ceased, and then the stable I used to go changed direction and my friends, all women of a similar age, had to look for somewhere else to ride. This new stables is teaching me as much about my relationship with God as it is about riding.

“Let go of the reins and trust” my instructor tells me often. I have a fear of going too fast and not being in control. He keeps telling me that I need to trust the horse, not pull on its mouth so hard as that really does hurt the horse and believe that all will be well. Very much an analogy there of of how we need to trust God and not hold on to control so tightly.

“Sometimes I think you are more of a passenger on that horse” he said the other day when I was too scared to keep my legs on the horse. Keeping legs on keeps the power in the horse and keeps it moving. Without legs on the horse can slow and its front legs can go slower then its back legs and it can trip. Again with God how often are we passengers, just going along for the ride, not really engaged with what He’s up to?

Then here’s the bit you can feel sorry for me for a while but not for long. A week ago I fell off the horse I was riding and I think I’ve cracked a rib. If not cracked then bruised it badly and I’ve also bruised muscles down my right side and my right wrist. All very painful and painkillers are just touching the surface of the pain. Ok that’s the end of being sorry for me because the fall was my fault!!! I was just going into a canter, which I struggle to do because it frightens me. Not sure why but it is probably to do with trusting myself and the horse. So I pulled on the reins, which caused my poor horse to trip. As I started to slide outwards instead of using my body and leaning inwards and letting centrifugal force pull me back on, I reached for the fence that was rushing past me. Why I do not know! So as I fell my hand was at the top of the fence – not holding on I don’t think – but that is how I’ve bruised my wrist which has aggravated an old hitchhiking injury (that’s another story!!). But it also meant that the whole of my right side was stretched out and exposed. So when I hit the ground that was what I landed on. The fall was my fault!

I’ve been led here on the couch not able to do much but think (and feel sorry for myself!!) and have wondered how often we fall off on our Christian journey and blame everyone else but ourselves. We blame God, Church, fellow Christians, the mission organisation, the devil, the world, etc. But sometimes it is because we were scared, pulled the reins in too tight, leant the wrong way, grabbed for something we should not have done. And so we are battered, bruised, feeling weepy and tired, and not able to keep going for a while.

So on my journey with God I need to stay engaged, not hold on so tight and trust more in the process. Now I will just have to ponder what that looks like in practical ways for another blog post! 🙂